A Night At The Roxbury

"Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because I swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island."

So, I work at a certain mail-order movie rental service. Part of my job involves opening the envelopes sent in by you, the consumer, and cleaning them, then storing them so they can be processed and go back out to our valuable consumers. A pleasant side-effect of my job is the opportunity to smirk at the movies we get and sometimes make fun of people who rent things like Veggie Tales, or The Chronicles of Narnia.

Today though, while opening DVDs, I found two that stood out in my head, and stuck with me all the way home. The first was in an envelope that had the distinct scent of KB. If you think that stands for kilobytes, you should probably just keep thinking that and not pay attention to the following paragraph or two, and just skip to the second DVD I found. I'll mark the beginning of the second DVD with something noticeable.

So, like I was saying, I open the envelope and the scent of fresh bud fills my nose, so I'm expecting a C&C movie, or maybe something like Harold & Kumar. Now, of course not. What do pull out. Disc Two of Jorge Cervantes : Ultimate Grow. Oh never heard of it? Didn't think so. This would be a film produced by High Times Magazine, and filled with step by step instructions on setting up indoor grow operations. Now, I neither condone, nor condemn the use of recreational drugs. My general thought is that my mom gets her Xanax, and my cousins get 13 medications each. You can have you drugs. I'll even let you do them in my house. Hell, I've also been known to be a babysitter for people under the influence of hallucinogens.

These things said, REALLY?! You're going to rent a movie about setting up an indoor grow operation in fucking NEBRASKA?! Seriously. You're going to end up on a DEA watchlist doing stupid shit like that. You think they don't have drug dogs that check out the fucking post office from time to time? I mean come on! You have to resort to a Netflix DVD? You obviously have the internet,see the aforementioned Netflix Account. Why not avoid something as straight-forward as ordering a DVD via Netflix and just look that shit up?! At the very least, don't send the DVD back in an envelope that makes an entire warehouse wreak of pot. C'mon pothead! Think next time.

****DVD two. At first glance, this DVD was uninteresting. It is a dark green dvd with a neon rhino on it. I must have seen this DVD a thousand times. This time though, I checked in it, and cleaned it right before a break, so it stood on top of my stack for a few minutes, and I happened to read the title, "Zombie Strippers" As if the concept of Zombie Strippers wasn't enough to make you intrigued, I've taken the liberty of showing the description of said-movie as well.

A deadly government-controlled virus strikes a small Nebraska strip club, where the head dancer is quickly infected and transformed into a flesh-eating zombie -- and becomes an instant hit with the customers. To be or not to be a zombie: That is the question facing the remaining jealous strippers in this outrageous horror comedy, starring slasher icon Robert Englund (best known as Freddy Krueger) and adult-entertainment icon Jenna Jameson.

Question: Why the hell was NEBRASKA chosen as the setting for this film?! More importantly, what is sexy about zombie strippers?!  Even more importantly, how did they get Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund to be in the same film?

Needless to say, both films have been added to my queue, and the second is available to watch instantly.