The Tiny Hat Parade: Gleecap : S02E09

Special Education.

My gleecap for this week actually begins 18 minutes prior to the episode airing. I realized that one of the key points in getting the music before most other people is that while I get to enjoy it for an extra day or two, or three, I also have the unfortunate side-effect to extra anticipation. For those who don't know, I have friends in another country who send me mp3s of most of the music before it is officially released in the United States. Don't judge me. I like my GLEE dammit, and I need my fix as early as is humanly possible. This week was no exception, except that I got the Warblers' song only last night. Regardless, settling in against the twin-sized bed that has taken residence in my living room, I nestled under a blanket in preparation for the awesomeness that is Glee.

First thing: I am clueless about this title. Is Ryan Murphy just naming things to confuse the shit out of people at this point? I wanted some Becky Jackson, or some Jean, but no. I didn't even get any Sue this week. I knew it was going to be Sectionals, it needed to happen prior to the mid-season break, which happens after next week's episode, by the by. Mark your calendars. If the one week pauses gave you heart palpitations, you might want to have a doctor on standby when I say that we are to be gleeless from December 6th till February 6th. Yeah. No joke. It's like somebody is working really hard to break my heart lately.

Anyway, we open to Schu placing two house tickets to Sectionals in front of Emma. He invites her, saying she's the good luck charm for Sectionals. Which is kind of gaytarded considering as how this is only their second showing at Sectionals, and obviously, it wasn't too big of a deal the first time, except that it cancelled her wedding, and led to all kinds of crazy that we all know about very well. Will is excited to be taking Emma as his +1, and she is excited to call him a predictable douchetool. She spends the next few minutes essentially telling him that he lacks originality and needs to give other people the chance to shine. This amuses me because my roommate, Kaka, was just saying what a shocker it was that Finn and Rachel were the first two people out during the wedding episode. What a surprise right? IKR.

Somehow the ocd girl manages to make Will actually think for once, instead of let the product in his hair seep into his brain, and he decides to change things up at Sectionals. Sharing this revelation with Glee Club, he informs Rachel, who fails at life, that she and Finn won't be opening the Sectionals set. Instead Ken & Barbie (see also: Quinn and Sam) will be heading things up as they won the duet competition a few weeks ago. If you don't remember that bit, just know that Rachel and Finn threw the competition. Kurt should have won and was cheated because nobody recognizes his superiority. After a number of reaction shots, and something about Other Asian and Brittany being in a dance number, we spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the fact that Will Schuester is incapable of tying a tie correctly.

Maybe it's just me, but my ties fit me. While I love the outfit, Schu, it's not regulation for any school I've ever been in. ever. Seriously. You look like an A&F model, which is appreciated, don't get me wrong, just highly unrealistic. Not to mention that every male on this show suffers from what I'd like to call Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome. none of their shirts fit correctly. They all look like they're going to burst out at any second in the chesticular region. That would be the region with the rippling pectorals. Oh, btdubs, special thanks to Fox 41 for providing these screenshots that I most certainly did not take on my computer after illegally downloading the episode via torrent. Remember kids, pirating is theft. You wouldn't steal a purse. *The More You Know*

Continuing the previous scene that I just plain stopped paying attention to, we get the weekly hobbit joke from Santana which of course pisses off Rachel. Show of hands, who didn't see that coming? Nobody. End of story. As if making her time of the month come early wasn't enough for Santana, she goes ahead and tells Rachel that she fucked Finn last season. Again, if you missed that episode, it's about all you missed. Except for Johnathan Groff looking fine as hell for like six episodes of sexytimes. This leads to a cut.

Our heroine, Kurt, having abandoned his fellow gleeclubbers for Dalton Academy is getting dressed in his DA uniform. He looks stunning, as we all knew he would. Though, he seems to have this pin thing... See it there? It's a zebra head. At first, I thought it was a school mascot or something. No. No. This is just something Kurt has added to his uniform to stand out a bit. Big surprise right? Oh, to top it off, the pin changes sides on his suit-jacket at least seven times in the following scene as he is inducted into the Dalton Academy Glee Club, known also as The Warblers. He meets their governing body, The Council, and his ideas are immediately shot down, much like that poor miniature zebra he mounted on his lapel. Seriously, who the fuck wears a tiny zebra head? I'm so confused right now. He gets a bird to take care of, and he cracks some truly bad jokes while failing at giving high-fives. There is something about him that seems unnaturally stiff and awkward this episode. I understand him attempting to adapt, but really... it seems a bit forced to me. Time constraints FTL?

