Paper Man

"Are we unhappy? Or are we just pretending to be unhappy?" -- Richard Dunn

 Pretentious Asshats, check. Ignorant Douche-Bags, check. Intelli-Cunts, check. Three down. Two more to go. If you bothered to read my blog post yesterday, you'll possibly, though not probably, remember that I said this post would be about Historically Inaccurate Exes. really, though I have decided to relabel it as Anachronistic Exes. I suppose an expansion of this could be made which includes current romantic partners as well. Realistically though, I haven't had much experience with current romantic interests. I just realized though that I didn't define these people just yet. Forgive me. I should do that. My brain hasn't been making the sense it should be as of late, so I should probably offer definition first, then go on a lengthy rant about them.

Alice in Wonderland

"Well, after this, I should think nothing of falling down stairs." -- Alice 

Did you ever wake up one morning and realize that everything was changing all at once and without adequate warning or provocation? This is happening to me right now. Suddenly, I am Alice, falling down the rabbit hole, destination unknown. I find myself in this midway point where nothing makes any sense. There is no gravity, so I can't find a place to cetner, ground or focus myself. The walls are blurred and vague so I can't even get a bearing to find out which direction I'm going, for all I know, I'm going to land any day now and find that I've turned up in some mysterious land where up is down and in is under. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll end up with a smart-assed cat as a tour-guide. He'll speak in riddles and the people I meet will be essential to my ongoing development, and eventual acceptance of my fate.

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in The Hat

Fulview is essential in this situation.

"It's a thing-thing, you wouldn't understand." -- The Cat 

 First. Stop. Click on that picture. Read it. The guy in the black is me. The other two are every couple I know. I'm not joking. It is EVERY couple I know. My mom and Clay, that couple. Kaka and Chris, that couple. Kaka and her previous boyfriend, Adam, that couple. Gina and Jake, that couple. Anne and Chris, that couple. My grandparents, that couple. I could go on. The thing is, I am never a part of that couple. Not because I'm never part of a couple, but because I'm never that disgusting in a relationship. I'm never a part of the cute, adorable, lovey-dovey couple that spends their weekends at B&Bs, or can't be seen without being wrapped in each other's arms. More importantly, I have never been in part of one of those relationships. I hate it.

Juno

"No, It's Morgan Freeman, do you have any bones that need collected?" -- Juno

This quote has nothing to do with this blog post. It just happens to be my favorite quote from the movie. A more appropriate quote would be, "It makes his junk smell like pie." Not for the obvious reasons, because I'm subtle and do what I can to make people think about the things I say. In case you didn't know, this blog post is about how I experience attraction in threes. In fact, I experience a lot of things in threes, specifically any interpersonal relationships I've had have occurred, or developed, in threes. I privately call it my 'echo'. You see, when I was very young, I had three very close friends, and as such, I have continued this trend and have always had three very close friends at any given time. Three people that have always mattered the most to me. On top of that, my adventures in dating and attraction have always happened in threes as well. I don't know what happened to cause this, but every time I meet a great guy, I meet two more great people at the same time. Eventually, that dwindles down to one, but it never happens gradually. Suddenly, two of them will do something that drops them out of the running.

Enchanted

"i don't know if I'll make it through today, let alone a lifetime. That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's complicated." -- Robert

Good morning. First and foremost, I'd like to thank some of my coworkers for reminding me that this is a blog post I've been wanting to write for a while. Second, I hope you're all enjoying your new year thus far. My resolutions seem to be going well enough, I have been pretty careful to watch myself. Granted, I only made the resolutions themselves yesterday, but still, one day, is a day nonetheless. Anyway, earlier today, a coworker of mine, Gihan, inquired about my religious leanings. This came about because he recently added me as a friend on facebook; as many coworkers have recently, and that resulted in him seeing that I list my religious affiliation as Theravada Buddhist. He happens to be Buddhist himself, which led to a brief conversation about religious practices, including meditation. It should come as no surprise that even before studying the three jewels, four noble truths, the eight-fold path and so on and so forth, I was heavy into meditation as a relaxation technique and a method of centering myself, my energies and, as Guru Pathik would say, align my chakras! (note: in order to read that last portion correctly, you must have seen the entirety of Avatar, and loved it.)

Whip It

"We deserve better villains." -- Bliss Cavendar

First and foremost, welcome to the New Year ladies & gentlemen! Did you miss me? Did you miss us? Sure you did. You have been gazing intently at facebook waiting ever-impatiently for either Kaka or I to give your lives meaning in this New Year by updating our blog and giving you something to do with yourselves. Either that, or you're bored shitless and you wanna know what's up. Well, are you in for a treat, sir, or ma'am! I am here to tell you the tale of my New Years celebration and to recount my adventures in sickland.

The Bourne Identity

"How could I forget about you? You're the only person I know." -- Jason Bourne

I had a great night last night. I want to get that out of the way. I got to spend several hours, albeit while work-ill, with people who made my life a lot better just by being in it for a brief period of time. I don't think I've had so much fun sans alcohol in many many years. So, to Corey, Kayce, Carly, Kaka, Grant, Gina, Karrie, Chris and Leanna, thank you very much for making me genuinely happy for a brief period of time. That said, this is actually the continuation and conclusion of my three-part series on my Needs, Wants and Do Not Wants with regards to a relationship. Part one can be found [here] and part two can be found [here]. If you're too lazy to go check them out, Identified Needs are: Long-term Love, Above-average Aptitude and Physical Proximity. Identified Wants are: Geek Goggles, Self-Actualized Sentience, and  Appropriate Age. This post is intended to examine the things I don't want in a relationship.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

"The very worst poetry in the universe was written by one Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Thankfully it was destroyed when the earth was." -- The Book.

Continuing my three-part series on my Needs, Wants and Do-Not-Wants with regard to relationshippy goodness, I spent most of my morning at work in deep discussion with myself. If you read my post, entitled Latter Days, yesterday, or today, you'll likely remember that I identified three needs in a potential relationship. I should clarify, since it was brought up to me, that I acknowledge that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. I should also note that anybody who says this is a sodding idiot who obviously doesn't understand the human heart, or the ways in which people interact. While I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, there are other aspects to a relationship which add, or detract from the dynamic. So if you're one of those douche bags, go away, before I kick you and throw sticks at your face. That said, let us continue, shall we?

Latter Days

"We're colors and whites, we don't mix." -- Elder Aaron Davis 

Jakob B, Aaron M, Nathan R, Chad G, Stephen H and Nathan B. These are the people I've dated in reverse order. I like to write blog posts about the boys I have kissed because they give the opportunity to look back and use hindsight, which we know to be 20/20, to comprehend the effect the kisses have had on my personal development. You'll notice though that I haven't mentioned anything that has happened since late 2006. I have trouble looking at my recent mistakes, and lately, it seems as though the last four years have been one monumental mistake. It's been the root of some mild depression and other problems. I've found myself staying up all night long mulling over the past four years of relationships, and trying to figure out why each of them failed. It's frustrating, because what I want most of all is to fall in love, and find somebody with whom I can build a life. . . Somebody who i can do laundry with. Strangely, Stephen and Aaron were the closest to this paradigm.

