Zombie Strippers

George W Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president, taking Florida, which due to a glitch in the Jeb B voting terminals, tallied one single vote for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger. Bush's presidency was unanimously declared legally binding by the Supreme Court as well as "totally cool" by Supreme Justice Jenna Bush who subsequently set in motion another Supreme Kegger. Following the landslide victory, a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented. Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress, claiming it was "cramping his style." American Troops continue to be strung thin due to the still raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.

Let me begin by saying that the previous paragraph is a direct quote. It is the entire exposition of this remarkable, jaw-dropping film, released in 2008. These are, in fact, the opening lines of said film, in a mock-news program that brings to mind parallels with Romeo + Juliet. It is that level of attention to detail that makes me honored to watch, review, and recap the movies of our time. This stands out as a prime example of cinematic genius, the likes of which I am sure won't be seen for at least a hundred years. Why this didn't win every award imaginable is beyond me. I have personally begun a letter-writing campaign to resubmit this film in every category of every award known to mankind for the next fifty years based on pure brilliance alone. I mean, look at some of these headlines, ripped from the news programs of tomorrow:

• There are 54 days left in the year. 
• Gas prices rise to $23 per gallon.
• Brangelina adopts Etheopia.
• Canada dollar triples US Dollar. 

If that isn't genius, I don't know what its, and the base premise of the film is rife with sardonic whimsy that brings memories of film-greats of yore. That said, on with my review/recap. 

The news program introduces us to a sciency lady in front of a warehouselab wearing a lab-coat, like ya do. She informs the world that she and her team have made startling new discoveries in the field of reanimating dead tissue to assist in the growing shortage of soldiers to fight America's ongoing wars. This, surprisingly, cuts to pandemonium. Zombies have taken over what appears to be a warehouselab of some sort, undoubtedly the one seen previously. Zombie-monsters run rampant through the halls devouring unsuspecting research assistants and doctors, while a lone man stands in a window. We'll call him Doctor Calmncool. His assistant, Doctor Tits McGee shows up to inform him that the military has arrived to help contain the problem. 

Chica, Major, Bubbles, Knives, Ke$ha, and Bald-guy

We are introduced to the military representatives, who make it known that, as marines, they drink napalm and piss fire, sir! There is a brief sequence in which each of the people are introduced and their role made clear, the only one not pictured to the left is Lovable-Nerd, who is addressing said group with an intelligent observation of, "You see this? There's fuckin' Zombies out there!" A scientific conclusion if ever I heard one. 

After a briefing from Doctors CnC & TmG, the exposition is explained once again. With the repeated exposition, we also get a few more added bits of wisdom. Among said wisdom is the fact that the virus is based upon the X-chromosome. As such, "The virus remains pure from woman to woman, but, once you get a man in there, like everything else, it all goes to shit." This is now Zombie Lore canon. If you don't know what canon is, then fret not. Kaka and I will be making a post soon in which we discuss Religious, Christmas and Universal canon. Specifically, the birth of Santa. We also discover that a localized EMP, that's electro-magnetic-pulse to you, will knock out the zombies for a short while, making them easier to killsmash. But how do you do that? The doctors suggest surgically removing the Medulla Oblongata, to which the Major responds with the suggestion of shooting them with guns. This appears effective. 

The army dude(tte)s fight through the warehouselab, developed by W Industries, and we get a visual treat as some of the best special effects in the history of mankind are shown time after time. If you haven't seen this film, I encourage you to go and get a Netflix account specifically for this purpose. It's staggering. As our heros continue their quest to kill zombies, they strip down to the most attractive army outfits they can manage, which means a tank top and skin-tight pants for the women and anything that shows off arms for the men. The zombies close in on them in a hallway, and they use the EMP to knock out the zombies. This knocks them on their backs for about thirteen seconds. Then shit commences in getting real. By real, I mean hilarious. There is some biting, which leads to Sassy Chica, deciding to spend this time blaming others, instead of working on shooting her way out of the zombie swarm. 

It goes without saying that Private Byrdflough, literally, that's the name for Lovable-Nerd, has been bitten. In an effort to escape being killed by his fellow armymans, he runs away when nobody is looking and breaks out of the warehouselab, and into the countryside, where he wanders for twenty seconds to find another window, which leads into the basement of an adjoining building. After some mindless wandering, he finds his way to the stage of said establishment, This is Rhino's, a local strip club. The logo of which is seen to the side. It is a Rhino wearing a g-string. Needless to say, Private Byrdflough is ushered off-stage to make way for our main attraction, Kat. In the background, during Kat's dance, a sweet innocent girl appears and we are reminded of the exposition again, when a young man tries to give the bouncer his fake ID, and the bouncer says that "This place is more illegal than that ID."

Backstage, we learn that everybody either hates or worships the star of the club, Kat, and we are introduced to the young woman from earlier. We learn that her name is Jessie. She was born and raised in Sartre, Nebraska, on a farm. She eats a lot of corn and loves her some Jesus. She's doing this to raise money to help pay for her Nana's colostomy. In this reality, every stripper on the planet was a Philosophy major at UNK, we know this because they spend the entirety of the film making philosophical observations about their place in the world. I say, 'in this reality' as if this weren't the truth in the real world, but we'll just glaze over that.

Likewise, in this universe, Freddy Kreuger, instead of molesting little children, opened a strip-club and is terrified of the girls, whom he has dubbed, Walking Herpes. 

On stage, a goth dancer performs for the huddled Nebraskan masses. Oh, did I forget to mention that this entire thing takes place in Nebraska? Yeah. Speaks volumes to what people think of Nebraska and the people who live here. The next hour of so of the film is primarily scenes of women stripping. As this is a family blog, filled with wholesome goodness, I have chosen not to include shots of such things. That would be a violation of my ethical code, to which I adhere very tightly. You'll find no boobies here, nope, none at all. Just know that eventually, one of the strippers, Kat, gets bit by Private Byrdflough, and she quickly becomes a zombie, who goes back on stage to perform for the assembled crowd. 

Apparently, they really like it, and she takes one of the men to the private booths for what he can only hope will be a really amazing lap-dance. Regrettably, all is not as it seems. She quickly devours said gentleman, and leaves quite the mess for our hispanic janitor to take care of. There is a charming exchange between the Madame of this establishment, Freddy and the janitor. The suggestion is made that they use badgers to clean up the mess, as they eat flesh, to which the janitor replies, "Badgers? Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' Badgers!" He then does his fucking job and cleans up the mess and finds a still-animated head of the unfortunate gentleman who was Kat's first meal. 

The assembled masses are entertained by non-zombie dancers for a few minutes, while we adjourn to Freddy's office. They discuss the unfortunate situation in which they've found themselves. They make several tough decisions. Of them, none is to kill the zombies. They decide that they're going to let the girls do as they please, which leads to goth-girl getting zombified, and a number of other patrons being killed/eated and then being relocated to a cage in the basement, because all strip clubs in Nebraska are required by law to have a cage in the basement. It's truth. I read it in a multi-sourced Wikipedia article. 

