Here's what you missed on GLEE! It's Tuesday in Ohio. Kurt, Carole and Burt strut down the halls of MHS, Kurt with a signature clueless look on, and they find Finn, our resident frankenteen to tell him that Burt proposed just a few moments ago.
We learn that Kurt has a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under his bed, if you were surprised about this, you obviously haven't been watching this show, and probably shouldn't be reading my gleecap. Also along that line of thought, Kurt is going to put together a wedding in no time at all. I don't know how much Say Yes to the Dress you watch, but I know damn well that it takes a helluva lot of time to plan a wedding. We also learn that Burt has some savings to use for a honeymoon, and that he intends to buy a new house, specifically, "one where everybody has their own room."
Long story short: They're having a glee wedding.
This cuts to the title card, and then Principal Sue Sylvester packaging wedding invitations which prompts a flashback cut to a segment of The Way Sue Sees It when she discovers that her ex, the doucheanchor is getting married to the cuntanchor. Naturally, Sue does what everybody in this situation would do. She resorts to online dating using a thinly-veiled assault on eHarmony named eDesperate, where she discovers that she is her only natural match. Frankly, I can see the attraction. I know damn well that I'm the best match for me so it only makes sense. Let's face it, if we could date clones of ourselves in body, mind and spirit, we would. That is the true test of vanity.
As a side note, we discover that under the heading of 'The things I am most passionate about:' Sue lists, "Extreme Taxidermy, Tantric Yelling, Poking the Elderly with Hidden Pins..." I have to say I would engage in all of these activities if given the opportunity. As such, if anybody would like to engage in these activities, please feel free to get a hold of me, we'll make it a date. Not the sexy kind though. I have a boyfriend, or something like that.
So, Sue decides to marry herself.
CUT! Sexy-transition to the weight-room where we find Sam working on his guns. Finn and Sam pull out the rulers and drop their zippers for a couple minutes, which leads to an awkward drumroll-transition to the room where Sam and Quinn first practiced their Duet. This is where we learn hat whoever is responsible for continuity actually managed to make something work right when Quinn points out they've known each other for 'six weeks'. There was something about a promise ring, and then a flat-out refusal, hidden behind a maybe.
Kurt is already planning the wedding and intends to feed glitter to doves so that their poo doesn't cause a mess. Sadly, I'd considered this myself. There is another incredibly intense scene between Karofsky and Kurt that seems to border on erotic, but in a backroom leather sort of way that left me feeling kind of broken on the inside. We continue this storyline with a trip to Principal Sue's office.
This whole scene really hits home with me. Growing up in a school that didn't have the zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, and being the only openly gay man at said school, I found myself routinely the object of bullying, ridicule and death-threats. It's rough when there is noting the school can 'legally' do. I'm proud of Ryan Murphy for bringing to light a very real problem in our schools. Not only on behalf of gay youth, but on behalf of all the people who either can't or won't speak up for themselves.
There is a great moment when Kurt tells Sue that calling him 'Lady' is hurtful. She apologizes offering him three nicknames, and he picks 'porcelain' which is probably the best nickname ever in the history of mankind. This is the one time I will permit picking one's own nickname without kicking them in the shins. Kudos for excellent writing Mr. Jewish writer-guy.
As shocking as it may seem, Rachel is next seen standing in front of the coupled glee girls. I'm impressed. It took nine whole minutes for them to show Lea Michele's face! Nothing against Lea, she's a sensational vocalist, and her character is second to none, but frankly, I'm sick of looking at her and hearing her voice. I'm so much more dedicated to the other storylines right now.
She begs Brittany, Quinn and Tina to speak with their footballer boyfriends and get them to stick up for, and support Kurt. Quinn quickly goes on defense and says she isn't dating Sam. Brittany essentially tells Tina to fucking deal with it, and Tina just sort of looks depress(ed/ing). Santana makes brief stop to call Rachel short and make it painfully clear that she thinks she's in a relationship with Puck when really, everybody knows it's just fucking. Is it just me or is Santana being phased out? I feel like I'm seeing her less and less. Mercedes too. It's almost as if those unaffiliated with the football team aren't all that important anymore.
Enter Carole Burnett as Doris Sylvester, the smart-talking, Nazi-hunting mother of Principal Sue. They talk about abandonment and they humanize Sue even more. I'm not supposed to fucking like her dammit! They call Phoenix a hell-hole, and really they're just setting up a musical number, which at 13 minutes still hasn't happened.