Gleecap : S02E09

Special Education.

My gleecap for this week actually begins 18 minutes prior to the episode airing. I realized that one of the key points in getting the music before most other people is that while I get to enjoy it for an extra day or two, or three, I also have the unfortunate side-effect to extra anticipation. For those who don't know, I have friends in another country who send me mp3s of most of the music before it is officially released in the United States. Don't judge me. I like my GLEE dammit, and I need my fix as early as is humanly possible. This week was no exception, except that I got the Warblers' song only last night. Regardless, settling in against the twin-sized bed that has taken residence in my living room, I nestled under a blanket in preparation for the awesomeness that is Glee. 

First thing: I am clueless about this title. Is Ryan Murphy just naming things to confuse the shit out of people at this point? I wanted some Becky Jackson, or some Jean, but no. I didn't even get any Sue this week. I knew it was going to be Sectionals, it needed to happen prior to the mid-season break, which happens after next week's episode, by the by. Mark your calendars. If the one week pauses gave you heart palpitations, you might want to have a doctor on standby when I say that we are to be gleeless from December 6th till February 6th. Yeah. No joke. It's like somebody is working really hard to break my heart lately. 

Anyway, we open to Schu placing two house tickets to Sectionals in front of Emma. He invites her, saying she's the good luck charm for Sectionals. Which is kind of gaytarded considering as how this is only their second showing at Sectionals, and obviously, it wasn't too big of a deal the first time, except that it cancelled her wedding, and led to all kinds of crazy that we all know about very well. Will is excited to be taking Emma as his +1, and she is excited to call him a predictable douchetool. She spends the next few minutes essentially telling him that he lacks originality and needs to give other people the chance to shine. This amuses me because my roommate, Kaka, was just saying what a shocker it was that Finn and Rachel were the first two people out during the wedding episode. What a surprise right? IKR.

Somehow the ocd girl manages to make Will actually think for once, instead of let the product in his hair seep into his brain, and he decides to change things up at Sectionals. Sharing this revelation with Glee Club, he informs Rachel, who fails at life, that she and Finn won't be opening the Sectionals set. Instead Ken & Barbie (see also: Quinn and Sam) will be heading things up as they won the duet competition a few weeks ago. If you don't remember that bit, just know that Rachel and Finn threw the competition. Kurt should have won and was cheated because nobody recognizes his superiority. After a number of reaction shots, and something about Other Asian and Brittany being in a dance number, we spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the fact that Will Schuester is incapable of tying a tie correctly.

Maybe it's just me, but my ties fit me. While I love the outfit, Schu, it's not regulation for any school I've ever been in. ever. Seriously. You look like an A&F model, which is appreciated, don't get me wrong, just highly unrealistic. Not to mention that every male on this show suffers from what I'd like to call Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome. none of their shirts fit correctly. They all look like they're going to burst out at any second in the chesticular region. That would be the region with the rippling pectorals. Oh, btdubs, special thanks to Fox 41 for providing these screenshots that I most certainly did not take on my computer after illegally downloading the episode via torrent. Remember kids, pirating is theft. You wouldn't steal a purse.  *The More You Know*

Continuing the previous scene that I just plain stopped paying attention to, we get the weekly hobbit joke from Santana which of course pisses off Rachel. Show of hands, who didn't see that coming? Nobody. End of story. As if making her time of the month come early wasn't enough for Santana, she goes ahead and tells Rachel that she fucked Finn last season. Again, if you missed that episode, it's about all you missed. Except for Johnathan Groff looking fine as hell for like six episodes of sexytimes. This leads to a cut.

Our heroine, Kurt, having abandoned his fellow gleeclubbers for Dalton Academy is getting dressed in his DA uniform. He looks stunning, as we all knew he would. Though, he seems to have this pin thing... See it there? It's a zebra head. At first, I thought it was a school mascot or something. No. No. This is just something Kurt has added to his uniform to stand out a bit. Big surprise right? Oh, to top it off, the pin changes sides on his suit-jacket at least seven times in the following scene as he is inducted into the Dalton Academy Glee Club, known also as The Warblers. He meets their governing body, The Council, and his ideas are immediately shot down, much like that poor miniature zebra he mounted on his lapel. Seriously, who the fuck wears a tiny zebra head? I'm so confused right now. He gets a bird to take care of, and he cracks some truly bad jokes while failing at giving high-fives. There is something about him that seems unnaturally stiff and awkward this episode. I understand him attempting to adapt, but really... it seems a bit forced to me. Time constraints FTL?

CUT! Guess who is suddenly doing her job as a school counselor! It's Emma Pillsbury. Seriously, this is the first time I've seen her counseling a student in several episodes. I was starting to think she'd taken a different job at the school that involved her looking pretty in her outrageous outfits, and just staring off into space while making out with Dr. Stamos on her desk. Oh, I'm sorry, did you forget that Emma is dating John Stamos? He has a different name, Ken, George, Bill, IDK. He's John Stamos in my book, no matter who he's playing. Sometimes he's Uncle Jesse, but only sometimes. Shut up. Don't judge me. You watched Full House too, dammit. As I was saying, Emma is counseling Rachel & Finn about their relationship issues. It's all pretty boring, because we all know how this is going to end. Rachel is going to storm out, and do something stupid, then tell everyone about it, and cause turmoil. It's what she does. Did you not see Sectionals last year? Same story.

We soon find Brittany standing in the corner of her second period class, and we learn that she's scared of fucking up at competition. So what does the best boyfriend in the world do? He gives her a fucking magic comb! YEAH! A magic comb that guarantees win when you've combed your hair with it. I'll take twelve please. Have I mentioned how much I adore Brittany lately. She was good for a few laughs in the first season, but as this season has progressed, she has become the most human out of all the characters on Glee. I feel nothing but sorrow for her.

After a word from our sponsors, we return to find Puck and Schu sitting in a mystery office, he says something not interesting, and then the other says something not interesting and then they both sort of say the same not interesting thing. Long story made short: Puck needs to find a new member for the glee club. After a quick check-in with our resident homos, Kurt and Blaine, where we learn that Kurt is getting the chance to audition for a solo, returning to the WMHS locker room, we find Puck trying to drum up guys for glee club. This of course leads to a fist fight, in the center of which we find Puck. Is it just me or are they seriously just copy-pasting the script from last season's Sectionals episode? Seriously, go watch it, I did. The parallels are outrageous.

This cuts to the glee room, where Brittany suggests throwing opossums at the opposing teams if they lose. Rachel walks in wearing the latest fall fashions from ... Abu Dhabi? She's got on a bunny sweater and what I've dubbed NO H8 TAPE. This is her form of needlessly loud protest. She kind of fails at a silent protest because she loves the sound of her own voice and she's all kinds of butthurt because Finn fucked Santana.