Robert Englund is the number one performer in this movie in my mind. Seriously, he makes some of the most fantastic faces ever. He carries himself so convincingly, and manages to keep a straight face and serious delivery through every line of abysmal dialogue. He is probably the funniest man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting in person. Yes, I met Robert Englund in person several years ago. He was at Mystery Manor one year, signing autographs and being generally kick ass. Loved it. 

Zombie goth-girl performs on stage. Did I mention that this speaks volumes about Nebraskan men? We must be seriously repressed to be this turned on by zombie strippers. In the following scene, an un-turned stripper is booed off stage for not being as sexy as zombies. I feel like, even if I did like boobies, i wouldn't pay to watch dead boobies. I might pay a zombie stripper tax to keep said zombies inside of zombie strip clubs and limit their exposure to the general populace, but that's about it. It's about this time that we discover that nobody much cares for not-dead strippers anymore, and if the girls want to make money, they'll need to zombify, which is a word according to Chrome's spellcheck. 

At about this point, we get a series of zombification, devouring, and lockup scenes. Boobies galore, and zombie humor ensues.  Did I say humor, I meant horror, yeah, that's it. This movie was terrifying. Oh who am I kidding, this was probably the funniest thing I've watched in a damn long time. Certainly funnier than Tombstone. 

Come on! We even get this great image of the beaner giving the dobule-bird to a zombie! (i'm a racist, did I mention that earlier?) If that isn't cinematic/comedic-gold, I don't know what is. I will say that the zombie makeup effects are actually pretty sensational in some parts. While the blood effects fail at life time and time again, there are a few scenes where the effects team really excelled, and in color, which is difficult as anybody with any real makeup experience will tell you. When it comes to low-budget films, you are pretty restricted when it comes to effects, and somehow, the team for this film really took their trade to a new level that I genuinely appreciated when it came to make up. Don't get me wrong though, some of the green-screening in this film is something out of freshman film class, but still...

It is at about this point, that, through the idiocy of my least favorite type of person, namely grown men who wear letter jackets, the military learns of the existence of zombie strippers. That is hardly the best part of the following scenes. Let me see if I have the right words to express what happens next. One of the skanks who hates the lead skank, the skank who first became a zombie skank, is pissed about the spotlight hogging, and decides that the best way to defeat her is to fight fire with fire. So, skank2 becomes a zombie, and we have what I have dubbed a Zombitch-off. That is a dance-off between Zombie stripper sluts. Please see the following photographs for a better explanation of what I mean. 

Skank1

The beginning of the duel.

The gloves come off.

First blood.

Using a man's arm as a weapon.

Using a man as a weapon, and killing him in the process.

This would be the use of centrifugal force to blow away skank1.

The end result of shooting billiard balls from skank1's vagina.

Choke fight.

Skank2, rips the flesh from skank1.

Yeah... yeah.... Yeah.

During this fight, the zombies downstairs get loose and start to invade the club, at the same time as the military showing up to save everybody, and effectively end this Zombitch-off. After some needless titty-bouncing and some outrageous special-effects, we learn than Doc CnC was behind the whole thing! GASP! The military has effectively eliminated the threat, and we learn from Doc CalmnCool that it took months of planning for him to get a hold of a sample of the virus which he then released into the populace of the warehouselab. Why would he do such a thing? Money. We learn that terrorist attacks, bird flu, and the like makes money, lots of it. In fact, he says he's making enough money to make Solomon blush. He also indicates that the war in Iraq is making enough money to make God cream in his jeans. Which establishes new universal canon in my world. God wears jeans, that robe was getting a bit ripe methinks. 

Eventually, everything non-wraps with a non-conclusion that features somebody finding the still-animated head of a zombie thrashing in a plastic bag, hinting at the possibility of a sequel. We can only hope the world is that awesome. Aside from the obviously thinly-veiled attacks on GW Bush, and the american government, I have to admit that I was genuinely entertained by this film for the entire two hours. If you have the chance, I really do suggest you watch it. Hell, if you want to, I can set it up and we can all watch it together at my place. Included below are even more awesome pictures for you to enjoy from this film, which I did not download illegally to share said screencaps. 

Le Quattro Stagioni (Or: I'm A Pretensious Asshat)

I was thinking about the seasons a couple of nights ago, mainly because this winter is kicking my ass, but in my contemplations I decided that each season has a different sense that it predominantly effects, at least for me. Taste is not represented, because... well I don't really taste the seasons.

Spring has always been a very visual season for me. The first robin I see tells me it's spring. When I was growing up, even if I hadn't seen a robin, I knew it was spring when the daffodils started to poke through the ground (or snow). Seeing a group of trees for the first time since they started budding with their misty, almost unreal, green quality is pretty much the definition of spring for me. Even at college spring meant pretty sights. There is a certain path on UNL's campus that is canopied with trees that have gorgeous pink blossoms, but they're only there for about a week. Walking west through it in the afternoon would treat you to the sight of the sun's light glowing through the flowers that completely covered the sky.

Summer is completely tactile. The air is heavy; walking out the door gives the sensation of gravity changing. The sun burning your skin, covered in prickly sweat. Being soaked to the bone in a surprise summer thunderstorm. But the most important summer sensation to me is walking barefoot at night on rough sidewalks that still maintain the heat of the day (specifically getting up on my tippy-toes to kiss someone goodnight).

Autumn is all about smell. Nothing smells like the fall. The dry, dead leaves covering the ground, slowly decaying and filling the air with a rich smell, combined with the crisp smell of the cold. I can't really think of anything beyond that. That's autumn to me.

And winter is about sound. I loved going outside at night after a huge snowfall, and feeling like the only person in the world. It's the only time the world is really quiet. The sound of snow crunching beneath your feet can seem deafening when compared to that. Then there is the less friendly sound of the incredibly cruel wind whistling by, but even that can be comforting when you're inside and curled up under blankets.

And, as a special added bonus, I totally forgot to put this song on my holiday soundtrack. I recently realized that Shchedryk sounds way too close to ominous Latin chanting, and constantly makes me visualize Christmas gone HORRIBLY WRONG, so here's a version of Carol of the Bells that (probably) won't drive you insane:

Cancel that. I'll try later. Stupid blogger just did not upload my like 36 kb video in the two hours I gave it to. Maybe I'll leave it running all night in a different post.)

Pi π

"Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun. So once when I was six I did."

I like math. It's not like I'm Asian or anything. I don't spend my weekends memorizing the digits of π in an effort to compete with Lu Chao, and take the world record. I don't send emails to math professors asking for unsolved equations to toy with when I'm bored. I'm not Will Hunting, I just like math. I think it's interesting. Surprising, when you consider that the furthest I ever bothered to go with math was Calc/Trig (I list them together because I took them in the same semester) I understand the basics of almost all well-known collective mathematical theorems. I tend to stay away from things that only an engineer would need, but I've been known to secretly read a text book when nobody is looking just to learn something outrageous and new.