CUT! Guess who is suddenly doing her job as a school counselor! It's Emma Pillsbury. Seriously, this is the first time I've seen her counseling a student in several episodes. I was starting to think she'd taken a different job at the school that involved her looking pretty in her outrageous outfits, and just staring off into space while making out with Dr. Stamos on her desk. Oh, I'm sorry, did you forget that Emma is dating John Stamos? He has a different name, Ken, George, Bill, IDK. He's John Stamos in my book, no matter who he's playing. Sometimes he's Uncle Jesse, but only sometimes. Shut up. Don't judge me. You watched Full House too, dammit. As I was saying, Emma is counseling Rachel & Finn about their relationship issues. It's all pretty boring, because we all know how this is going to end. Rachel is going to storm out, and do something stupid, then tell everyone about it, and cause turmoil. It's what she does. Did you not see Sectionals last year? Same story.

We soon find Brittany standing in the corner of her second period class, and we learn that she's scared of fucking up at competition. So what does the best boyfriend in the world do? He gives her a fucking magic comb! YEAH! A magic comb that guarantees win when you've combed your hair with it. I'll take twelve please. Have I mentioned how much I adore Brittany lately. She was good for a few laughs in the first season, but as this season has progressed, she has become the most human out of all the characters on Glee. I feel nothing but sorrow for her.

After a word from our sponsors, we return to find Puck and Schu sitting in a mystery office, he says something not interesting, and then the other says something not interesting and then they both sort of say the same not interesting thing. Long story made short: Puck needs to find a new member for the glee club. After a quick check-in with our resident homos, Kurt and Blaine, where we learn that Kurt is getting the chance to audition for a solo, returning to the WMHS locker room, we find Puck trying to drum up guys for glee club. This of course leads to a fist fight, in the center of which we find Puck. Is it just me or are they seriously just copy-pasting the script from last season's Sectionals episode? Seriously, go watch it, I did. The parallels are outrageous.

This cuts to the glee room, where Brittany suggests throwing opossums at the opposing teams if they lose. Rachel walks in wearing the latest fall fashions from ... Abu Dhabi? She's got on a bunny sweater and what I've dubbed NO H8 TAPE. This is her form of needlessly loud protest. She kind of fails at a silent protest because she loves the sound of her own voice and she's all kinds of butthurt because Finn fucked Santana.

Enter Lauren Zizes and Noah Puckermann. We learn through flashbacks that Noah was locked in a porta-potty, and that Lauren saved him from his stinky stinky fate. As such she was invited to join Glee Club. Her price? A carton of Cadburry Eggs, and seven minutes in heaven with Puck. She rocked his world. Their words, not mine. Can I just say, CALLED IT BITCHES. That said, moving onward, Santana does something cunty, and Rachel fights back by taking Puck's arm. We'll learn later that they went to mack on Rachel's Holly Hobby bed, but that's all they did. Lame sauce. I was hoping for some Puckleberry action.

Cutting to the hallway, Tina, dressed like a zombie cheerleader corpse, tries to convince Artie that Other Asian and Brittany are cheating on them with each other. Artie denies it, and sticks by his girl, but like every time somebody opens their mouth with their dumb ideas, that shit sticks with you. I'm guilty of this too, every time somebody suggests something my head immediately takes it to the dark place where everybody except me is psychic and they're all keeping secrets from me. Bastards. It was in this scene that I recall that Mike, aka Other Asian is in fact a footballer. I don't know why I spaced this out. Even last episode It just didn't register until Tina JUST said something. I keep forgetting that he was with Shaft in the previous season. This cuts, FINALLY, to Kurt & Rachel in the WMHS auditorium. Where they discuss Kurt's solo audition.