Enter Lauren Zizes and Noah Puckermann. We learn through flashbacks that Noah was locked in a porta-potty, and that Lauren saved him from his stinky stinky fate. As such she was invited to join Glee Club. Her price? A carton of Cadburry Eggs, and seven minutes in heaven with Puck. She rocked his world. Their words, not mine. Can I just say, CALLED IT BITCHES. That said, moving onward, Santana does something cunty, and Rachel fights back by taking Puck's arm. We'll learn later that they went to mack on Rachel's Holly Hobby bed, but that's all they did. Lame sauce. I was hoping for some Puckleberry action.

Cutting to the hallway, Tina, dressed like a zombie cheerleader corpse, tries to convince Artie that Other Asian and Brittany are cheating on them with each other. Artie denies it, and sticks by his girl, but like every time somebody opens their mouth with their dumb ideas, that shit sticks with you. I'm guilty of this too, every time somebody suggests something my head immediately takes it to the dark place where everybody except me is psychic and they're all keeping secrets from me. Bastards. It was in this scene that I recall that Mike, aka Other Asian is in fact a footballer. I don't know why I spaced this out. Even last episode It just didn't register until Tina JUST said something. I keep forgetting that he was with Shaft in the previous season. This cuts, FINALLY, to Kurt & Rachel in the WMHS auditorium. Where they discuss Kurt's solo audition.
They decide on Don't Cry For Me Argentina. A great song that I personally was disappointed didn't make it into the Madonna episode. I assumed they'd do a Simpsonsesque throwup to Evita at some point, so I wasn't too worried. While we didn't get it this time around, we did get another diva-off style sequence with Kurt and Rachel singing the same song. Thank GOD they released two versions of the song this time. I absolutely HATED Defying Gravity last year. It was so annoying listening to both voices perform that song in a duet style. If you haven't already, download the Kurt version. His is infinitely better. We get to have some truly fantastic backhanded compliments from Kurt to Rachel, which is always a bonus. I'd have to say that my favorite moment from the audition for Kurt would have to be when he

was just about to start lifting his arms to hit a high note, and looking to Blaine, he get's the 'tone it down Latifah' motion. You can see said motion to the right. Once again, Darren Criss and Chris Colfer have a unique palpable chemistry on screen that is too amazing to deny. They're both shining stars this season, and I'm happy to be part of their key demographic. There is a needless amount of eye contact going on that brings a warmth and realism to the number that makes me really genuinely proud of Kurt. When interspersed with humorous looks from the other Warblers, I'm all in all rather satisfied with the way this story-line is playing out. I will say that my one complaint is the lack of direction that I see in the Dalton Academy story-arc. I'm hoping things become clearer in the first part of the second half of the season. 

Now onto me bitching. Didn't their funding get cut? Wasn't Will's BIGGEST concern funding for transport to/from sectionals, regionals and nationals? Wasn't this the object of an entire episode last year? Oh, we're just gonna cover that up and sweep it under the rug as they get into the handicapable bus and Emma shows up wearing an oversized green coat? Ok then. Emma and Will have a conversation about Ken, oh did I say Ken, I meant Carl, the dentist. it might as well be Ken, because parallel lines keep showing up all over the damn place. She pulls out of attending Sectionals, which kind of makes Will look all kinds of butthurt. I swear, if I didn't know better, he was being raped by Dustin right at that moment. 

I will let him slide though, because of this face. Not to mention the fact that this tie, suit, scarf combo was to die for. Emma didn't look horrible, but still, damn Mr. Schu, way to look sharper than cheddar! This was a commercial break if I remember correctly, and while watching a horrible preview of Yogi Bear with the sound muted, I started making predictions on what will happen in the near future. I see Kurt leaving Dalton before Regionals. I also see Kurt dragging along Blaine. Just because I see it doesn't mean it will happen. I know that it would definitely add to the story. Likewise, If the two schools compete at Regionals, New Directions will win. Kurt will have definitely transferred back to WMHS by the time Nationals rolls around. I know for a fact that Darren Criss has a contract for next season, so he's going to stick around somehow.

Sectionals starts with the Warblers, seen to the right. They sing a song. It lasts like thirteen seconds. I'm so not kidding you. I blinked and missed the whole thing. Aside from the correlation to the School for the Deaf, there is nothing worthwhile to note about this performance. They needed a third school to compete in Sectionals. That's about all this amounted to. There is a break, prior to the beginning of the competition where we see Kurt and Rachel bond, and there is a brief discussion about Rachel/Finn's relationship. It was at this point that I foretold a break up at Rachel's hands. It happened last year at Sectionals thanks to her. It's only fair that it happen again. 

The Warblers perform Hey Soul Sister wonderfully. The full studio version is much better, but the 2-minute version is nothing to scoff at. Kurt plays his role very well. he looks worried, confused and paralyzed. He is not happy at Dalton and definitely misses his friends at WMHS. He spends the entire number connecting with Rachel in the audience, who even goes so far as to offer the advice to FUCKING SMILE. What was it they said about a good show face last season? "I want a look so optimistic it could cure cancer."

Shit goes to hell in the Green Room. At first I was going to say that it was unrealistic that everything would come crashing down so suddenly, but then I thought back on my life and realized that when the shit starts to come down, the shit starts to motherfucking pour.While watching this scene, I said to myself, audibly, "Best Green room EVAR!" and sho' nuff, Lauren makes the exact quote not three seconds after I say it. During the breakdown, there are all kinds of accusations being thrown around. Artie says that he hopes they're judged on dancing and adultery because Brittany is aces at both. She looks all sadpuppy, like when she pushed the meatball across the plate. Which, by the way was the SADDEST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Not even the death of the first Jew at Auschwitz was sadder. Ok, maybe it was a little sadder, but only a little bit. I am so going to get hit by every Jewish person I know. Fuck.

Anyway, Will gets his yell on and tells everybody to make the most out of their six minutes on stage. WOAH! Shut the front door! Six-minute sets? Are you kidding me? I think not. Will  somebody please remind me how long the River Medley was for North High's Explosion? I believe it lingered in the 20 minute category. I've definitely performed in show choirs that had sets that went for up to 45 minutes. Hell. I once performed the entirety of Handel's Messiah without leaving the stage, not even for an intermission. So, yeah, fuck you New Directions. Six minutes. Are you kidding me? Why I oughtta....

So, Schu's yelling worked, and the entire cast meets backstage to prep. Wheels and Brittany have a heart to heart where she confesses to losing Artie's magic comb at Motocross Practice. She thought adultery had something to do with being a dolt. I effing loved it. Funniest line of the episode goes to Lauren who said, "I'm not nervous. You know why? because showchoir sucks." I swear to God, I fell on the floor laughing so hard that I didn't even have time to write the line down in my handy dandy notebook. Extra points to anybody who can tell me where that line comes from. Returning to the reason we're all here, Quinn and Sam prepare for their big entrance. As Sam walks in, everybody turns as if they're shocked and surprised. I feel like, at this point, all programs should list the fact that New Directions will enter from the rear for maximum effect. Sam struts while singing the opening lines to The Time of My Life, and points to the other door, where Barbie enters, wearing the ugliest costume I've ever seen, and it's accented by a creepy goth bow of death. I feel like Tina had a hand in creating these costumes. The bow seems out of place and a little too off-kilter for my tastes. Then again, I'm not the costume director. If I was, the boys would all be shirtless AMIRITE?!

