Zombie Strippers

George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

Let me begin by saying that the previous paragraph is a direct quote. It is the entire exposition of this remarkable, jaw-dropping film, released in 2008. These are, in fact, the opening lines of said film, in a mock-news program that brings to mind parallels with Romeo + Juliet. It is that level of attention to detail that makes me honored to watch, review, and recap the movies of our time. This stands out as a prime example of cinematic genius, the likes of which I am sure won't be seen for at least a hundred years. Why this didn't win every award imaginable is beyond me. I have personally begun a letter-writing campaign to resubmit this film in every category of every award known to mankind for the next fifty years based on pure brilliance alone. I mean, look at some of these headlines, ripped from the news programs of tomorrow:

• There are 54 days left in the year. 
• Gas prices rise to $23 per gallon.
• Brangelina adopts Etheopia.
• Canada dollar triples US Dollar. 

If that isn't genius, I don't know what its, and the base premise of the film is rife with sardonic whimsy that brings memories of film-greats of yore. That said, on with my review/recap. 

The news program introduces us to a sciency lady in front of a warehouselab wearing a lab-coat, like ya do. She informs the world that she and her team have made startling new discoveries in the field of reanimating dead tissue to assist in the growing shortage of soldiers to fight America's ongoing wars. This, surprisingly, cuts to pandemonium. Zombies have taken over what appears to be a warehouselab of some sort, undoubtedly the one seen previously. Zombie-monsters run rampant through the halls devouring unsuspecting research assistants and doctors, while a lone man stands in a window. We'll call him Doctor Calmncool. His assistant, Doctor Tits McGee shows up to inform him that the military has arrived to help contain the problem. 

Chica, Major, Bubbles, Knives, Ke$ha, and Bald-guy

We are introduced to the military representatives, who make it known that, as marines, they drink napalm and piss fire, sir! There is a brief sequence in which each of the people are introduced and their role made clear, the only one not pictured to the left is Lovable-Nerd, who is addressing said group with an intelligent observation of, "You see this? There's fuckin' Zombies out there!" A scientific conclusion if ever I heard one. 

After a briefing from Doctors CnC & TmG, the exposition is explained once again. With the repeated exposition, we also get a few more added bits of wisdom. Among said wisdom is the fact that the virus is based upon the X-chromosome. As such, "The virus remains pure from woman to woman, but, once you get a man in there, like everything else, it all goes to shit." This is now Zombie Lore canon. If you don't know what canon is, then fret not. Kaka and I will be making a post soon in which we discuss Religious, Christmas and Universal canon. Specifically, the birth of Santa. We also discover that a localized EMP, that's electro-magnetic-pulse to you, will knock out the zombies for a short while, making them easier to killsmash. But how do you do that? The doctors suggest surgically removing the Medulla Oblongata, to which the Major responds with the suggestion of shooting them with guns. This appears effective. 

The army dude(tte)s fight through the warehouselab, developed by W Industries, and we get a visual treat as some of the best special effects in the history of mankind are shown time after time. If you haven't seen this film, I encourage you to go and get a Netflix account specifically for this purpose. It's staggering. As our heros continue their quest to kill zombies, they strip down to the most attractive army outfits they can manage, which means a tank top and skin-tight pants for the women and anything that shows off arms for the men. The zombies close in on them in a hallway, and they use the EMP to knock out the zombies. This knocks them on their backs for about thirteen seconds. Then shit commences in getting real. By real, I mean hilarious. There is some biting, which leads to Sassy Chica, deciding to spend this time blaming others, instead of working on shooting her way out of the zombie swarm. 

It goes without saying that Private Byrdflough, literally, that's the name for Lovable-Nerd, has been bitten. In an effort to escape being killed by his fellow armymans, he runs away when nobody is looking and breaks out of the warehouselab, and into the countryside, where he wanders for twenty seconds to find another window, which leads into the basement of an adjoining building. After some mindless wandering, he finds his way to the stage of said establishment, This is Rhino's, a local strip club. The logo of which is seen to the side. It is a Rhino wearing a g-string. Needless to say, Private Byrdflough is ushered off-stage to make way for our main attraction, Kat. In the background, during Kat's dance, a sweet innocent girl appears and we are reminded of the exposition again, when a young man tries to give the bouncer his fake ID, and the bouncer says that "This place is more illegal than that ID."

Backstage, we learn that everybody either hates or worships the star of the club, Kat, and we are introduced to the young woman from earlier. We learn that her name is Jessie. She was born and raised in Sartre, Nebraska, on a farm. She eats a lot of corn and loves her some Jesus. She's doing this to raise money to help pay for her Nana's colostomy. In this reality, every stripper on the planet was a Philosophy major at UNK, we know this because they spend the entirety of the film making philosophical observations about their place in the world. I say, 'in this reality' as if this weren't the truth in the real world, but we'll just glaze over that.