Lately though, when showcasing my math-knowledge, I've been poked at. You'd be surprised how intimidating math is. Some people have gotten downright mean with me in fact. Surprisingly, not even as a result of especially rare, or complex math. For instance, while working on my post about how I hate Netflix customers, I was doing head math to calculate how many DVDs we process on a given day for the sake of said post. I was talking to myself trying to memorize the numbers, during a break, and my coworkers started commenting on my math skills, and asking me if I'm some sort of freakish Asian calculator. This of course led to the sense of ostracism that I had in elementary and high school when I knew how to spell the words that other kids had nightmares about. Asian-hating aside, it seems a bit silly that grown men and women are so willing to ignore, fear or outright hate knowledge.  

When did knowledge become something to fear as an adult? You'd be amazed at how quickly somebody will jump on the offensive or go to their, 'kill-it-with-fire' place because you've given them a piece of information, or provided them with knowledge they didn't know before. God forbid you tell a 'Wiccan' that they're using the word incorrectly, or God super-forbid you mention that the religion itself was developed and formalized in the 1930s and most scholars agree that it has nothing to do with prior anthropological evidence about duotheistic religions. I'll admit it, I can be confrontational at times, but I never pass on knowledge in an effort to make people feel smaller than me, and in fact, encourage people to give me new information to fill up my head. I figure I'm not using all of the memory space in my brainputer, so why not learn more. What better place to learn more than from other human beings? 

I have lived by,and celebrate the fact that I know a little about a lot, and a lot about a little. The areas where I perform highest are in Music, Math, Language, Psychology, and Religion. These are the five areas that I have put huge amounts of time into, and really they're all tied back to the fact that music is my life. I find lately though, that the more people I meet, the more I realize that most people don't even know a little about a lot. Most people know almost nothing. 

The old adage that knowledge is power, seems to be considerably less prevalent. When did high school, or college, mean the end of education? Are Katrina and I the only people I know who read for the sake of knowledge, and engage in wiki-suck purely for the sense of joy it fills us with to know that the unused space in our minds has been filled with newness? I sure hope not, because if we are, then I'm pretty sure than things are going to get really ugly really fast. 

I sure hope that my friends, the people that I entrust with my future, are worthy of such trust. Here's to hoping that we aren't alone in our never-ending quest for knowledge. Let me be the first to say that if you ever need to learn something new, I am always available to give you a drop of knowledge. likewise, if you ever learn something fascinating, and feel like sharing, my brainbanks will gladly take your deposit. 

Clerks

Death to Duct-Tape

"Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."

As I'm sure you've guessed, I work at a local Netflix hub. I have to first and foremost admit that due to a number of NDAs, I can't share too much about any of the things I do to make money. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get bitched at for the post I'm about to write. While reading said post, remember that this is a personal blog, and the views expressed, while logical, and generally agreed upon by employees of your local hubs,are my own and in no way reflect the official stance, practices, and observations of Netflix INC it's parent companies or subsidiaries. That said, I hate at least 40% of the people who have a Netflix account in the Omaha Metro Area, or the Sioux Falls, SD area, or the Sioux City, IA Metro Area.

112,000. That is the approximate number of DVDs that are sent into the Omaha hub ever week. The hub is active and running six days a week. In a given week, I process approximately 12,000 of those DVDs. Processing DVDs is actually a very Zen activity most of the time. I return anywhere from 530 to 600 DVDs in a given hour and, on average, work between 18 and 24 hours a week. Of the 500+ DVDs I deal with in an hour, at least 100 of them piss me off. Another 50 REALLY piss me off. Then, another 25-50 make me want to kill you. For the most part, I'm a good sport about it. I laugh it off, and continue about my work.

Lately though, things have become more and more outrageous. From disks that are written-on with sharpies, to people and their bitchy notes, I am becoming more and more annoyed with the people in my city and the surrounding area. If you're a blogbuddy, which is my new name for people who read my blog on the regular, you will have seen my Netflix Damage Flow Chart not too long ago.

Generally, my complaints fall into one of three categories. First: Discs misaligned. Second: Bitchy notes. Third: Bad decisions.

Misaligned discs are discs that have been put into their sleeve facing the wrong direction. I know, I know a minor annoyance, but when your job is based entirely upon speed and accuracy, having all of your discs facing the same, correct direction saves anywhere from 2 to 4 seconds per disc. On top of that, you get the discs facing forward when they show up to you, so why not return the favor? Misaligned discs also cover the category of sleeves which have been placed into the envelope upside-down, or backwards. Every envelope has a little window cut into it. This window is where the big barcode should go. It's where the barcode goes when you get the envelope too. It's super easy. I promise. This again shaves anywhere from 1 to 3 second off of the processing time of the disc. The best way to solve this? Put your disc facing forward, and put the sleeve where it belongs.

Bitchy notes are probably the funniest of the things I have to put up with. They range from very simple notes letting us know that there is a broken disc in the sleeve, or  that they've put multiple discs in the sleeve itself. I can round this out very simply. Your notes are not needed. Your notes are not wanted. Your notes are not appreciated. Your notes create excess work for me and the other employees. Work that can be avoided at 4 o'clock in the morning by you not being retarded. Here's the deal. You get the disc in the sleeve, in the envelope. The envelope reads, clear as day, "Please do not insert anything other than DVD & sleeve in mailer. To report a problem, visit www.netflix.com/help" Do you understand those words? I sure hope you do. Aside from the obvious  fact that you have at least a basic knowledge of the internet, considering the fact that you signed up for an account online and add movies to your queue and rate said movies etc... writing a note is just passive-aggressive and obnoxious. If you'd already submitted the problem online, then the computer that sorts our DVDs will catch the disc and spit it out for a Quality Check. If you didn't report the problem, then if there is noticeable damage, one of us will catch it during the return process.

Other notes that piss me off are notes along the lines of the following. Let me make this very clear that these are exact quotes from notes I received TODAY.

"Cancel my account, I'm not home enough to use it."
"Add Appaloosa to my cue[sic]."
"Send me another copy of this DVD"
"Chapter 3 skips, there are fingerprints on the disc"
"This disc skipped. I want a credit on my acct."
"This movie was disgusting. I want my money back"

1, 2, 3, 4 : These are issues that can be automated online.
5 & 6 : These can be dealt with online, or addressed over the phone with Customer Service.

Either way, sending your notes only make us annoyed with you. In fact, we dedicate a portion of our breaks to making fun of people and the notes they've sent in. So, aside from being douchey, you're being made fun of and people don't like you.

Finally, we have Bad Decisions. Let me give you some examples. You know that sleeve taht you spilled coffee on, then sent through the shredder, and caught half-way through? Don't send it to me. It's useless. You know how you like to put your DVDs on the coffee table, where the dog likes to get a hold of them and chew them? Yeah, don't do that either. You know how you give you kid crayons and they colour all over the sleeve? Annoying. Oh yeah, remember that one time when you stapled the mailer closed? Don't fucking do that again. Staples are the bane of my existence. I could write an entire post about staples and the woes they cause me. While on the subject of alternative envelope-sealing mechanisms, don't use tape. Don't use duct tape. Don't use scotch tape. Don't use electrical tape. If you absolutely MUST use tape, use gaffers tape, maybe masking tape. DON'T USE GLUE!