Speaking of shirts. Remember that Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome I was talking about? It makes a return, please note that, aside from monkey-face, and what appears to be an intense haircut that nobody thought we'd notice, Ken is wearing a shirt that fails in the button department. I swear, Express makes shirts that look good and fit at the same time, you can even order a specific style that has tighter arms so your muscles bulge really big-like. I'm not joking. I own two of them. Shut you faces, and don't judge me. Fat boys need to look good wherever possible, and if that means getting overpriced shirts that fit me perfectly, then so be it. You'd do it too if you knew where to buy them, and now you do.

After this song of failed ass, sorry it really was poorly performed and blocked. I was just unsatisfied. Had it not been for the perfectly logical plot reason, I would have preferred that Finn and Rachel sing it, or that we get to see Lauren Zizes' singing voice, instead of just being distracted by her tits for ten minutes. Anyway, I lost track of myself, after the song, Santana dons a tiny hat with feathers and a veil to sing Valerie while Mike and Brittany do some dancing that they ripped off from the Vocal Adrenaline performance at Regionals. Don't believe me? Go watch Regionals. Legit. Stolen. Straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever)

They get a standing ovation, which was entirely undeserved. At this point, I texted my fiends and told them all that if New Directions won I was going to be livid. The whole crew assembles on stage and the best judge ever announces that The Hipsters have failed, and that there is a fucking tie. WHAT A COP-OUT! I hate ties. Seriously. There should have been a tie-breaker song. Oh yeah, extra points of Awesome to anybody who can name this actor.

Going back to school some shit happens. Specifically, we find out that this year, during Sectionals, Emma actually got married. Legit. Like ring and all. She seems thrilled, and Will seems kind of butthurt. I seem disinterested. I didn't care about her storyline for at least the last three weeks, I don't care about it now. in fact, I don't care about much of anything after this point. In 3 minutes everybody makes up, except for Finn & Rachel who break up. Like I said, Rachel likes to say shit that gets couples broke up. I didn't like the closing song of the episode. It was over-produced, and needlessly auto-tuned. During the song, we cut to scenes of Rachel pulling down her Finn & Rachel 4EVER stuff from her locker, including the creepiest calendar I've ever seen, I'll post a picture at the end, I can't distract from my predictions/wrapup.

All in all, the episode was a success. I've included a few more stills from the episode for your amusement and entertainment. I wasn't thrilled with some pieces, but it had great pacing, and a nice balance of plot and music. Next week is our Christmas episode, and people will probably bitch and moan about the lack of plot. It's a fucking Christmas Special though, so I won't be complaining. It's meant for music and music alone.

As for predictions: Will is going to get some booty in the next episode. Kurt and Blaine will heat things up a bit. Brittany, in all her glory will be the center of the next episode. Santana is going to continue fading into the background. It is interesting to note that Lauren Zizes took part in the final song of the episode, suggesting that she will probably be in for a while. I'll be interested to see how they make that work with Kurt coming back eventually. I'd like to see more people in Glee, but I'm wary because that means people will have to leave. The show doesn't work with a larger ensemble cast. I'm sure next episode will be filled with delight from all the Whos in Whoville, as well as merriment from our neighborhood Grinch, Sue Sylvester.

Emma shows off the ring.

Emma hugging Stamos and giving the 'FML' face

Crazy-eyes Will, and Darren Criss looking into the camera. Also creeper guy in a bad shirt

THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS CALENDAR EVER.

More crazy eyes as Rachel tells Kurt to smile. Puck looks butthurt.

Emma's oversized coatsweater.

Some sort of weird face thing that Blaine did mid-song. It scared me.

GLEE : The Great Debate - Part II

David Karofsky, Sam Evans, Blaine Noname.

This has been an ongoing internal debate for the past several weeks. Combining spoilers, pre-series interviews with cast/crew, and subverted scenes/reactions from the show itself, I have decided to finally weigh in on what my brain has dubbed 'The Great Debate, Part II' It's Part II because Part I is in My internal debate as to whether or not Sam Evans is indeed gay. I'm going to weigh in on that in one sentence, "Sam Evans is indeed a homosexual character. If not, he is definitely bisexual. Period."

This said. Accepting the fact that the show is currently casting for four new male characters, at least three of which are possible recurring roles, and that interviews with Ryan Murphy, who is notorious for misleading his audience with regards to character reveals in this series so far (see also: "Idina Menzel will not be Rachel's mother"), has stated that in this current season there will be three new gay characters revealed and that one of them will be playing the role of Kurt's boyfriend, I am confident in ranking the three existing options in order from most-likely to least-likely.

1: Sam Evans. i know, I know nobody wants to believe that the golden boy is the gay one. Considering in-character statements made, reaction shots to Kurt's performances/situation/lines, tell-tale blocking and confusing character history, I am confident that he is the most logical choice, barring the revelation of a new option in the second half of the season with this current casting rush. Plain and simple, his reactions to being flat-out asked about his sexuality, his defense of Kurt, his intentional ambiguity when asked about his past, his experience at a mysterious all boys boarding school (ahem dalton), all signs point to yes. Furthermore, his near-constant obsession with his insecurities, and his immediate devotion to Quinn suggests that he has something to hide, and that he is willing to go to whatever lengths to hide it entirely.

2: Mystery New Cast Member: Described on the casting roster as follows:

MALE (18 - 20s; any ethnicity) - 18 or over to play high school. he is a football player who is takk. He should be a good-looking, well-built jock. LARGE CO-STAR, RECURRING

With Murphy's assertion that Kurt's boyfriend will be a football player, this seems like the next likely ideal. All things considered, I still rank Mystery Boy above the other two because of show canon, and future character development.

3: David Karofsky. This was originally my first pick, but while evaluating the other three options, I decided against it. I don't think Kurt has it within him to forgive the bullying and let this be a real possibility. Granted, I would be very pleasantly surprised if it did happen. I have wanted this from the beginning and I think it would add a stark, stunning new level of storytelling to the series that would be genuinely refreshing and engaging. Not to mention be a very close mirror to my first real relationship, and several other itneractions of my past. Realistically though, Karofsky will transfer away from WMHS before the end of the season, and won't return. His character, while remarkable, is neither important, nor essential in the grand-scheme of things.

4: Blaine Noname. If the character doesn't have a last name by his third appearance/reference, he's going to disappear without much effort eventually. They only gave Brittany a last name because she was promoted to primary cast. They had every intention of her only being a throw-away one-off character. If Blaine was intended to be the boyfriend, he'd have that story carved out already. if I'm proven wrong in this regard, I will be genuinely surprised, and I won't consume white chocolate for a year in repayment for my stupidity. He and Kurt will kiss. He and Kurt might even have some sort of simulated/suggested sexual experience. That is as far as it will go. I personally think that Murphy is going to use Blaine to make a point of the fact that just because two characters are gay does not mean they are going to be dating. 

Twilight : Eclipse

"If I'd known, I would have dressed better."

