Twilight: My (not so secret anymore) shame

So... I watched Eclipse last night, thanks to Josh getting me a DVD rip of it a little bit early. I definitely got a kick out of it, but I think you need some background on me and Twilight.

I started out confused. I think the first time I heard of it was seeing a group on Facebook called something like "I can never find real love because I read Twilight" or some lame crap like that. I made a note in my brain that such a thing existed and moved on.

Then came the hate portion. I figured out what it was, got some minor details filled in, and swore to never read the books. Ever. Because they (really are) terrible.

Then I saw the first movie with a friend who loves the series and one who hates it. I had sort of moved into the "this could be funny" camp at this point, and figured it would it least be worth it for the reactions of the hate-y friend.

I like to know things, so I needed further information about the series following the (admittedly hilarious, awful, and mustache-tastic) movie. So I turned to Cleolinda over at LJ. Which just got me in deeper. Reading about the series from the perspective of someone who neither loves it blindly or hates it completely really turned me around on it. She compares it to a twinkie a lot, if I recall correctly, because it is light and fluffy, but oddly satisfying. I think it was Growing Up Cullen that finally pushed me over the edge though. I really recommend reading that whether or not you're into the series. It really changed the way I read the books.

Which, yes, I did do. My sister gave me the first one for my birthday and I ate it up. I got the other three and had them all read within a ... month? Maybe. I would get into the proper mindset, which is to say I would smoke copious amounts of weed, and settle in to read. I don't think any other books have ever made me laugh so hard.

That's not to say I don't get some straight, having lady parts enjoyment from the series. I can't get behind the message (you need a boyfriend to be a real person, stalkers are okay, etc.) but I don't want to talk about that. You can find that all over the internet. We all know the series is shit.

But anyway! Now that you've gotten my life story, on to the movie.

The first thing that made me grab a notebook and pen was that every time the Cullens are on screen together (save while at school. You know. That one time.) they talk about the Volturi, the newborn army, blah blah blah. But they don't sleep. You can't talk about the same thing all the time. Do they do anything else? This is why I consider Growing Up Cullen canon, because it delves into how they fill their free time.

The next thing I noticed was that the movies are completely different from the books, because they lack constant Bella derived narration. If it was possible to watch the movies without knowing what the point of the series is (Bella/Edward 4eva you guys), you could get the idea that it is a tale of a young girl who got mixed up in a serious, dangerously co-dependent relationship, but will make the right call in the end. This is really apparent when she goes to visit her mom. Watch that scene forgetting what you know, and it'll seem like Bella will dump Edward at the end of the movie, go to college in Florida and live a full happy life. This take away some of the hilarity, because while the books continue to remind you that Bella is a total moron who doesn't deserve to live, the movies almost make her seem like a real person. (Okay when I say movies I mean Eclipse. New Moon's Bella who is only capable of screaming and moping for MONTHS on end is nowhere near a real person.)

On to a legitimate improvement from the book: "I kissed Bella. And she broke her hand. Punching my face." is what Jacob tells Charlie after exactly what he said happened happened. In the book it's "[Bella] thinks she broke her hand" ... "How did she do that?" ... "She hit me." ... "Why did she hit you?" ... "Because I kissed her." ... "Good for you, kid." Which... I'm sorry? You're daughter just got roughly the equivalent of raped in this abstinence only universe, was so offended she punched him, and broke (okay sprained) her hand and you congratulate the guy who did it? Uncool Sheriff Mustache. Uncool. The movies version both skips out on the congratulatory Charlie bit and allows Taylor Lautner to really utilize his wooden delivery style for maximum laughs.

But the funniest moment in the movie has to got to go to Rosalie. She apparently burst in to murder her fiance who gang raped her and left her for dead in a wedding dress, saying "I was a little theatrical back then." This has to be intentionally hilarious though, right? Who knows. I wish I could get a screenshot, but I fail at making them and can't seem to find one on the internet, but it's solid gold, let me tell you.

I have a few more notes, but meh! I've talked enough about Twilight for a lifetime already. I guess I should mention that I don't get why Bella doesn't put on a coat while walking around outside on top of the mountain that she nearly froze to death on the night before, but who can expect logic?

Toodles.

Tuesdays With Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Thanksgiving. It's a make-believe holiday, much like Xmas and Valentine's Day. no real meaning when it comes right down to it, but a great opportunity to soak up the presence of friends and family for a day or four. This year, Thanksgiving started on the 23rd and only ended this morning. It was a wild ride, full of fun and entertainment and closeness and the closest thing to love that I've felt in a good long while.

Tuesday evening, Jakob and I went to Ayn Dahlke's house for Reject Thanksgiving. It was a night filled with casual adorations, video games, dancing,  movies, AMAZING conversation, REMARKABLE people, and a reunion with the girl who I blame for my musical passion entirely. Ayn looked lovely, as always, and the food was delightful. I made cookies, which I took every opportunity to tell people about and Mr. Buss made Pistachio Salad, which was quick dubbed green marshmallow goo and was a huge success!

