Clerks

Death to Duct-Tape

"Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame."

As I'm sure you've guessed, I work at a local Netflix hub. I have to first and foremost admit that due to a number of NDAs, I can't share too much about any of the things I do to make money. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get bitched at for the post I'm about to write. While reading said post, remember that this is a personal blog, and the views expressed, while logical, and generally agreed upon by employees of your local hubs,are my own and in no way reflect the official stance, practices, and observations of Netflix INC it's parent companies or subsidiaries. That said, I hate at least 40% of the people who have a Netflix account in the Omaha Metro Area, or the Sioux Falls, SD area, or the Sioux City, IA Metro Area.

112,000. That is the approximate number of DVDs that are sent into the Omaha hub ever week. The hub is active and running six days a week. In a given week, I process approximately 12,000 of those DVDs. Processing DVDs is actually a very Zen activity most of the time. I return anywhere from 530 to 600 DVDs in a given hour and, on average, work between 18 and 24 hours a week. Of the 500+ DVDs I deal with in an hour, at least 100 of them piss me off. Another 50 REALLY piss me off. Then, another 25-50 make me want to kill you. For the most part, I'm a good sport about it. I laugh it off, and continue about my work.

Lately though, things have become more and more outrageous. From disks that are written-on with sharpies, to people and their bitchy notes, I am becoming more and more annoyed with the people in my city and the surrounding area. If you're a blogbuddy, which is my new name for people who read my blog on the regular, you will have seen my Netflix Damage Flow Chart not too long ago.

Generally, my complaints fall into one of three categories. First: Discs misaligned. Second: Bitchy notes. Third: Bad decisions.

Misaligned discs are discs that have been put into their sleeve facing the wrong direction. I know, I know a minor annoyance, but when your job is based entirely upon speed and accuracy, having all of your discs facing the same, correct direction saves anywhere from 2 to 4 seconds per disc. On top of that, you get the discs facing forward when they show up to you, so why not return the favor? Misaligned discs also cover the category of sleeves which have been placed into the envelope upside-down, or backwards. Every envelope has a little window cut into it. This window is where the big barcode should go. It's where the barcode goes when you get the envelope too. It's super easy. I promise. This again shaves anywhere from 1 to 3 second off of the processing time of the disc. The best way to solve this? Put your disc facing forward, and put the sleeve where it belongs.

Bitchy notes are probably the funniest of the things I have to put up with. They range from very simple notes letting us know that there is a broken disc in the sleeve, or  that they've put multiple discs in the sleeve itself. I can round this out very simply. Your notes are not needed. Your notes are not wanted. Your notes are not appreciated. Your notes create excess work for me and the other employees. Work that can be avoided at 4 o'clock in the morning by you not being retarded. Here's the deal. You get the disc in the sleeve, in the envelope. The envelope reads, clear as day, "Please do not insert anything other than DVD & sleeve in mailer. To report a problem, visit www.netflix.com/help" Do you understand those words? I sure hope you do. Aside from the obvious  fact that you have at least a basic knowledge of the internet, considering the fact that you signed up for an account online and add movies to your queue and rate said movies etc... writing a note is just passive-aggressive and obnoxious. If you'd already submitted the problem online, then the computer that sorts our DVDs will catch the disc and spit it out for a Quality Check. If you didn't report the problem, then if there is noticeable damage, one of us will catch it during the return process.

Other notes that piss me off are notes along the lines of the following. Let me make this very clear that these are exact quotes from notes I received TODAY.

"Cancel my account, I'm not home enough to use it."
"Add Appaloosa to my cue[sic]."
"Send me another copy of this DVD"
"Chapter 3 skips, there are fingerprints on the disc"
"This disc skipped. I want a credit on my acct."
"This movie was disgusting. I want my money back"

1, 2, 3, 4 : These are issues that can be automated online.
5 & 6 : These can be dealt with online, or addressed over the phone with Customer Service.

Either way, sending your notes only make us annoyed with you. In fact, we dedicate a portion of our breaks to making fun of people and the notes they've sent in. So, aside from being douchey, you're being made fun of and people don't like you.

Finally, we have Bad Decisions. Let me give you some examples. You know that sleeve taht you spilled coffee on, then sent through the shredder, and caught half-way through? Don't send it to me. It's useless. You know how you like to put your DVDs on the coffee table, where the dog likes to get a hold of them and chew them? Yeah, don't do that either. You know how you give you kid crayons and they colour all over the sleeve? Annoying. Oh yeah, remember that one time when you stapled the mailer closed? Don't fucking do that again. Staples are the bane of my existence. I could write an entire post about staples and the woes they cause me. While on the subject of alternative envelope-sealing mechanisms, don't use tape. Don't use duct tape. Don't use scotch tape. Don't use electrical tape. If you absolutely MUST use tape, use gaffers tape, maybe masking tape. DON'T USE GLUE!

Other bad decisions would include putting more than two discs into a sleeve, and more than two discs in an envelope. Seriously. if I get one more envelope with 6+ discs in it, I'll scream. Legit. SCREAM. more than three discs causes so much stress on the mailer, and increases the chances of a disc breaking en-route. Envelopes don't take up much space. You can keep them, I promise.

Other bad decisions would be putting the wrong disc in a sleeve. I can understand putting multiple discs in, sometimes shit happens. Today though, I got a mailer with eight discs in it. All eight discs were in one sleeve. NONE OF THEM WERE THE DISC FOR THAT SLEEVE! Seriously. If you know that the disc you're putting in is broken or wrong, do me a favour, put a big black X on the sleeve. It would save me about a million years in wasted time.

These things said, I appreciate those of you who don't fail at life. I love and adore people who use their mailers as canvases and showcase art for us to enjoy and share with our fellow employees. I love people who put their DVDs in the sleeve facing the right way, and the sleeve in the envelope facing correctly, without notes, or piss-stains.

Hell, I didn't even touch on people who smoke eight packs a day and infuse their sleeves and mailers with the stench of their cancer. I didn't even bring up the people who leave food in their mailer either!Consider yourselves lucky that I didn't mention the staggering amount of porn people 'accidentally' send in to Netflix. Or the number of people who put their personal DVDs into their Netflix mailers, or their game discs. OR their blockbuster discs. Seriously, people who have both Blockbuster Online and Netflix accounts somehow mix the two up.

I swear all it takes is a teeny tiny bit of common sense, and we can all be happy people. I promises.