Other bad decisions would include putting more than two discs into a sleeve, and more than two discs in an envelope. Seriously. if I get one more envelope with 6+ discs in it, I'll scream. Legit. SCREAM. more than three discs causes so much stress on the mailer, and increases the chances of a disc breaking en-route. Envelopes don't take up much space. You can keep them, I promise.

Other bad decisions would be putting the wrong disc in a sleeve. I can understand putting multiple discs in, sometimes shit happens. Today though, I got a mailer with eight discs in it. All eight discs were in one sleeve. NONE OF THEM WERE THE DISC FOR THAT SLEEVE! Seriously. If you know that the disc you're putting in is broken or wrong, do me a favour, put a big black X on the sleeve. It would save me about a million years in wasted time.

These things said, I appreciate those of you who don't fail at life. I love and adore people who use their mailers as canvases and showcase art for us to enjoy and share with our fellow employees. I love people who put their DVDs in the sleeve facing the right way, and the sleeve in the envelope facing correctly, without notes, or piss-stains.

Hell, I didn't even touch on people who smoke eight packs a day and infuse their sleeves and mailers with the stench of their cancer. I didn't even bring up the people who leave food in their mailer either!Consider yourselves lucky that I didn't mention the staggering amount of porn people 'accidentally' send in to Netflix. Or the number of people who put their personal DVDs into their Netflix mailers, or their game discs. OR their blockbuster discs. Seriously, people who have both Blockbuster Online and Netflix accounts somehow mix the two up.

I swear all it takes is a teeny tiny bit of common sense, and we can all be happy people. I promises.

Zoolander

 "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."-- Derek Zoolnader

So, I have sex from time to time. I'm sure you may have pondered or suspected as much, because, in case you weren't sure the entire universe spends every waking moment wondering what is happening in my life. Likewise, in case you weren't certain, having sex often results in the potential of downsides, or negative side-effects. By which I mean that earlier this week, I got a phone call from a previous boyfriend of mine, who shall remain nameless for his own protection and my sanity. During said phone call, he revealed that two weeks ago, he took an HIV test and the results came back positive for antibodies.

Now, this young man and I broke up sometime ago. We also hadn't engaged in any risky behaviors in the last month or two of our relationship, so I was fairly confident of my status. Regardless, anytime there is a scare, especially in the gay community, it is a good idea to make certain that everything is alright. We are a community of bitchy, self-centered, self-involved and holier-than-thou cunts. I say this with nothing but respect and affection for the gay community, but let's face it, it's true. We're not nice people for the most part, and when it comes to sex, we're downright rude sometimes. I am no exception.

So, the first thing I do after the phone call is turn around and call the people I've done anything with since the breakup. it leads to a number of awkward conversations and several unusual explanations, as well as reassurements (not a word) that I am about 80% confident of my current status. Surprisingly, it leads to reconnecting with some people I've lost touch with, and allows me the opportunity to force my mind away from the dark place that it is destined to go to. Ok, I lied. The first thing I did was freak out, and cry on Katrina's shoulder for a few seconds before collecting myself and making the phone calls. I also got angry for a second there, but I recovered from that rather quickly. Sure he waited two weeks to tell me, but hell, I'm the first person he told.

So, Katrina and i decide that I need to go get tested. The soonest we can do it is Thursday. (That would be today, or if you're reading this at a later date, the other day that isn't today.) I spend the entire night staring at the insides of my eyelids and writing my gleecap. My heart is going insane, and my head is running at least eight-billion miles per hour. I'm calculating dates, looking at WebMD and doing things that are only making it worse. I ended up getting less than an hour of sleep before going in to work. This was the first time that I've ever had a conscious want or desire to go to work. At least while I'm at work, my mind is focused on the needlessly mundane task of sorting DVDs.

The next night is more of the same, until this evening when I hop into the car with Katrina there for support. We drive down to the Nebraska AIDS Project facility. It's just a few blocks from the McDonald's on 78th & Dodge. It's a pretty uick drive, and fairly easy to find if you know what you're looking for. It's a beautiful building, with the ugliest carpet known to mankind. I would have taken photographs, but I felt like it would be kind of insensitive to the anonymous nature of HIV testing. The lobby is pretty simple, a few chairs, an attractive secretary sitting behind the desk, and a TV playing the worst television programs known to mankind. Ok, I take that back, it was playing Scrubs when we first walked in, which kicked ass.

So, I take my number and have a seat. Katrina and I sort of chitchat for a few brief moments. There is a deafening silence in this room. She and I are sitting in a corner, down from us is a hairy man with a scent akin to nothing ok. Across from us is an adorable gay couple who look worried and a little flustered. Likewise, there is a grown woman wearing a letter jacket from 1998 and her gay besty.

I'll pause and say that earlier today, Katrina and I were just talking about people who can't let go of their high school triumphs. I have NO RESPECT for anybody who wears a letterman jacket after the summer following graduation. Period.

So, we kind of act nonchalant, and interject humor where possible to make things as not uncomfortable as possible. I feel a bit like Tyler Durden making single serving friends in the abnormally shaped lobby area while we listen to make-believe med interns be witty and share bromantic moments. Eventually, after what can safely described as an eternity, I am summoned through an imposing door, and into a long hallways which leads to a sterile looking room with the tackiest linoleum ever, and a little chair.

After a quick signature and my initials, I get stabbed in the finger with a force that suggests unspoken rage on the part of my tech. She explains everything that has already been read repeatedly. She eventually tells me that she'll be hiding me in a side room to wait for counseling and that my results should be done within the next fifteen or twenty minutes.

So, she deposits me into a room that is vaguely reminiscent of an airplane bathroom. It has three chairs, and a number of the worst paintings/rints and photographs known to mankind. Seriously, they must have stopped in at the nearest goodwill and just bought everything they could find. It's very ... eclectic. It's just plain outrageous, and the tiny trashcan in the room is just plain filthy. Before leaving, she asks if it is ok for the trainee to sit in on my counseling session.

After a few minutes, and text messages to/from Katrina, I hear a knock on the door. Why knock? Seriously. I know it's polite and all, but you obviously know that there is somebody behind the door waiting for you. A middle-aged man with an attitude problem enters, followed by a younger guy named Trevor. We exchange pleasantries, and he learns more about my sex life than I share with most potential boyfriends. It is interesting to note that situations like this are what I live and breathe for. I love when people attempt to maintain a sense and facade of respectability in situations where it is painfully obvious that neither party really wants to be having this conversation. There is a lot of apologizing, and awkward looks over our shoulders. The awkwardness is beautiful and fills me up. It's like a drug to me. You can tell he's expecting the other person, (me), to lie about everything, and when I give straightforward answers, he stares at me incredulously. All in all, it is delightful.