Likewise, in this universe, Freddy Kreuger, instead of molesting little children, opened a strip-club and is terrified of the girls, whom he has dubbed, Walking Herpes. 

On stage, a goth dancer performs for the huddled Nebraskan masses. Oh, did I forget to mention that this entire thing takes place in Nebraska? Yeah. Speaks volumes to what people think of Nebraska and the people who live here. The next hour of so of the film is primarily scenes of women stripping. As this is a family blog, filled with wholesome goodness, I have chosen not to include shots of such things. That would be a violation of my ethical code, to which I adhere very tightly. You'll find no boobies here, nope, none at all. Just know that eventually, one of the strippers, Kat, gets bit by Private Byrdflough, and she quickly becomes a zombie, who goes back on stage to perform for the assembled crowd. 

Apparently, they really like it, and she takes one of the men to the private booths for what he can only hope will be a really amazing lap-dance. Regrettably, all is not as it seems. She quickly devours said gentleman, and leaves quite the mess for our hispanic janitor to take care of. There is a charming exchange between the Madame of this establishment, Freddy and the janitor. The suggestion is made that they use badgers to clean up the mess, as they eat flesh, to which the janitor replies, "Badgers? Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' Badgers!" He then does his fucking job and cleans up the mess and finds a still-animated head of the unfortunate gentleman who was Kat's first meal. 

The assembled masses are entertained by non-zombie dancers for a few minutes, while we adjourn to Freddy's office. They discuss the unfortunate situation in which they've found themselves. They make several tough decisions. Of them, none is to kill the zombies. They decide that they're going to let the girls do as they please, which leads to goth-girl getting zombified, and a number of other patrons being killed/eated and then being relocated to a cage in the basement, because all strip clubs in Nebraska are required by law to have a cage in the basement. It's truth. I read it in a multi-sourced Wikipedia article. 

Robert Englund is the number one performer in this movie in my mind. Seriously, he makes some of the most fantastic faces ever. He carries himself so convincingly, and manages to keep a straight face and serious delivery through every line of abysmal dialogue. He is probably the funniest man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting in person. Yes, I met Robert Englund in person several years ago. He was at Mystery Manor one year, signing autographs and being generally kick ass. Loved it. 

Zombie goth-girl performs on stage. Did I mention that this speaks volumes about Nebraskan men? We must be seriously repressed to be this turned on by zombie strippers. In the following scene, an un-turned stripper is booed off stage for not being as sexy as zombies. I feel like, even if I did like boobies, i wouldn't pay to watch dead boobies. I might pay a zombie stripper tax to keep said zombies inside of zombie strip clubs and limit their exposure to the general populace, but that's about it. It's about this time that we discover that nobody much cares for not-dead strippers anymore, and if the girls want to make money, they'll need to zombify, which is a word according to Chrome's spellcheck. 

At about this point, we get a series of zombification, devouring, and lockup scenes. Boobies galore, and zombie humor ensues.  Did I say humor, I meant horror, yeah, that's it. This movie was terrifying. Oh who am I kidding, this was probably the funniest thing I've watched in a damn long time. Certainly funnier than Tombstone. 

Come on! We even get this great image of the beaner giving the dobule-bird to a zombie! (i'm a racist, did I mention that earlier?) If that isn't cinematic/comedic-gold, I don't know what is. I will say that the zombie makeup effects are actually pretty sensational in some parts. While the blood effects fail at life time and time again, there are a few scenes where the effects team really excelled, and in color, which is difficult as anybody with any real makeup experience will tell you. When it comes to low-budget films, you are pretty restricted when it comes to effects, and somehow, the team for this film really took their trade to a new level that I genuinely appreciated when it came to make up. Don't get me wrong though, some of the green-screening in this film is something out of freshman film class, but still...

It is at about this point, that, through the idiocy of my least favorite type of person, namely grown men who wear letter jackets, the military learns of the existence of zombie strippers. That is hardly the best part of the following scenes. Let me see if I have the right words to express what happens next. One of the skanks who hates the lead skank, the skank who first became a zombie skank, is pissed about the spotlight hogging, and decides that the best way to defeat her is to fight fire with fire. So, skank2 becomes a zombie, and we have what I have dubbed a Zombitch-off. That is a dance-off between Zombie stripper sluts. Please see the following photographs for a better explanation of what I mean. 

Skank1

The beginning of the duel.

The gloves come off.

First blood.

Using a man's arm as a weapon.

Using a man as a weapon, and killing him in the process.

This would be the use of centrifugal force to blow away skank1.

The end result of shooting billiard balls from skank1's vagina.

Choke fight.

Skank2, rips the flesh from skank1.

Yeah... yeah.... Yeah.

