Alice in Wonderland

"Well, after this, I should think nothing of falling down stairs." -- Alice 

Did you ever wake up one morning and realize that everything was changing all at once and without adequate warning or provocation? This is happening to me right now. Suddenly, I am Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, destination unknown. I find myself in this midway point where nothing makes any sense. There is no gravity, so I can't find a place to cetner, ground or focus myself. The walls are blurred and vague so I can't even get a bearing to find out which direction I'm going, for all I know, I'm going to land any day now and find that I've turned up in some mysterious land where up is down and in is under. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll end up with a smart-assed cat as a tour-guide. He'll speak in riddles and the people I meet will be essential to my ongoing development, and eventual acceptance of my fate.

I'm sorry, did my analogy go a bit too far? Here's the deal. Things are changing. Financially, Emotionally, Familial-ly, Personally, Socially pretty much every-ly that there is, is changing. On Monday afternoon, I have an interview for a job that will result in an incredible amount of money and startling opportunity to change the very core of my existence. It might not sound like much, but I'm really excited about this job because it's a job I've had before and it's a job that I have excelled at that has offered me fulfillment like no other job ever has.

Also on Monday, I'm going to have what I am pretty sure will be the last conversation I'm going to have with a few people. I've already determined that it is time to permanently remove certain people from my life. I'm done being the whipping boy, and I will no longer be the one to crawl and beg for forgiveness for the sake of maintaining relationships with people who don't love me and never have. I'll give them the news that I have been holding on to, and then I will take a stack of books to my kid brother. I would like to act like this will not affect me. I will pretend that it is easy to cut these people out of my life. It will be terrible. It will hurt, but frankly, I haven't even been close to them in my life, and I don't imagine that this conversation will endear them to me, nor I to they.

My friendships are evolving as well. People who helped to define me a year ago and who have faded into the background of my life have been slowly coming back. Even Aaron has become a more prevalent presence which is reminding me that just because something goes far away doesn't mean it can't come back one day. He's teaching me how to love and let myself be loved too, which is making my life a lot easier as of late.

So are my romantic interests. I am down to two, if you'll recall my previous post regarding the three types of people I fall for, only two of them remain viable options. One of those remaining two is leaps and bounds beyond the other thanks to some very caring messages he sent after I discussed my situation with my mother with him last evening. I am eager to see him soon. The next time I see him, I will tell him that he matters to me more than anybody else in my life right now. It will surprise him. It will scare him, and it will be honest.

In short, everything is changing in my life. I'm happy about these changes, and I'm hoping that Wonderland is as beautiful and crazy and different as I've been promised time and time again.