So, he tells me to wait in the lobby, and I rejoin Katrina. While there, i meet a charming blonde woman with a peasant demeanor and charming personality. We discuss current trends in television. We share a brief moment while watching some outrageous show where people who can't sing have to guess the lyrics in a song they're singing, If you know the title, let me know. I intend to watch it from now on.

Shortly afterward, I'm summoned into that imposing hallway, and ushered, by Trevor, into a different creepily tiny room, with different ugly paintings, to be given my results. After a brief conversation about drug use, condoms, and just how accurate my test is, I am encouraged to come back again sometime. I didn't want to  spoil the surprise, but suffice it to say that I tested negative for HIV antibodies in my rapid results test. I opted to have blood drawn, and an additional cheek-swab to be sent to two different labs in the area to make absolutely certain that everything comes back negative. I will know for certain in about 10-14 days. In the meantime, I'm satisfied with the 99.76% certainty, especially considering that I was tested shortly after our breakup.

All joking, bitchy commentary, and kidding aside, I would like to break for a PSA. Go get tested. If you don't know your status, or think you know your status, but have even the slightest tinge of worry or doubt, it's a great way to give yourself a bit of a pick-me-up. Luckily, here in Nebraska, we have the Nebraska AIDS Project which is a sensational public resource that offers free testing for HIV and low cost testing for other STDs. All in all, from start to finish, I was in the office for less than 30 minutes, and came out of it with a resounding sense of relief and comfort even with my previous surety that I was safe to begin with.

Hell if you need somebody to go with just for the sake of solidarity, call me, and I'm there.

I decided this would be a good post while trying to fall asleep. Judge accordingly.

Today I would like to talk to you about TV Tropes. The first thing I would like to offer is an apology to anyone who loves to analyze fiction and has a tendency to overload their browser with tabs, because you may become addicted.

But introductions may be in order. TV Tropes is a site dedicated to cataloging recurrent themes in all sorts of fiction. It's like Wikipedia, but it doesn't believe in notoriety. This leads it to being a lot more entertaining than Wikipedia, because you can say what you want to and without having to worry about dredging up a citation.

For years now I will hop on TV Tropes anytime I finish reading a book, watching a movie, or catching up on a TV series. I like to see if the tropes I spotted in the work are on its page and if there were any tropes I somehow missed, either completely on the website or just passed me by while engrossed in the fiction.

TV Tropes changes the way you read and watch. For example, it gave me an easy way to explain why Avatar was a terrible movie. It recycles a billion tropes without a fresh take, hoping that its (admittedly awesome) effects will mask it. It's no Citizen Kane (which took a relatively standard story and used modern, artful film making to make it amazing), but people treat it like it. But I will not go into an Author Filibuster, so let me get back to the point.

By changing the way you absorb fiction, it changes the way you talk about it. This creates a sense of community between tropers. I cannot describe my joy when I stumble upon someone else who can conversationally trope. For the most part, constantly having tropes running through my head makes me feel a little separated from others (it's like I'm speaking a different language, no matter how clear I think the trope names are), but when someone else knows what I'm talking about it's like... our brains are high fiving each other.

So yes, this is a slightly evil attempt to create more tropers I can interact with. So please check it out. If you are a certain kind of person, it is the perfect website for you. And if you like anime, you'll probably love it more than I do, since I spend a decent amount of time scrolling past the anime sections to get to things I'm actually interested in.

Edited to include a couple more crucial points that I forgot because I'm silly:

TV Tropes will introduce you to new stuff. I have found so many things I love just by browsing through the website. Hell, this is the site that introduced me to Cracked, which is equally addicting. I've found a ton of books, music, TV shows, and movies that I have gotten supreme enjoyment out of, that I never would've known about were I not a troper.

And of course, if you enjoy writing fiction at all, this is a great guide for you. Tropes are not bad, but they can be applied poorly. Spending way too much time on the site can make you a better writer, or at least a more thoughtful one.

Romeo + Juliet

"And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."

This continues my ongoing series on The Things I Have Learned From The Boys I Have Kissed. This particular installment is in recognition of a young man I lived with in Arizona, specifically Arcosanti. For those who don't know, Arcosanti is an experimental Arcology and failed attempt at ecological design paradigms. I moved to Phoenix in 2003, almost immediately after graduation, and then moved to Arcosanti in October.Over my three years at Arcosanti, I met a lot of people, with a constant influx of new population every five weeks, it was easy to meet new guys and have single-serving sexual partners that would disappear and never return. Until I met Murray.

Murray was pretty much made of magic. Not beautiful in the classical or traditional sense of the word, he set my soule on fire. He managed to fill me up with new thoughts and ideas. He challenged my pre-existing ideals and gave me somebody to confide in and fall in love with. Boy did I fall too. I crashed and burned. We shared some of the closest moments I've ever shared with another person. We would spend hours atop the ceramics apse, Crafts III building, and Vaults enjoying our lives and sharing whispers with each other.

During the day we would have passing conversations in the Office, and share meals in the Cafe. he would tail my tours, and I would give him pointers on his. At night, we would spend hours conversing via AIM and trade commentaries on livejournal and beyond. From time to time, we would bury ourselves in our friend Denman and spend the evening watching anime in her room while cracking wise, and making light of the universe as a whole, all the while respecting it.

Once, we committed acts of art and war at McDonald's all the while being pet by Denman, and egged on by others. We ate Swedish Fish, and drove a solar-powered golf-cart in the middle of the night. Sharing poetry in the Vaults, and at the mouths of caves in the middle of the desert, we practiced speaking our mind and not being a bitch.

He taught me something that no other boy had taught me before though. During all of our adventures, we never once kissed each other on the lips. In fact, we did little more than touch hands, and always in secret. We would sit together and interlink fingers, passing energy back and forth and sharing the heat we each produced. We would curl up in couches and fall asleep to the sounds of the desert. All in all, he showed me that love can be had without physical signs of such.

He taught me that sometimes, love takes the form of running a half-mile down the hill to camp at sunset, racing the moon to make sure that the boy you love more than life itself is calm, cool, collected and comfortable. We shared a closeness that I have found to echo in my continued friendships since my departure back to Omaha. Sometimes a kiss is overrated.

I'm not religious, but saying you're spiritual is annoying

Somehow the "power of positive thinking" has come up a lot today. Depending on who you ask I'm a pessimist (friends, family), realist (me), or optimist (lots of my coworkers). I've been trying to approach my life with a more positive attitude, but not overly optimistic, because that's foolish. I guess what I'm really trying to do is apply a pseudo-Daoist outlook.

You have to know that my only real exposure to Daoism is The Tao of Pooh and the internet. Mainly The Tao of Pooh. It's a great read if you haven't had the chance before.

So what I've taken from my minimal research is to just chill out and go with the flow. Which is pretty much the opposite of my factory settings. I'm very high strung and have an anxiety disorder, so it's a battle for me to just take a deep breath and relax.