This is part two of the multi-part series regarding The Things I Have Learned From The Boys I Have Kissed. This is about Sean. He's actually the first boy I ever kissed. Years ago, I spent the summer, or a rather lengthy portion thereof, in St. Louis at my father's apartment. I think it was because he bribed my mom, or because she got sick of me sitting around the apartment. Realistically, she just wanted more time with her DOTM without the kidlings around. Why I was there doesn't matter. What matters is that I went and that while I was down there, I met Sean.

I couldn't have been 12 years old. In fact, I was probably in 5th or 6th grade at the very most. I know we had to lie about my age to the owners of the apartment complex so that I could have a key to the pool. That is where I met Sean. He was a couple of years older than me, I remember that much, auburn hair, and skin paler than mine. I wasn't such a fatty back then and actually enjoyed spending time at the pool, playing games of splashysplash and wrestling with the other boys poolside. It was the summer of love as far as my life is concerned, and it was an adventure through-and-through.

Sean and I became quick friends, everybody else in the complex was either several years older or younger than us. He had a pet turtle, and the two of us were infinitely well-tuned to each other. We would spend the mornings playing games at the pool, or throwing the baseball back and forth. In the afternoons, we'd figure out the four-digit parental lock on our parents' cable boxes so that we could watch porn. We usually broke my dad's first. He wasn't so intelligent when it comes down to it. A lot of the time, it was quick and effortless for me to figure it out.

It was late one afternoon, we'd spent the day at the pool, and were eating apples with his pet turtle under a tree. He asked me if I'd ever kissed anybody, and sheepishly, I told him no. We theorized on how our first kisses would go, who they'd be with, how they'd feel. It was a nice bonding moment between the two of us and it would be days, almost two weeks before I asked to kiss him. We spent the next several weeks touching, playing and kissing. It was a heavenly distraction from my father's idiocy. None of these people were the wiser by any stretch of the imagination. Looking back on these days, I knew then that I was gay.

i never saw Sean again. I came back to Omaha, and my life continued on with the knowledge in the back of my mind that I was gay and that I had kissed a boy. Who knows if Sean ended up the same. I'd like to think that our friendship was as formative for him as it was for me, but realistically, I'll never know.

Tuesdays With Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Thanksgiving. It's a make-believe holiday, much like Xmas and Valentine's Day. no real meaning when it comes right down to it, but a great opportunity to soak up the presence of friends and family for a day or four. This year, Thanksgiving started on the 23rd and only ended this morning. It was a wild ride, full of fun and entertainment and closeness and the closest thing to love that I've felt in a good long while.

Tuesday evening, Jakob and I went to Ayn Dahlke's house for Reject Thanksgiving. It was a night filled with casual adorations, video games, dancing,  movies, AMAZING conversation, REMARKABLE people, and a reunion with the girl who I blame for my musical passion entirely. Ayn looked lovely, as always, and the food was delightful. I made cookies, which I took every opportunity to tell people about and Mr. Buss made Pistachio Salad, which was quick dubbed green marshmallow goo and was a huge success!

We played with the kinect and watched a bit of Resident Evil, I met some of the most sensational people I've met in a long time, and when the night ended, I was genuinely pissed off that I had to work at 4 am the next day. I have every intention of making Ayn a common trend in my life. She is on my permanent list of invitees from this moment onward, she and her charming boyfriend.

Wednesday, I spent the morning, after work, curled up on the couch with Jakob. We murmured sweet-nothings and made jokes. I spent the remainder of the day palying games and writing blogs. I even did my annual guest-spot on a friend's vlog/podcast which was afun blast from the past.

But the day this is really about is true Thanksgiving. like I've mentioned before this blog is for randomness, and for hilarity and for fabulousness. The week was nothing until Thrusday afternoon. After going to my mother's for dinner, i was sent on an errand for the family. It was supposed to be simple. Go to the Hy Vee around the corner to pick up mini marshmallows for the yams, then go to my Aunt Carrie's and pick up our Aunt Frieda and bring her to my mother's for dinner. It was at 2:00 that I was sent on this errand.

So, I get in the bright blue Escape and start driving. I make it to Hy Vee in less than three minutes and discover that every package of mini marshmallows is sold out. My mother suggests checking at walmart. That's another 2 or 3 miles away, so I stop in. Not only are all of the mini marshmallows sold out at Walmart, but so are all of the regular sized marshmallows. So I get back in the car and drive back to Hy Vee to buy normal sized marshmallows, which are now sold out. SO ... I drive another two miles south to Bag N' Save to buy marshmallows, grab two bags and head back toward Aunt Carrie's house.

I text my mom and tell her to let Carrie know that Frieda's ride is outside. Five minutes later, no response. I've already been gone for nearly 40 minutes and I'm getting antsy and I've been frustrated since my trip to Walmart to search for marshmallows. So, I park, I head up to the door, and knock. No answer. I sit in the car and honk. No answer. So I head back to my mother's and thus begins the end of my holiday. One plate of food pushes me into a tryptophan coma, and a little bit of video-gaming with my kid brother leads me to relaxation at long last.

The moral of the story? BUY YOUR FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS EARLY.

Edge of Seventeen

"It hurts"

 This is the first of a series of posts I intend to make. The series theme? Things I Have Learned from Boys I Have Kissed. Please note the distinction that I have made here, a kiss does not imply dating, and specifically, I mention boys, as the bulk of these will have taken place prior to my triumphant return to Omaha in 2008. I started thinking of this about a week ago while I was sorting DVDs, the movie, Edge of Seventeen showed up and it intrigued me, because the only people who watch films like this are gay kids who are sick and tired of John Hughes being such a douche bag. Well, and creepy straight girls who spend their lives attached to gay men an can't find any real passion in their own lives. 

I'll admit that being the only out guy in high school meant that I got a lot of play from young men who would later become the proud homosexuals of Omaha North High School. It got me a lot more play from boys who would never come out ever in their entire life, and to this day will probably deny that they ever did anything with a man. I've been the tester for numerous guys and I think I'm kind of satisfied with that. Each experience taught me a lot about who I am, what I like, and what my limits, standards and expectations are. Aside from being an introductory post, this is also about one of the first boys I kissed. I'm pretty sure he falls into the second category of toe-dipper, but I'll freely admit, he had the biggest impact on my development as a man. 

His name was Zach. He wasn't the first boy I kissed, not by a longshot. He was actually somewhere in the middle. It was my senior year of high school, and I couldn't tell you what grade he was in if I tried. I do know that we only started talking via email at school. He was dating an obnoxious little mousey girl with an attitude. I asked him to homecoming. When he said he had a date already, I was disappointed, but we kept talking, and actually became pretty good friends. It wasn't until a few weeks later, via phone-call that he asked me to be his boyfriend. It was cute. This was important because up until this moment, I had always been the aggressor in any sort of interaction with men. He was a pretty fantastic guy, one of the few that I continued to talk to after departing Nebraska for Arizona. He loves ducks. He's a whole lotta punk-rock. He bites when he kisses, which has stuck with me ever since. He came to my school play on opening night and brought me a carnation, something nobody has ever done since. He would walk me from class to class and we'd sneak a kiss before disappearing into our classrooms. He wore black lipstick that left cute little marks that I wore with pride. 