They decide on Don't Cry For Me Argentina. A great song that I personally was disappointed didn't make it into the Madonna episode. I assumed they'd do a Simpsonsesque throwup to Evita at some point, so I wasn't too worried. While we didn't get it this time around, we did get another diva-off style sequence with Kurt and Rachel singing the same song. Thank GOD they released two versions of the song this time. I absolutely HATED Defying Gravity last year. It was so annoying listening to both voices perform that song in a duet style. If you haven't already, download the Kurt version. His is infinitely better. We get to have some truly fantastic backhanded compliments from Kurt to Rachel, which is always a bonus. I'd have to say that my favorite moment from the audition for Kurt would have to be when he

was just about to start lifting his arms to hit a high note, and looking to Blaine, he get's the 'tone it down Latifah' motion. You can see said motion to the right. Once again, Darren Criss and Chris Colfer have a unique palpable chemistry on screen that is too amazing to deny. They're both shining stars this season, and I'm happy to be part of their key demographic. There is a needless amount of eye contact going on that brings a warmth and realism to the number that makes me really genuinely proud of Kurt. When interspersed with humorous looks from the other Warblers, I'm all in all rather satisfied with the way this story-line is playing out. I will say that my one complaint is the lack of direction that I see in the Dalton Academy story-arc. I'm hoping things become clearer in the first part of the second half of the season.

Now onto me bitching. Didn't their funding get cut? Wasn't Will's BIGGEST concern funding for transport to/from sectionals, regionals and nationals? Wasn't this the object of an entire episode last year? Oh, we're just gonna cover that up and sweep it under the rug as they get into the handicapable bus and Emma shows up wearing an oversized green coat? Ok then. Emma and Will have a conversation about Ken, oh did I say Ken, I meant Carl, the dentist. it might as well be Ken, because parallel lines keep showing up all over the damn place. She pulls out of attending Sectionals, which kind of makes Will look all kinds of butthurt. I swear, if I didn't know better, he was being raped by Dustin right at that moment.

I will let him slide though, because of this face. Not to mention the fact that this tie, suit, scarf combo was to die for. Emma didn't look horrible, but still, damn Mr. Schu, way to look sharper than cheddar! This was a commercial break if I remember correctly, and while watching a horrible preview of Yogi Bear with the sound muted, I started making predictions on what will happen in the near future. I see Kurt leaving Dalton before Regionals. I also see Kurt dragging along Blaine. Just because I see it doesn't mean it will happen. I know that it would definitely add to the story. Likewise, If the two schools compete at Regionals, New Directions will win. Kurt will have definitely transferred back to WMHS by the time Nationals rolls around. I know for a fact that Darren Criss has a contract for next season, so he's going to stick around somehow.

Sectionals starts with the Warblers, seen to the right. They sing a song. It lasts like thirteen seconds. I'm so not kidding you. I blinked and missed the whole thing. Aside from the correlation to the School for the Deaf, there is nothing worthwhile to note about this performance. They needed a third school to compete in Sectionals. That's about all this amounted to. There is a break, prior to the beginning of the competition where we see Kurt and Rachel bond, and there is a brief discussion about Rachel/Finn's relationship. It was at this point that I foretold a break up at Rachel's hands. It happened last year at Sectionals thanks to her. It's only fair that it happen again.

The Warblers perform Hey Soul Sister wonderfully. The full studio version is much better, but the 2-minute version is nothing to scoff at. Kurt plays his role very well. he looks worried, confused and paralyzed. He is not happy at Dalton and definitely misses his friends at WMHS. He spends the entire number connecting with Rachel in the audience, who even goes so far as to offer the advice to FUCKING SMILE. What was it they said about a good show face last season? "I want a look so optimistic it could cure cancer."

Shit goes to hell in the Green Room. At first I was going to say that it was unrealistic that everything would come crashing down so suddenly, but then I thought back on my life and realized that when the shit starts to come down, the shit starts to motherfucking pour.While watching this scene, I said to myself, audibly, "Best Green room EVAR!" and sho' nuff, Lauren makes the exact quote not three seconds after I say it. During the breakdown, there are all kinds of accusations being thrown around. Artie says that he hopes they're judged on dancing and adultery because Brittany is aces at both. She looks all sadpuppy, like when she pushed the meatball across the plate. Which, by the way was the SADDEST MOMENT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. Not even the death of the first Jew at Auschwitz was sadder. Ok, maybe it was a little sadder, but only a little bit. I am so going to get hit by every Jewish person I know. Fuck.

Anyway, Will gets his yell on and tells everybody to make the most out of their six minutes on stage. WOAH! Shut the front door! Six-minute sets? Are you kidding me? I think not. Will somebody please remind me how long the River Medley was for North High's Explosion? I believe it lingered in the 20 minute category. I've definitely performed in show choirs that had sets that went for up to 45 minutes. Hell. I once performed the entirety of Handel's Messiah without leaving the stage, not even for an intermission. So, yeah, fuck you New Directions. Six minutes. Are you kidding me? Why I oughtta....