It can really put a different spin on things though. For example, I locked my keys in my car today at work. This is something I used to do a lot, so I usually triple check that my keys are in my purse before I get out of my car. Today I did not (obviously). Instead of freaking out I thought about it, decided I probably needed a reminder to not rest on my laurels on the key checking thing, called AAA, and got it taken care of quickly. It also led me to remembering an errand I meant to run yesterday, so I got that done after AAA got me back in. Instead of freaking out and deciding the universe was out to get me, I put a slightly more positive spin on it and didn't have my night ruined.

I also try to apply this at work. Things are always going to hell at my job and I'm usually already behind the second I walk in the door. But I've taken the attitude of "work is work" and just accepting that I'll always have something to do and I don't need to freak out if I'm not where I want to be at the moment.

Driving is another big one. Rushing doesn't really get you anywhere that much faster. I rarely speed (okay I usually speed, but not more than 5 miles over and my speedometer is inaccurate by about that much), I slow down to let people merge in front of me, and I actually do what you're supposed to do at yellow lights. It makes my 40-mile round trip journey to work every day a lot less stressful.

I think the only other random piece from a religion I want to talk about is meditation. Which isn't really religious, but specifically aligning chakras. I think it's probably a bunch of bull, but when meditating to align your chakras you focus on specific problems or whatever you may be having, which is helpful. It's also weird that the chakras pretty much all line up to important nerve clusters. And you can feel a release when you're doing it right, but that's probably all in my head.





Well that's it for this random post that I pounded out to keep up the habit of posting almost every day. It's far too easy to fall back into slacker ways.

Soundtrack : The Awesomest XMAS Evar

I love music. I try to spend my entire life with a soundtrack of some sort nearby. I consider myself an intense audiophile. As such, i didn't want Katrina to get all the glory with her Christmas song suggestions. Enclosed below you will find five songs that I think everybody should include in their merry-making for the season. cheese.

Relient K's Sleigh Ride

I fell in love with this song several years ago. I was talking to a kid named Zack who lvoed Relient K. We would trade songs and he sent this one. I fell in love with the song, and later found the video. It was a great addition to my annual Holiday celebrations.

Glee's Baby, It's Cold Outside

i already loved this song long ago. The movie Elf made me see this song for it's purity and beauty. Then, who should do a cover, but the glorious it-couple, Blaine and Kurt from Glee. Their voices mesh very well, and there is a distinct air of chemistry in the song itself. I've always liked hearing traditional MF duets performed by two men, it adds a whole new level to the song itself.

Jay Brannan's Christmas Really Sucks

Ok, it's not exactly a christmas song, it's more a song that includes Christmas in the title and lyrics. Jay Brannan was the voice of my personal soundtrack for about 9 months last year, and early this year. His voice has a rare quality that makes even sadness sound beautiful.

Coke & Walmart's Extended Family

If you aren't a troll living in a cave and have been to the movies during the Holiday Season at all, you've heard this song, or seen this commercial. I actually have the mp3, and love it to death. It's light-hearted, short and full of energy. it perks me up and puts me in the xmas mood everytime.

Ertha Kitt's Santa Baby.

C'mon! It's CAT WOMAN! She's singing about the bomb ass shit she wants for Christmas. The whole time giving mad face the whole time. On top of it, she's looking seventeen different kinds of fierce too. Love the crazy eyes!

So there you have it. My picks for excellent xmas music. I have the MP3s for all five songs, and would be more than happy to share them with anybody who wants them. I am more than happy to spread the holiday joy!

Gleecap : S02E09

Special Education.

My gleecap for this week actually begins 18 minutes prior to the episode airing. I realized that one of the key points in getting the music before most other people is that while I get to enjoy it for an extra day or two, or three, I also have the unfortunate side-effect to extra anticipation. For those who don't know, I have friends in another country who send me mp3s of most of the music before it is officially released in the United States. Don't judge me. I like my GLEE dammit, and I need my fix as early as is humanly possible. This week was no exception, except that I got the Warblers' song only last night. Regardless, settling in against the twin-sized bed that has taken residence in my living room, I nestled under a blanket in preparation for the awesomeness that is Glee. 

First thing: I am clueless about this title. Is Ryan Murphy just naming things to confuse the shit out of people at this point? I wanted some Becky Jackson, or some Jean, but no. I didn't even get any Sue this week. I knew it was going to be Sectionals, it needed to happen prior to the mid-season break, which happens after next week's episode, by the by. Mark your calendars. If the one week pauses gave you heart palpitations, you might want to have a doctor on standby when I say that we are to be gleeless from December 6th till February 6th. Yeah. No joke. It's like somebody is working really hard to break my heart lately. 

Anyway, we open to Schu placing two house tickets to Sectionals in front of Emma. He invites her, saying she's the good luck charm for Sectionals. Which is kind of gaytarded considering as how this is only their second showing at Sectionals, and obviously, it wasn't too big of a deal the first time, except that it cancelled her wedding, and led to all kinds of crazy that we all know about very well. Will is excited to be taking Emma as his +1, and she is excited to call him a predictable douchetool. She spends the next few minutes essentially telling him that he lacks originality and needs to give other people the chance to shine. This amuses me because my roommate, Kaka, was just saying what a shocker it was that Finn and Rachel were the first two people out during the wedding episode. What a surprise right? IKR.

Somehow the ocd girl manages to make Will actually think for once, instead of let the product in his hair seep into his brain, and he decides to change things up at Sectionals. Sharing this revelation with Glee Club, he informs Rachel, who fails at life, that she and Finn won't be opening the Sectionals set. Instead Ken & Barbie (see also: Quinn and Sam) will be heading things up as they won the duet competition a few weeks ago. If you don't remember that bit, just know that Rachel and Finn threw the competition. Kurt should have won and was cheated because nobody recognizes his superiority. After a number of reaction shots, and something about Other Asian and Brittany being in a dance number, we spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the fact that Will Schuester is incapable of tying a tie correctly.

Maybe it's just me, but my ties fit me. While I love the outfit, Schu, it's not regulation for any school I've ever been in. ever. Seriously. You look like an A&F model, which is appreciated, don't get me wrong, just highly unrealistic. Not to mention that every male on this show suffers from what I'd like to call Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome. none of their shirts fit correctly. They all look like they're going to burst out at any second in the chesticular region. That would be the region with the rippling pectorals. Oh, btdubs, special thanks to Fox 41 for providing these screenshots that I most certainly did not take on my computer after illegally downloading the episode via torrent. Remember kids, pirating is theft. You wouldn't steal a purse.  *The More You Know*

Continuing the previous scene that I just plain stopped paying attention to, we get the weekly hobbit joke from Santana which of course pisses off Rachel. Show of hands, who didn't see that coming? Nobody. End of story. As if making her time of the month come early wasn't enough for Santana, she goes ahead and tells Rachel that she fucked Finn last season. Again, if you missed that episode, it's about all you missed. Except for Johnathan Groff looking fine as hell for like six episodes of sexytimes. This leads to a cut.