I haven't spoken to him directly since 2005. We're friends on facebook, but I never know what to say to him to let him know just how formative he was in my youth. I won't go so far as to say I love him, but I definitely enjoyed him and adore the parts of him I find in others I meet on a daily basis. There is rarely a day that passes that I don't meet somebody who reminds me of him in some way, shape or form.

Gleecap : S02E08

Here's what you missed on GLEE! It's Tuesday in Ohio. Kurt, Carole and Burt strut down the halls of MHS, Kurt with a signature clueless look on, and they find Finn, our resident frankenteen to tell him that Burt proposed just a few moments ago.

We learn that Kurt has a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under his bed, if you were surprised about this, you obviously haven't been watching this show, and probably shouldn't be reading my gleecap. Also along that line of thought, Kurt is going to put together a wedding in no time at all. I don't know how much Say Yes to the Dress you watch, but I know damn well that it takes a helluva lot of time to plan a wedding. We also learn that Burt has some savings to use for a honeymoon, and that he intends to buy a new house, specifically, "one where everybody has their own room."

Long story short: They're having a glee wedding.

This cuts to the title card, and then Principal Sue Sylvester packaging wedding invitations which prompts a flashback cut to a segment of The Way Sue Sees It when she discovers that her ex, the doucheanchor is getting married to the cuntanchor. Naturally, Sue does what everybody in this situation would do. She resorts to online dating using a thinly-veiled assault on eHarmony named eDesperate, where she discovers that she is her only natural match. Frankly, I can see the attraction. I know damn well that I'm the best match for me so it only makes sense. Let's face it, if we could date clones of ourselves in body, mind and spirit, we would. That is the true test of vanity.

As a side note, we discover that under the heading of 'The things I am most passionate about:' Sue lists, "Extreme Taxidermy, Tantric Yelling, Poking the Elderly with Hidden Pins..." I have to say I would engage in all of these activities if given the opportunity. As such, if anybody would like to engage in these activities, please feel free to get a hold of me, we'll make it a date. Not the sexy kind though. I have a boyfriend, or something like that.

So, Sue decides to marry herself.

CUT! Sexy-transition to the weight-room where we find Sam working on his guns. Finn and Sam pull out the rulers and drop their zippers for a couple minutes, which leads to an awkward drumroll-transition to the room where Sam and Quinn first practiced their Duet. This is where we learn hat whoever is responsible for continuity actually managed to make something work right when Quinn points out they've known each other for 'six weeks'. There was something about a promise ring, and then a flat-out refusal, hidden behind a maybe.

Kurt is already planning the wedding and intends to feed glitter to doves so that their poo doesn't cause a mess. Sadly, I'd considered this myself. There is another incredibly intense scene between Karofsky and Kurt that seems to border on erotic, but in a backroom leather sort of way that left me feeling kind of broken on the inside. We continue this storyline with a trip to Principal Sue's office.

This whole scene really hits home with me. Growing up in a school that didn't have the zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, and being the only openly gay man at said school, I found myself routinely the object of bullying, ridicule and death-threats. It's rough when there is noting the school can 'legally' do. I'm proud of Ryan Murphy for bringing to light a very real problem in our schools. Not only on behalf of gay youth, but on behalf of all the people who either can't or won't speak up for themselves.

There is a great moment when Kurt tells Sue that calling him 'Lady' is hurtful. She apologizes offering him three nicknames, and he picks 'porcelain' which is probably the best nickname ever in the history of mankind. This is the one time I will permit picking one's own nickname without kicking them in the shins. Kudos for excellent writing Mr. Jewish writer-guy.

As shocking as it may seem, Rachel is next seen standing in front of the coupled glee girls. I'm impressed. It took nine whole minutes for them to show Lea Michele's face! Nothing against Lea, she's a sensational vocalist, and her character is second to none, but frankly, I'm sick of looking at her and hearing her voice. I'm so much more dedicated to the other storylines right now.

She begs Brittany, Quinn and Tina to speak with their footballer boyfriends and get them to stick up for, and support Kurt. Quinn quickly goes on defense and says she isn't dating Sam. Brittany essentially tells Tina to fucking deal with it, and Tina just sort of looks depress(ed/ing). Santana makes  brief stop to call Rachel short and make it painfully clear that she thinks she's in a relationship with Puck when really, everybody knows it's just fucking. Is it just me or is Santana being phased out? I feel like I'm seeing her less and less. Mercedes too. It's almost as if those unaffiliated with the football team aren't all that important anymore.

Enter Carole Burnett as Doris Sylvester, the smart-talking, Nazi-hunting mother of Principal Sue. They talk about abandonment and they humanize Sue even more. I'm not supposed to fucking like her dammit! They call Phoenix a hell-hole, and really they're just setting up a musical number, which at 13 minutes still hasn't happened.

Rachel and Finn have an argument which essentially sets the tone that Finn won't be stepping up to Kurt's defense anytime soon. Rachel uses the mom-line, "I'm really disappointed in you."

Meanwhile, in the locker room, Wheels and Other-Asian approach Closetcase and get intense. Closetcase pushes Other-Asian into Wheels, which leads to Blondie and Closet getting into a fist fight. Black eye on Blondie FTW! The heroes are heralded and Finn is berated by everybody else for not stepping up to the plate to bat for Kurt. Sam is glorified for his awesomeness, a lot. Rightfully so, what he did was more than just heroic. It was a sensational move on his part toward kickassitude.

In the auditorium, t 16 minutes, we get our first song. I said it last time, and I'll say it again, 16 minutes is too damn long to wait for a song. Dear Ryan Murphy, BALANCE! Love, joshie. That said, Carole Burnett is still astounding vocally. We have a mother-daughter duet that acts to further humanize Sue, which acts to further piss me off and make me doubt my feelings about the character! I think I liked it a lot more when we knew to hate Sue and leave it at that. I'm not thrilled with the pacing of this episode, it seems a little bit choppy and off-kilter.

Kurt gives Burt and Finn a crash-course in ballroom dancing, which of course leads to Karofsky walking by and seeing Finn and Kurt holding hands to dance, which of course leads to Karofsky being a dick, which of course leads to Burt nearly killing Karofsky, which of course leads to a parent-teacher-conference, which of course leads to Karofsky being expelled, which of course leads to a feeling of relief in Kurt, which of course leads to ANGST! Through it all, Kurt still doesn't reveal Karofsky's secret, which is both noble and wise. If people knew half of the jocks who made out with me in high school, it would make being gay a lot easier.

At the wedding, Santana and Finn have some sort of discussion about being honest, or something like that. I didn't pay attention. I kept getting distracted by her gigantor tits. (In case you forgot that her character got a boob job over the summer. )

24 minutes and we get another song. Let me just say that this is going to be my wedding. Period, If I get married, I'm having my wedding party dance down the aisle and have a kick-ass song to sing. Seriously. This wedding is made of win, and put together in a matter of days. These are the miracles that gay men are capable of. As a side note, the best portion of the sequence is Artie with his rhythm gymnastics ribbons. Not joking. Seriously. Burt still can't dance and looks adequately self-conscious, which makes me thrilled with the acting.