During this fight, the zombies downstairs get loose and start to invade the club, at the same time as the military showing up to save everybody, and effectively end this Zombitch-off. After some needless titty-bouncing and some outrageous special-effects, we learn than Doc CnC was behind the whole thing! GASP! The military has effectively eliminated the threat, and we learn from Doc CalmnCool that it took months of planning for him to get a hold of a sample of the virus which he then released into the populace of the warehouselab. Why would he do such a thing? Money. We learn that terrorist attacks, bird flu, and the like makes money, lots of it. In fact, he says he's making enough money to make Solomon blush. He also indicates that the war in Iraq is making enough money to make God cream in his jeans. Which establishes new universal canon in my world. God wears jeans, that robe was getting a bit ripe methinks. 

Eventually, everything non-wraps with a non-conclusion that features somebody finding the still-animated head of a zombie thrashing in a plastic bag, hinting at the possibility of a sequel. We can only hope the world is that awesome. Aside from the obviously thinly-veiled attacks on GW Bush, and the american government, I have to admit that I was genuinely entertained by this film for the entire two hours. If you have the chance, I really do suggest you watch it. Hell, if you want to, I can set it up and we can all watch it together at my place. Included below are even more awesome pictures for you to enjoy from this film, which I did not download illegally to share said screencaps. 

Probably should've written this when things were still fresh

So the ball the ball is apparently in my court as far as describing our RHPS evening goes, apparently. Let's get through this, shall we?

Imaginary Hipster Boy:

This is one of those weird situations when it seems like one of the involved parties is stalking the other, but really it's just coincidence--right?

We first encountered this sad figure at the Old Dundee, planted alone at the bar. Being people watchers, we made note of him. Maybe made some fun, because hey, it's what we do.

Things got a little weird when we moved on to the 1020. The inside of the bar was intensely crowded, so we vacated to the patio area. Who should we find but this hipster boy, sitting at a table, once again on his own. I feel like he must have some sort of powers involving space-time, because we didn't exactly dawdle when switching bars, nor did I see him leave the Old Dundee, but there he was. I was probably just drunk, but hey, stories are better that way.

We actually struck up a conversation. When I say we I think I mean Josh. Anyway, the stalking came up, as it always will in these coincidental stalking situations, but the more interesting point made was the possibility that this strange lonely hipster was some sort of figment of our imaginations. We hadn't seen anyone else talking to him and he could apparently apparate, so it seemed like a fair conclusion to draw. I don't think the conversation went much farther then that and I seem to remember believing we had scared him off.

All of the theories we had formulated about him had to be thrown out the window later that night. While walking back to our car after the show, we waltzed right past him, talking to someone (!) on the sidewalk. He hollered at us about the stalking, and I was shocked to see him sans hat. The lesson learned is that a stylish hat can really make the difference between hipster and greasy Magic: The Gathering enthusiast. The more you know.

Creepy Chi-Mo Farmer Dad:

It was bluegrass night at the 1020. Some people chose to come in costume. One man chose to dress up as my dad. Well, that probably wasn't his intention, but he basically nailed it (my dad was a larger straw hat, whereas this almost doppleganger had opted for a cowboy hat). He wandered out to the aforementioned patio area and I could not not talk to this guy. I have a really bad tendency to start up conversations I have absolutely no intention of finishing, but this guy would not just let it awkwardly taper off as so many others kindly do. I don't think he was really a child molester, but I described him as creepy and Josh applied his new favorite term to him.

Sexy Cop:

Another patio person. I think we somehow became the "cool" table on the patio, because this girl was all over sitting with us. And she straight jacked my lighter! And then gave it back, but I was concerned for roughly a minute there. We're pretty sure she had a tape recorder. I would say she gets hero status for cornering an employee and getting them to point us in the direction of the restroom though, so kudos to you mysterious sexy cop!

Big Mac:

Probably my favorite character of the evening, and the one we know the least about. We went to McDonald's for some drunchkies (and lo, it was good!) and Josh decides to get them to break his 100, which was a great decision. The girl working the window let out a holler of "BIG MAC!" leading me to wonder if that was a person or an order. Luckily, Big Mac showed up. Seriously. It's just a guy, working at a McDonald's, known to all as Big Mac. I wish I knew more, but it was pretty amazing.

Red Shirt:

After our food we went back to the Old Dundee to drink more and wait until we can buy our tickets/start waiting in line. When we sit down, I notice there are three guys dressed in Star Trek uniforms. Okay I don't know anything about Star Trek, but I do know red shirts exist to get killed, so I have to know how one of these fellas ended up as the Red Shirt. I wander over and ask, but it turns out he wanted to be. Why would you choose this? I guess it's a joke, but really it strikes me more as a punishment. I think I compared it to the lady in the Olive Garden commercial (which I cannot find on the internet right now) who has to pass out breadsticks while her friends do nothing. What did she do to deserve that fate? Basically Red Shirt did not provide me the Olive Garden commercial related closure that I needed, and so for that he deserves his inevitable fate.

The show:

It was a RHPS midnight show. Screaming, props, etc. Good times, but nothing too notable.

And I think that's everything we were supposed to cover? Sorry if that was mainly nonsensical, but at least it's out of the way now? I should stop ending sentences with question marks.