Our heroine, Kurt, having abandoned his fellow gleeclubbers for Dalton Academy is getting dressed in his DA uniform. He looks stunning, as we all knew he would. Though, he seems to have this pin thing... See it there? It's a zebra head. At first, I thought it was a school mascot or something. No. No. This is just something Kurt has added to his uniform to stand out a bit. Big surprise right? Oh, to top it off, the pin changes sides on his suit-jacket at least seven times in the following scene as he is inducted into the Dalton Academy Glee Club, known also as The Warblers. He meets their governing body, The Council, and his ideas are immediately shot down, much like that poor miniature zebra he mounted on his lapel. Seriously, who the fuck wears a tiny zebra head? I'm so confused right now. He gets a bird to take care of, and he cracks some truly bad jokes while failing at giving high-fives. There is something about him that seems unnaturally stiff and awkward this episode. I understand him attempting to adapt, but really... it seems a bit forced to me. Time constraints FTL?

CUT! Guess who is suddenly doing her job as a school counselor! It's Emma Pillsbury. Seriously, this is the first time I've seen her counseling a student in several episodes. I was starting to think she'd taken a different job at the school that involved her looking pretty in her outrageous outfits, and just staring off into space while making out with Dr. Stamos on her desk. Oh, I'm sorry, did you forget that Emma is dating John Stamos? He has a different name, Ken, George, Bill, IDK. He's John Stamos in my book, no matter who he's playing. Sometimes he's Uncle Jesse, but only sometimes. Shut up. Don't judge me. You watched Full House too, dammit. As I was saying, Emma is counseling Rachel & Finn about their relationship issues. It's all pretty boring, because we all know how this is going to end. Rachel is going to storm out, and do something stupid, then tell everyone about it, and cause turmoil. It's what she does. Did you not see Sectionals last year? Same story.

We soon find Brittany standing in the corner of her second period class, and we learn that she's scared of fucking up at competition. So what does the best boyfriend in the world do? He gives her a fucking magic comb! YEAH! A magic comb that guarantees win when you've combed your hair with it. I'll take twelve please. Have I mentioned how much I adore Brittany lately. She was good for a few laughs in the first season, but as this season has progressed, she has become the most human out of all the characters on Glee. I feel nothing but sorrow for her.

After a word from our sponsors, we return to find Puck and Schu sitting in a mystery office, he says something not interesting, and then the other says something not interesting and then they both sort of say the same not interesting thing. Long story made short: Puck needs to find a new member for the glee club. After a quick check-in with our resident homos, Kurt and Blaine, where we learn that Kurt is getting the chance to audition for a solo, returning to the WMHS locker room, we find Puck trying to drum up guys for glee club. This of course leads to a fist fight, in the center of which we find Puck. Is it just me or are they seriously just copy-pasting the script from last season's Sectionals episode? Seriously, go watch it, I did. The parallels are outrageous.

This cuts to the glee room, where Brittany suggests throwing opossums at the opposing teams if they lose. Rachel walks in wearing the latest fall fashions from ... Abu Dhabi? She's got on a bunny sweater and what I've dubbed NO H8 TAPE. This is her form of needlessly loud protest. She kind of fails at a silent protest because she loves the sound of her own voice and she's all kinds of butthurt because Finn fucked Santana.

Enter Lauren Zizes and Noah Puckermann. We learn through flashbacks that Noah was locked in a porta-potty, and that Lauren saved him from his stinky stinky fate. As such she was invited to join Glee Club. Her price? A carton of Cadburry Eggs, and seven minutes in heaven with Puck. She rocked his world. Their words, not mine. Can I just say, CALLED IT BITCHES. That said, moving onward, Santana does something cunty, and Rachel fights back by taking Puck's arm. We'll learn later that they went to mack on Rachel's Holly Hobby bed, but that's all they did. Lame sauce. I was hoping for some Puckleberry action.

Cutting to the hallway, Tina, dressed like a zombie cheerleader corpse, tries to convince Artie that Other Asian and Brittany are cheating on them with each other. Artie denies it, and sticks by his girl, but like every time somebody opens their mouth with their dumb ideas, that shit sticks with you. I'm guilty of this too, every time somebody suggests something my head immediately takes it to the dark place where everybody except me is psychic and they're all keeping secrets from me. Bastards. It was in this scene that I recall that Mike, aka Other Asian is in fact a footballer. I don't know why I spaced this out. Even last episode It just didn't register until Tina JUST said something. I keep forgetting that he was with Shaft in the previous season. This cuts, FINALLY, to Kurt & Rachel in the WMHS auditorium. Where they discuss Kurt's solo audition.
They decide on Don't Cry For Me Argentina. A great song that I personally was disappointed didn't make it into the Madonna episode. I assumed they'd do a Simpsonsesque throwup to Evita at some point, so I wasn't too worried. While we didn't get it this time around, we did get another diva-off style sequence with Kurt and Rachel singing the same song. Thank GOD they released two versions of the song this time. I absolutely HATED Defying Gravity last year. It was so annoying listening to both voices perform that song in a duet style. If you haven't already, download the Kurt version. His is infinitely better. We get to have some truly fantastic backhanded compliments from Kurt to Rachel, which is always a bonus. I'd have to say that my favorite moment from the audition for Kurt would have to be when he

was just about to start lifting his arms to hit a high note, and looking to Blaine, he get's the 'tone it down Latifah' motion. You can see said motion to the right. Once again, Darren Criss and Chris Colfer have a unique palpable chemistry on screen that is too amazing to deny. They're both shining stars this season, and I'm happy to be part of their key demographic. There is a needless amount of eye contact going on that brings a warmth and realism to the number that makes me really genuinely proud of Kurt. When interspersed with humorous looks from the other Warblers, I'm all in all rather satisfied with the way this story-line is playing out. I will say that my one complaint is the lack of direction that I see in the Dalton Academy story-arc. I'm hoping things become clearer in the first part of the second half of the season. 

Now onto me bitching. Didn't their funding get cut? Wasn't Will's BIGGEST concern funding for transport to/from sectionals, regionals and nationals? Wasn't this the object of an entire episode last year? Oh, we're just gonna cover that up and sweep it under the rug as they get into the handicapable bus and Emma shows up wearing an oversized green coat? Ok then. Emma and Will have a conversation about Ken, oh did I say Ken, I meant Carl, the dentist. it might as well be Ken, because parallel lines keep showing up all over the damn place. She pulls out of attending Sectionals, which kind of makes Will look all kinds of butthurt. I swear, if I didn't know better, he was being raped by Dustin right at that moment. 

I will let him slide though, because of this face. Not to mention the fact that this tie, suit, scarf combo was to die for. Emma didn't look horrible, but still, damn Mr. Schu, way to look sharper than cheddar! This was a commercial break if I remember correctly, and while watching a horrible preview of Yogi Bear with the sound muted, I started making predictions on what will happen in the near future. I see Kurt leaving Dalton before Regionals. I also see Kurt dragging along Blaine. Just because I see it doesn't mean it will happen. I know that it would definitely add to the story. Likewise, If the two schools compete at Regionals, New Directions will win. Kurt will have definitely transferred back to WMHS by the time Nationals rolls around. I know for a fact that Darren Criss has a contract for next season, so he's going to stick around somehow.