Carole looks a hot tranny mess. Pick-ups, ruching, and a lace bolero jacket do not a wedding-dress make. Seriously. Remember that Say Yes to the Dress plug earlier? Randy would be flabbergasted! Carole looks like the bride of chucky! Her earring are ungodly, and her veil is unacceptable. The whole outfit distracts me from some really heart-felt exchanges between Burt, Kurt, Carole and Finn. The ensuing scene is a great emotional moment with nice cut-aways and steadycam shots of both audience and wedding party. Sensational acting all around.

29 minutes. Third song is Will Schuester, thank god this is the first we've really seen of him this episode. This is actually a great reception scene. They're having a lot of fun with it. unfortuantely Carole's dress still looks a hot tranny mess and now the pickups have been pinned up for dancing, which just looks tacky and disappointing. Song is over by 31 minutes.

Finn makes a toast, as every good son should. Then we get a bit of fan-service. Finchel, Puckelberry, and FURT! Kurt has this great look of appreciation and happiness. I really am appreciative of Chris Colfer for what he brings to this show. His acting is sensational, and his voice is perfect for the role. As a thank-you for the wedding, the glee club has put together a number for Kurt. It seems more like a number for their girlfriends, but oh well, who care, at 32 minutes, we get the next song, oh did I say next, I meant final. Yeah. Songs all fell into an 18 minutes portion of the 46 minute long episode.

Slow dance with Kurt and Finn is a really touching grown-up moment, and the hug they have is probably the most emotional moment I've seen in a television show in a damn long time. We have the bride and groom dance, and the couples get together. (Including Kurt & Mercedes)

Cutting to the rehearsal of Sue's wedding, which includes Carole Burnett being a bitch. I love it. The best moment of the episode is pictured to the right. See that? That is a tracksuit wedding gown in royal blue with white piping. WIN. The episode could have ended right this moment, and I would have been satisfied. Not just satisfied, but fucking THRILLED!

Some other stuff happens, but I was too fascinated by the dress to pay much attention to their bullshit. To round out the episode, Quinn puts on Sam's ring, Principal Sue becomes Coach Sue again, Karofsky's expulsion is reversed, Figgins' return is foretold, and Kurt is told that his new Mommy & Daddy are willing to set aside their honeymoon to pay tuition for Kurt to go to Dalton Academy.

Kurt makes that announcement in the past 20 sconds of the episode, which means that the glee club doesn't have the members for competition next week at sectionals. This also means that Kurt will be competing against them at Sectionals. The final words of the episode are, "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows : Part One

Here there be spoilers. Beware all ye that dare tread on unknown ground this is my very quick review and recap of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One.

Before the opening credits have even begun, we are assaulted with headlines and voice over declaring the world of magic in a state of turmoil. Sightings of the dark mark have caused widesprad panic, and attacks on muggles have led both magic and muggle alike to fear and worry. Warner Bros did a fantastic job setting the tone early on in the film letting us all know that dark times are ahead. A truly touching moment is Hermione as she obliviates her parents.

If you haven't read the book, or seen the film yet, this is where you should stop reading. I'm not joking with you. Stop. Don't go any further. You have been adequately warned. Or warned enough for me to not feel bad about the spoilers.

Following the title sequence, we tag along with the ever menacing Severus Snape as he enters the  Malfoy residence. I have to admit, I was slightly disappointed to not see his albino peacocks. It is just a small piece of the setting, but it is one that I take great joy in considering my love of peacocks in general, even when you consider the great peacock attack of 2007. I digress though, Severus enters and the death eaters are shown sitting at the Malfoy dining table, with Ms. Burbage levitating in her pre-kedavra'd state. Nagini is looking lovely, as always, and the Dark Lord is terrifying to behold. After a bit of blah blah, Burbage is killed. Grats to Tom Felton for the look of sheer awe and terror on his face when Burbage is kedavra'd.

Cutting to Harry saying his goodbyes to the not-quite-home he not-quite-loved all of these years. He makes a visit to the cupboard under the stairs providing a look of sadness and woe that I was sure Daniel Radcliffe wasn't capable of when I was in highschool and these movies first started. They keep with the lore and mythos of the movies, with the creation, ingestion and workings of polyjuice potion as his friends and compatriots take on Harry's form to fool the death eaters. Off they go.

We are blessed with a  beautiful scene involving some great cinematography and a welcome change in comparison to our unfortunate experience with The Last Airbender. The green-screening is stunning in this film. I suppose it's only natural with the superior quality of the films thusfar. I am a little disappointed that hedwig is how Voldemort discovers the real Harry. I liked it far more when Stan was a big part of it. The return of Threstrals was a nice touch that made up for the lack of albino peacocks

Hedwig dying performed its job very well. It made death very real very quickly, by 20 minutes into the film, we have been prepared and told that characters we have grown to love have and will die. I very much enjoyed the look of loss in Radcliffe's eyes after Hedwig's death.

Arriving at the Weasley household, we have the expected fear and paranoia. There is a bit of confusion, as it to beanticipated, as we discover that, off-screen, mad Eye Moody has been killed, as Mundungus Fletcher, the rotten little sneak-thief took off almost immediately after their take off from the house on Privet. There is a moment of solace, as they discover further that George has lost an ear, no more identical twins it would seem.

Harry has a bad dream, as he remembers Dumbledore. Then, Ginny and he share an awkward, though entirely romantic kiss, which is quickly made more awkward by George getting a bit of something to drink.

There are some minor story developments which lead to the arrival of the Minister of Magic. I'm again disappointed though. There is little, if any mention of Bill & Fleur's wedding. The preparations were some of the funniest, heartwarmingiest moments in the entire book and I really wanted to have them be a part of the film in an effort to counteract the recent deaths and throw people off guard for a few minutes. It would have been nice to at least have some passing references to Fleur's obnoxious family.

The Minister gives Harry, Ron & Hermione Albus Dumbledore's legacy, and we continue on with the story. There are a few nice one-liners that weren't in the book, but nothing to write home to mom about. Beforeyou know it, we're having a wedding! Nothing like a future werewolf and an Eighth-Veela getting married to set the tone in a time when magical blood purity is the biggest deal since the boy who lived ... lived.

Regrettably, the managed to fail miserably at one very important aspect of the wedding. harry just sort of wanders about all willy-nilly. No joke. No polyjuice potion to be seen. Way to piss me off WB. Isn't he supposed to be hiding? I mean come on! No wonder the death eaters crash the wedding.

We finally get a scene with Luna's lovely father! This makes me needlessly thrilled. He is of course wearing the symbol of the Deathly Hallows, and soon after we get to hear bitchy old people be gossipy! Yay! Old people FTW!

Learning of the Minister's death, the fight scene at the wedding begins and ends almost instantly. I should take a moment to compliment the apparation effects are absolutely sensational. There is nothing more fantastic than these special effects.

We of course have the chase scene that lasts all of twelve minutes, including a few brief stops to sit and wait, and some divergence of information. It is a nice exposition, and the pacing, while awkward, works very well. Harry informs Rona and Hermione about the Horcruxes and they settled on 12 Grimauld Place as their hiding location for the time being. This of course annoys the shit out of Kreacher, but proves to be ever useful as they continue their ongoing planning and plotting for the coming trials and tribulations.