We played with the kinect and watched a bit of Resident Evil, I met some of the most sensational people I've met in a long time, and when the night ended, I was genuinely pissed off that I had to work at 4 am the next day. I have every intention of making Ayn a common trend in my life. She is on my permanent list of invitees from this moment onward, she and her charming boyfriend.

Wednesday, I spent the morning, after work, curled up on the couch with Jakob. We murmured sweet-nothings and made jokes. I spent the remainder of the day palying games and writing blogs. I even did my annual guest-spot on a friend's vlog/podcast which was afun blast from the past.

But the day this is really about is true Thanksgiving. like I've mentioned before this blog is for randomness, and for hilarity and for fabulousness. The week was nothing until Thrusday afternoon. After going to my mother's for dinner, i was sent on an errand for the family. It was supposed to be simple. Go to the Hy Vee around the corner to pick up mini marshmallows for the yams, then go to my Aunt Carrie's and pick up our Aunt Frieda and bring her to my mother's for dinner. It was at 2:00 that I was sent on this errand.

So, I get in the bright blue Escape and start driving. I make it to Hy Vee in less than three minutes and discover that every package of mini marshmallows is sold out. My mother suggests checking at walmart. That's another 2 or 3 miles away, so I stop in. Not only are all of the mini marshmallows sold out at Walmart, but so are all of the regular sized marshmallows. So I get back in the car and drive back to Hy Vee to buy normal sized marshmallows, which are now sold out. SO ... I drive another two miles south to Bag N' Save to buy marshmallows, grab two bags and head back toward Aunt Carrie's house.

I text my mom and tell her to let Carrie know that Frieda's ride is outside. Five minutes later, no response. I've already been gone for nearly 40 minutes and I'm getting antsy and I've been frustrated since my trip to Walmart to search for marshmallows. So, I park, I head up to the door, and knock. No answer. I sit in the car and honk. No answer. So I head back to my mother's and thus begins the end of my holiday. One plate of food pushes me into a tryptophan coma, and a little bit of video-gaming with my kid brother leads me to relaxation at long last.

The moral of the story? BUY YOUR FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS EARLY.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

 Drunk Guy in Yugo: "I love you so much, it's retarded."

I suppose another title for this post could be "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' or maybe "How to Ruin a Straight Boy's Life in Ten Easy Steps" but really, this is just a brief recounting of how I asked Jakob to be my boyfriend. Straight boys, start taking notes right now, because apparently, I have put numerous boyfriends into the dog house with the following tokens of my affections.

It all started with twenty-four roses. Twelve Henri Matisse roses, and twelve Dr. Briere roses were delivered, by me, super-secret-surprise style to Jakob, seen above right afterward, at his dorm room at Peru State College. I was lucky enough to have made it all the way down without him knowing I was even going to be in the area. Which is a stretch, since it was Halloween and I had a party not far away already that I had to keep super secret from him. He was of course ecstatic and commenced wandering through his dorm hall showing them to anybody that would look. This seemingly dumped his straight male friends into a dog-condo, not quite the dog house just yet.

Unbeknownst to him, this trip to his campus was a scouting trip for me. I was searching for the perfect place to ask him out. We went for a walk which consisted primarily of him proving to some of his friends that I existed, up until now, I was a disembodied name on facebook that he had absconded to Omaha for previously. We found a non-operating fountain near the theatre on campus that I knew was perfectly almost instantly. I stored this for later use.

Having met the people most important to him, I made sure to send them friend requests on facebook. I did this because I wanted a secret way of communicating with them without the chance that Jakob would know about it. i concocted a plan to woo him and win him instantly. I had to convince him that the coming Thursday, a very busy day for him that I knew would consist of him not leaving campus for anything, was going to be just as busy for me and that I wouldn't even be able to call or text him throughout the day.

That afternoon, I forced my roomie, Kaka, that's Katrina to you, to help me blow up nearly 300 balloons and prepare them for my grandiose plan. I also went ahead and got some wooden roses, since the living ones were starting to wilt already, and made a series of cue cards for the event. While in no way over the top, it was definitely a sight to see when I arrived at the fountain a little past 5pm, to find 10 of his closest friends waiting for me.

I gave the bags of balloons (and I mean trashbags filled with inflated balloons) to his friends and I tied more balloons with incredibly sparkly ribbon tot he fountain itself. With the wind it gave a very nice illusion of water and frankly, I was satisfied. Jakob was dragged over to the staging area, while I hid behind everybody in the basin of the fountain. The balloons were released and the scattered all over the lawn as I sang 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' by the Beatles, and one of his friends cycled through the cue cards.

Dear Jakob,

I know it's only been a couple of months

and we've only been on one real date

and we live an hour apart

and I'm a lot older than you

and we're both incredibly busy

but ...

I also know that I like you a lot

and want you to be my boyfriend.

Love, Josh

Needless to say, he accepted my proposal, and we're now dating.

What can you take from this?
a: buy flowers.
b: show up by surprise.
c: balloons = awesome.
d: love kicks ass pretty much.