Sectionals starts with the Warblers, seen to the right. They sing a song. It lasts like thirteen seconds. I'm so not kidding you. I blinked and missed the whole thing. Aside from the correlation to the School for the Deaf, there is nothing worthwhile to note about this performance. They needed a third school to compete in Sectionals. That's about all this amounted to. There is a break, prior to the beginning of the competition where we see Kurt and Rachel bond, and there is a brief discussion about Rachel/Finn's relationship. It was at this point that I foretold a break up at Rachel's hands. It happened last year at Sectionals thanks to her. It's only fair that it happen again. 

The Warblers perform Hey Soul Sister wonderfully. The full studio version is much better, but the 2-minute version is nothing to scoff at. Kurt plays his role very well. he looks worried, confused and paralyzed. He is not happy at Dalton and definitely misses his friends at WMHS. He spends the entire number connecting with Rachel in the audience, who even goes so far as to offer the advice to FUCKING SMILE. What was it they said about a good show face last season? "I want a look so optimistic it could cure cancer."

Shit goes to hell in the Green Room. At first I was going to say that it was unrealistic that everything would come crashing down so suddenly, but then I thought back on my life and realized that when the shit starts to come down, the shit starts to motherfucking pour.While watching this scene, I said to myself, audibly, "Best Green room EVAR!" and sho' nuff, Lauren makes the exact quote not three seconds after I say it. During the breakdown, there are all kinds of accusations being thrown around. Artie says that he hopes they're judged on dancing and adultery because Brittany is aces at both. She looks all sadpuppy, like when she pushed the meatball across the plate. Which, by the way was the SADDEST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Not even the death of the first Jew at Auschwitz was sadder. Ok, maybe it was a little sadder, but only a little bit. I am so going to get hit by every Jewish person I know. Fuck.

Anyway, Will gets his yell on and tells everybody to make the most out of their six minutes on stage. WOAH! Shut the front door! Six-minute sets? Are you kidding me? I think not. Will  somebody please remind me how long the River Medley was for North High's Explosion? I believe it lingered in the 20 minute category. I've definitely performed in show choirs that had sets that went for up to 45 minutes. Hell. I once performed the entirety of Handel's Messiah without leaving the stage, not even for an intermission. So, yeah, fuck you New Directions. Six minutes. Are you kidding me? Why I oughtta....

So, Schu's yelling worked, and the entire cast meets backstage to prep. Wheels and Brittany have a heart to heart where she confesses to losing Artie's magic comb at Motocross Practice. She thought adultery had something to do with being a dolt. I effing loved it. Funniest line of the episode goes to Lauren who said, "I'm not nervous. You know why? because showchoir sucks." I swear to God, I fell on the floor laughing so hard that I didn't even have time to write the line down in my handy dandy notebook. Extra points to anybody who can tell me where that line comes from. Returning to the reason we're all here, Quinn and Sam prepare for their big entrance. As Sam walks in, everybody turns as if they're shocked and surprised. I feel like, at this point, all programs should list the fact that New Directions will enter from the rear for maximum effect. Sam struts while singing the opening lines to The Time of My Life, and points to the other door, where Barbie enters, wearing the ugliest costume I've ever seen, and it's accented by a creepy goth bow of death. I feel like Tina had a hand in creating these costumes. The bow seems out of place and a little too off-kilter for my tastes. Then again, I'm not the costume director. If I was, the boys would all be shirtless AMIRITE?!

Speaking of shirts. Remember that Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome I was talking about? It makes a return, please note that, aside from monkey-face, and what appears to be an intense haircut that nobody thought we'd notice, Ken is wearing a shirt that fails in the button department. I swear, Express makes shirts that look good and fit at the same time, you can even order a specific style that has tighter arms so your muscles bulge really big-like. I'm not joking. I own two of them. Shut you faces, and don't judge me. Fat boys need to look good wherever possible, and if that means getting overpriced shirts that fit me perfectly, then so be it. You'd do it too if you knew where to buy them, and now you do.

After this song of failed ass, sorry it really was poorly performed and blocked. I was just unsatisfied. Had it not been for the perfectly logical plot reason, I would have preferred that Finn and Rachel sing it, or that we get to see Lauren Zizes' singing voice, instead of just being distracted by her tits for ten minutes. Anyway, I lost track of myself, after the song, Santana dons a tiny hat with feathers and a veil to sing Valerie while Mike and Brittany do some dancing that they ripped off from the Vocal Adrenaline performance at Regionals. Don't believe me? Go watch Regionals. Legit. Stolen. Straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever)

They get a standing ovation, which was entirely undeserved. At this point, I texted my fiends and told them all that if New Directions won I was going to be livid. The whole crew assembles on stage and the best judge ever announces that The Hipsters have failed, and that there is a fucking tie. WHAT A COP-OUT! I hate ties. Seriously. There should have been a tie-breaker song. Oh yeah, extra points of Awesome to anybody who can name this actor.

Going back to school some shit happens. Specifically, we find out that this year, during Sectionals, Emma actually got married. Legit. Like ring and all. She seems thrilled, and Will seems kind of butthurt. I seem disinterested. I didn't care about her storyline for at least the last three weeks, I don't care about it now. in fact, I don't care about much of anything after this point. In 3 minutes everybody makes up, except for Finn & Rachel who break up. Like I said, Rachel likes to say shit that gets couples broke up. I didn't like the closing song of the episode. It was over-produced, and needlessly auto-tuned. During the song, we cut to scenes of Rachel pulling down her Finn & Rachel 4EVER stuff from her locker, including the creepiest calendar I've ever seen, I'll post a picture at the end, I can't distract from my predictions/wrapup.

All in all, the episode was a success. I've included a few more stills from the episode for your amusement and entertainment. I wasn't thrilled with some pieces, but it had great pacing, and a nice balance of plot and music. Next week is our Christmas episode, and people will probably bitch and moan about the lack of plot. It's a fucking Christmas Special though, so I won't be complaining. It's meant for music and music alone.

As for predictions: Will is going to get some booty in the next episode. Kurt and Blaine will heat things up a bit. Brittany, in all her glory will be the center of the next episode. Santana is going to continue fading into the background. It is interesting to note that Lauren Zizes took part in the final song of the episode, suggesting that she will probably be in for a while. I'll be interested to see how they make that work with Kurt coming back eventually. I'd like to see more people in Glee, but I'm wary because that means people will have to leave. The show doesn't work with a larger ensemble cast. I'm sure next episode will be filled with delight from all the Whos in Whoville, as well as merriment from our neighborhood Grinch, Sue Sylvester.

Emma shows off the ring.

Emma hugging Stamos and giving the 'FML' face

Crazy-eyes Will, and Darren Criss looking into the camera. Also creeper guy in a bad shirt

THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS CALENDAR EVER.

More crazy eyes as Rachel tells Kurt to smile. Puck looks butthurt.

Emma's oversized coatsweater.

Some sort of weird face thing that Blaine did mid-song. It scared me.