This brings us to about 45 minutes into the film. We discover the whereabouts of the locket that Harry and Dumbledore thought they had found previously. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of bonding with Kreacher, but Ihave already, by this point, made the decision that I'm going to just accept all of this as artitic license. As long as they get the really good stuff, that's all I care about.

About halfway through the film, I will take a break for the day, and deliver part two of my review/recap tomorrow afternoon.

But I'm A Cheerleader

"I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo."

So, I wanted to share my thoughts on Glee, in this week's Gleecap. I'll do that tomorrow. For tonight though, I give you my disjointed notes from this week's episodes. All times are based on my illegally downloaded copy of the show and will be fixed once they're released on DVD.

Kudos on the return of the mailman.

The only two girls in high school who won't put out- I effing wish.

Do you think The Nutcracker's just a musical?

Outfit 1: White collar grey button down with a gold lamé bowtie, and a three-quarters length wool duster!?

Outfit 1 - The latest fall fashions from Hot Topic ftw?

Return of the mohawk

"wow what a catch, can't believe i ever let you go"

Worst drum roll ever.

Lines from mercedes: how are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people.

The boys beat us the alst time we competed against them. We need to bring the noise HARD this time.


"Hold up like a milliona wesome gay jokes just popped into my head."

"Kurt, I'm gonna say it again. Boy's team."

Artie is the whitest white kid ever in the history of mankind.

"Slow down professor x, i never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick."

I don't know what that it, but if I foind out it's bad the fury's gonna find you.

This is my hill to climb alone.

I've totally done that.

Outfit 2: horizontal stripes, untied bowtie built in and skinny jeans.

Why does he own a paperdoll version of himself?

Quinn owns way too many idols of the Virgin Mary.

"Who would rather be dry-humping she-hulk."

It was somebody's job to make these pictures of Bieste.

09:00 first song
09:19 Random old bitch at school?!

Why are there people with steel drums hanging out in the Quad?

10:10 outrageously gay hair

Outfit 3:  Worst spyjob ever.

Attack of the disappearing 5 o'clock shadow.

Unacceptably cute cuteness.

12:30 Second sogn, but best

Worst dance moves ever.

Gaysian  with a HUGE mouth.

Unacceptable hair/dancing

TINA AND MIKE DON'T FUCK?! WHAT?!

Cigar + tutu?!

You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.

Why do Mike Chang and Sam Evans wear shirts? I feel like it should be a school mandate than involves them being shirtless at all times.

Outfit: Unacceptable patterns. NOT OK KURT!

Heart to heart, including a rather laughable use fo the word "pissed"

Be Mean to girls, they'll like you

Horse sweater?! Dear Glee, Blossom called, they want their sweater-vests back.

Dine and Dash? He's in a fucking wheelchair! This presents some logistical issues.

25:30 Zero transition in third song, which was a horrible piece of shit. Like seriously, not ok. It was just plain pathetic. Did rachel raid her Sandy closet again? Where did Mercedes find this ungodly ensemble?

CUTE TEXT MESSAGE!

124 emails? Shit Kurt! PS: where are the rest ofyour apps dude? Shit be looking all kinds of empty.

White ties are not ok, Mr. Schu3

Outfit: Is he wearing another skirt?! No, jsut shorts with knee high boots

Bucket List: Two confetti cannons + Cackle.

Why didn't you pick your phone up off of the floor, Kurt?

DAVID KAROFSKY IS GAY?! BOMB!  He's not so chubby either, he's kind of cute actually. He looks a bit like i did while in AZ actually... dammit, now this scene is going to ahve all kinds of undertones.

BEST SHOCKED look ever.

If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

angstangstangstangstangstangstangstangst

"well he's not coming out anytime soon"

Most terrifying kiss EVAR!

38:44 So, did kurt create the Courage Shrine, or is Blaine a creeper who put it up in his locker because kurt's iphone got broked?

39:56 final song, sucked just as much as the other mash up.

Did anybody else notice that Kurt's left hand covered his heart when everybody else used their right hand?

Wheelchairs ruin group hugs.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

 Drunk Guy in Yugo: "I love you so much, it's retarded."

I suppose another title for this post could be "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' or maybe "How to Ruin a Straight Boy's Life in Ten Easy Steps" but really, this is just a brief recounting of how I asked Jakob to be my boyfriend. Straight boys, start taking notes right now, because apparently, I have put numerous boyfriends into the dog house with the following tokens of my affections.

It all started with twenty-four roses. Twelve Henri Matisse roses, and twelve Dr. Briere roses were delivered, by me, super-secret-surprise style to Jakob, seen above right afterward, at his dorm room at Peru State College. I was lucky enough to have made it all the way down without him knowing I was even going to be in the area. Which is a stretch, since it was Halloween and I had a party not far away already that I had to keep super secret from him. He was of course ecstatic and commenced wandering through his dorm hall showing them to anybody that would look. This seemingly dumped his straight male friends into a dog-condo, not quite the dog house just yet.

Unbeknownst to him, this trip to his campus was a scouting trip for me. I was searching for the perfect place to ask him out. We went for a walk which consisted primarily of him proving to some of his friends that I existed, up until now, I was a disembodied name on facebook that he had absconded to Omaha for previously. We found a non-operating fountain near the theatre on campus that I knew was perfectly almost instantly. I stored this for later use.

Having met the people most important to him, I made sure to send them friend requests on facebook. I did this because I wanted a secret way of communicating with them without the chance that Jakob would know about it. i concocted a plan to woo him and win him instantly. I had to convince him that the coming Thursday, a very busy day for him that I knew would consist of him not leaving campus for anything, was going to be just as busy for me and that I wouldn't even be able to call or text him throughout the day.

That afternoon, I forced my roomie, Kaka, that's Katrina to you, to help me blow up nearly 300 balloons and prepare them for my grandiose plan. I also went ahead and got some wooden roses, since the living ones were starting to wilt already, and made a series of cue cards for the event. While in no way over the top, it was definitely a sight to see when I arrived at the fountain a little past 5pm, to find 10 of his closest friends waiting for me.

I gave the bags of balloons (and I mean trashbags filled with inflated balloons) to his friends and I tied more balloons with incredibly sparkly ribbon tot he fountain itself. With the wind it gave a very nice illusion of water and frankly, I was satisfied. Jakob was dragged over to the staging area, while I hid behind everybody in the basin of the fountain. The balloons were released and the scattered all over the lawn as I sang 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' by the Beatles, and one of his friends cycled through the cue cards.

Dear Jakob,

I know it's only been a couple of months

and we've only been on one real date

and we live an hour apart

and I'm a lot older than you

and we're both incredibly busy

but ...

I also know that I like you a lot

and want you to be my boyfriend.

Love, Josh

Needless to say, he accepted my proposal, and we're now dating.

What can you take from this?
a: buy flowers.
b: show up by surprise.
c: balloons = awesome.
d: love kicks ass pretty much.