Rachel and Finn have an argument which essentially sets the tone that Finn won't be stepping up to Kurt's defense anytime soon. Rachel uses the mom-line, "I'm really disappointed in you."
Meanwhile, in the locker room, Wheels and Other-Asian approach Closetcase and get intense. Closetcase pushes Other-Asian into Wheels, which leads to Blondie and Closet getting into a fist fight. Black eye on Blondie FTW! The heroes are heralded and Finn is berated by everybody else for not stepping up to the plate to bat for Kurt. Sam is glorified for his awesomeness, a lot. Rightfully so, what he did was more than just heroic. It was a sensational move on his part toward kickassitude.
In the auditorium, t 16 minutes, we get our first song. I said it last time, and I'll say it again, 16 minutes is too damn long to wait for a song. Dear Ryan Murphy, BALANCE! Love, joshie. That said, Carole Burnett is still astounding vocally. We have a mother-daughter duet that acts to further humanize Sue, which acts to further piss me off and make me doubt my feelings about the character! I think I liked it a lot more when we knew to hate Sue and leave it at that. I'm not thrilled with the pacing of this episode, it seems a little bit choppy and off-kilter.
Kurt gives Burt and Finn a crash-course in ballroom dancing, which of course leads to Karofsky walking by and seeing Finn and Kurt holding hands to dance, which of course leads to Karofsky being a dick, which of course leads to Burt nearly killing Karofsky, which of course leads to a parent-teacher-conference, which of course leads to Karofsky being expelled, which of course leads to a feeling of relief in Kurt, which of course leads to ANGST! Through it all, Kurt still doesn't reveal Karofsky's secret, which is both noble and wise. If people knew half of the jocks who made out with me in high school, it would make being gay a lot easier.
At the wedding, Santana and Finn have some sort of discussion about being honest, or something like that. I didn't pay attention. I kept getting distracted by her gigantor tits. (In case you forgot that her character got a boob job over the summer. )
24 minutes and we get another song. Let me just say that this is going to be my wedding. Period, If I get married, I'm having my wedding party dance down the aisle and have a kick-ass song to sing. Seriously. This wedding is made of win, and put together in a matter of days. These are the miracles that gay men are capable of. As a side note, the best portion of the sequence is Artie with his rhythm gymnastics ribbons. Not joking. Seriously. Burt still can't dance and looks adequately self-conscious, which makes me thrilled with the acting.
Carole looks a hot tranny mess. Pick-ups, ruching, and a lace bolero jacket do not a wedding-dress make. Seriously. Remember that Say Yes to the Dress plug earlier? Randy would be flabbergasted! Carole looks like the bride of chucky! Her earring are ungodly, and her veil is unacceptable. The whole outfit distracts me from some really heart-felt exchanges between Burt, Kurt, Carole and Finn. The ensuing scene is a great emotional moment with nice cut-aways and steadycam shots of both audience and wedding party. Sensational acting all around.
29 minutes. Third song is Will Schuester, thank god this is the first we've really seen of him this episode. This is actually a great reception scene. They're having a lot of fun with it. unfortuantely Carole's dress still looks a hot tranny mess and now the pickups have been pinned up for dancing, which just looks tacky and disappointing. Song is over by 31 minutes.
Finn makes a toast, as every good son should. Then we get a bit of fan-service. Finchel, Puckelberry, and FURT! Kurt has this great look of appreciation and happiness. I really am appreciative of Chris Colfer for what he brings to this show. His acting is sensational, and his voice is perfect for the role. As a thank-you for the wedding, the glee club has put together a number for Kurt. It seems more like a number for their girlfriends, but oh well, who care, at 32 minutes, we get the next song, oh did I say next, I meant final. Yeah. Songs all fell into an 18 minutes portion of the 46 minute long episode.
Slow dance with Kurt and Finn is a really touching grown-up moment, and the hug they have is probably the most emotional moment I've seen in a television show in a damn long time. We have the bride and groom dance, and the couples get together. (Including Kurt & Mercedes)
Some other stuff happens, but I was too fascinated by the dress to pay much attention to their bullshit. To round out the episode, Quinn puts on Sam's ring, Principal Sue becomes Coach Sue again, Karofsky's expulsion is reversed, Figgins' return is foretold, and Kurt is told that his new Mommy & Daddy are willing to set aside their honeymoon to pay tuition for Kurt to go to Dalton Academy.
Kurt makes that announcement in the past 20 sconds of the episode, which means that the glee club doesn't have the members for competition next week at sectionals. This also means that Kurt will be competing against them at Sectionals. The final words of the episode are, "I'm sorry. I have to go."
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