The Last Airbender

"I will stop them."
-Avatar Aang

I only have one question. Who? Who at Nickelodeon saw this script and said, "Right on, M. Night Shammallamadingdong!"? I didn't see it in theatres. I refused. I had every intention of attending a midnight premier, but I had to work the next morning abnormally early, and thought I'd give it a week. i heard what others had to say, and I was shocked! Surely the creator of The Sixth Sense, Signs and The Happening couldn't be so villainous as to defile, destroy and cripple what can only be referred to as Nickelodeon's grandest foray into animation! So I held off on seeing the film. I was terrified of what might be seen. I was terrified of the potential for disappointment. Then it happened. The dvd was released. I thought if I acted like it didn't really exist, I would be spared. I was wrong. 

You may not know this, but my early morning hours are spent working at the local Netflix hub. I clean your dvds. I sort them and file them away for future rental. This affords me a unique opportunity to find new exciting films to kee me entertained on lonely nights when my boyfriend isn't around and a suitable replacement cannot be found. For every gem and rarity I find while cleaning your dvds, I also find, in spades, a thousand copies of the latest piece of shit to roll off of assembly lines. 

When I first started, it was The Last Song, starring Miley Cyrus. This week, it has been The Last Airbender. Setting aside the other piece of monumental shit entitled Avatar that stole the title duly belonging to this movie, I am astounded at the unfortunate state of entertainment in the city of Omaha. I'm sorry. From now on, you are not permitted to choose your own Netflix rentals. Period. Understood? I will submit a list of acceptable rentals weekly, and you will choose from there. That said, I decided that this movie deserved a fair look. 

So, I did what anybody with a Netflix account would do. I downloaded it illegally via torrent. Oh shut up, you knew that was coming. I'm not filling a spot in my queue with this crap. Are you kidding me?! i'm about 55 minutes into the film which, at 1:43:17 long, is already disappointing. I am torn to shreds that some of my favorite lines, scenes and episodes from the first season aren't even touched on. Iroh is nowhere near as charming and pleasant as he should be. The fire nation are... Persians? 

And why on earth isn't anybody able to say the word Avatar correctly??! Why is Katara so effortlessly permitted to learn water bending? Why doesn't the princess think that Sokka is a douchetool? Why is Sokka kicking so much ass?! And what is up with this shitastic green screening? I'm just shocked and astounded at how horrible this has been. Had I a soule, I would be moved to tears and would cry for the loss of this fantastic series.

If there is a sequel made, I will kill anybody that ruins it any further. This is worse than the Harry Potter movies, and don't even get me started on those. My final thoughts? Don't even bother. if you haven't seen it, don't. If you have seen it, plead to the Gods for those two hours back.