So, Schu's yelling worked, and the entire cast meets backstage to prep. Wheels and Brittany have a heart to heart where she confesses to losing Artie's magic comb at Motocross Practice. She thought adultery had something to do with being a dolt. I effing loved it. Funniest line of the episode goes to Lauren who said, "I'm not nervous. You know why? because showchoir sucks." I swear to God, I fell on the floor laughing so hard that I didn't even have time to write the line down in my handy dandy notebook. Extra points to anybody who can tell me where that line comes from. Returning to the reason we're all here, Quinn and Sam prepare for their big entrance. As Sam walks in, everybody turns as if they're shocked and surprised. I feel like, at this point, all programs should list the fact that New Directions will enter from the rear for maximum effect. Sam struts while singing the opening lines to The Time of My Life, and points to the other door, where Barbie enters, wearing the ugliest costume I've ever seen, and it's accented by a creepy goth bow of death. I feel like Tina had a hand in creating these costumes. The bow seems out of place and a little too off-kilter for my tastes. Then again, I'm not the costume director. If I was, the boys would all be shirtless AMIRITE?!

Speaking of shirts. Remember that Wolverine-Shirt Syndrome I was talking about? It makes a return, please note that, aside from monkey-face, and what appears to be an intense haircut that nobody thought we'd notice, Ken is wearing a shirt that fails in the button department. I swear, Express makes shirts that look good and fit at the same time, you can even order a specific style that has tighter arms so your muscles bulge really big-like. I'm not joking. I own two of them. Shut you faces, and don't judge me. Fat boys need to look good wherever possible, and if that means getting overpriced shirts that fit me perfectly, then so be it. You'd do it too if you knew where to buy them, and now you do.

After this song of failed ass, sorry it really was poorly performed and blocked. I was just unsatisfied. Had it not been for the perfectly logical plot reason, I would have preferred that Finn and Rachel sing it, or that we get to see Lauren Zizes' singing voice, instead of just being distracted by her tits for ten minutes. Anyway, I lost track of myself, after the song, Santana dons a tiny hat with feathers and a veil to sing Valerie while Mike and Brittany do some dancing that they ripped off from the Vocal Adrenaline performance at Regionals. Don't believe me? Go watch Regionals. Legit. Stolen. Straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever)

They get a standing ovation, which was entirely undeserved. At this point, I texted my fiends and told them all that if New Directions won I was going to be livid. The whole crew assembles on stage and the best judge ever announces that The Hipsters have failed, and that there is a fucking tie. WHAT A COP-OUT! I hate ties. Seriously. There should have been a tie-breaker song. Oh yeah, extra points of Awesome to anybody who can name this actor.

Going back to school some shit happens. Specifically, we find out that this year, during Sectionals, Emma actually got married. Legit. Like ring and all. She seems thrilled, and Will seems kind of butthurt. I seem disinterested. I didn't care about her storyline for at least the last three weeks, I don't care about it now. in fact, I don't care about much of anything after this point. In 3 minutes everybody makes up, except for Finn & Rachel who break up. Like I said, Rachel likes to say shit that gets couples broke up. I didn't like the closing song of the episode. It was over-produced, and needlessly auto-tuned. During the song, we cut to scenes of Rachel pulling down her Finn & Rachel 4EVER stuff from her locker, including the creepiest calendar I've ever seen, I'll post a picture at the end, I can't distract from my predictions/wrapup.

All in all, the episode was a success. I've included a few more stills from the episode for your amusement and entertainment. I wasn't thrilled with some pieces, but it had great pacing, and a nice balance of plot and music. Next week is our Christmas episode, and people will probably bitch and moan about the lack of plot. It's a fucking Christmas Special though, so I won't be complaining. It's meant for music and music alone.

As for predictions: Will is going to get some booty in the next episode. Kurt and Blaine will heat things up a bit. Brittany, in all her glory will be the center of the next episode. Santana is going to continue fading into the background. It is interesting to note that Lauren Zizes took part in the final song of the episode, suggesting that she will probably be in for a while. I'll be interested to see how they make that work with Kurt coming back eventually. I'd like to see more people in Glee, but I'm wary because that means people will have to leave. The show doesn't work with a larger ensemble cast. I'm sure next episode will be filled with delight from all the Whos in Whoville, as well as merriment from our neighborhood Grinch, Sue Sylvester.