I might be crazy

Josh and I live around the corner from a gas station. I occasionally procure things there. The last couple of times I have gone down there, the same guy has been there, standing in the exact same place, and he always feels the need to talk to me.

The first time I noted this was when I walked down there in my pajamas, without brushing my hair, or doing anything to give the appearance that I gave a crap about my appearance. And what does this guy say to me? "I hate to see a pretty girl buy cigarettes." Really? REALLY? Way to not get your point across well dude. Should've tried a different approach, or not tried to convince me that I should quit smoking because your ugly self hates to see a "pretty" girl buying them.

So I went in there today before work. I was all made up, because I do that for work. And he's there again. And tries to talk to me about how he "hates to see that" and I ignore him. Because he's a stranger lecturing me about my life choices. And then he says "Oh I get it. Those are for someone else?" in a tone that implies I'm trying to pull a fast one on him. I inform him they are for me and go on my way.

It just seems weird, I don't know.

But the real reason I think I'm crazy is that I'm pretty sure I'm hallucinating. About a week ago I saw a laser pointer... point thing on my wall. My blinds and door were shut and I was alone. It wasn't a fleeting thing, I noticed it and looked at it moving for a while.

And then today it happened again at work. Which would be less weird, because there could be a kid screwing around, but a quick glance around showed me there was NOT A SINGLE PERSON standing at the angle required to get that light where it was.

So I'm losing it.

(The picture was only chosen because I should have used it on my last post and because it's kinda crazy)

A Night At The Roxbury

"Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because I swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island."

So, I work at a certain mail-order movie rental service. Part of my job involves opening the envelopes sent in by you, the consumer, and cleaning them, then storing them so they can be processed and go back out to our valuable consumers. A pleasant side-effect of my job is the opportunity to smirk at the movies we get and sometimes make fun of people who rent things like Veggie Tales, or The Chronicles of Narnia.

Today though, while opening DVDs, I found two that stood out in my head, and stuck with me all the way home. The first was in an envelope that had the distinct scent of KB. If you think that stands for kilobytes, you should probably just keep thinking that and not pay attention to the following paragraph or two, and just skip to the second DVD I found. I'll mark the beginning of the second DVD with something noticeable.

So, like I was saying, I open the envelope and the scent of fresh bud fills my nose, so I'm expecting a C&C movie, or maybe something like Harold & Kumar. Now, of course not. What do pull out. Disc Two of Jorge Cervantes : Ultimate Grow. Oh never heard of it? Didn't think so. This would be a film produced by High Times Magazine, and filled with step by step instructions on setting up indoor grow operations. Now, I neither condone, nor condemn the use of recreational drugs. My general thought is that my mom gets her Xanax, and my cousins get 13 medications each. You can have you drugs. I'll even let you do them in my house. Hell, I've also been known to be a babysitter for people under the influence of hallucinogens.

These things said, REALLY?! You're going to rent a movie about setting up an indoor grow operation in fucking NEBRASKA?! Seriously. You're going to end up on a DEA watchlist doing stupid shit like that. You think they don't have drug dogs that check out the fucking post office from time to time? I mean come on! You have to resort to a Netflix DVD? You obviously have the internet,see the aforementioned Netflix Account. Why not avoid something as straight-forward as ordering a DVD via Netflix and just look that shit up?! At the very least, don't send the DVD back in an envelope that makes an entire warehouse wreak of pot. C'mon pothead! Think next time.

****DVD two. At first glance, this DVD was uninteresting. It is a dark green dvd with a neon rhino on it. I must have seen this DVD a thousand times. This time though, I checked in it, and cleaned it right before a break, so it stood on top of my stack for a few minutes, and I happened to read the title, "Zombie Strippers" As if the concept of Zombie Strippers wasn't enough to make you intrigued, I've taken the liberty of showing the description of said-movie as well.

A deadly government-controlled virus strikes a small Nebraska strip club, where the head dancer is quickly infected and transformed into a flesh-eating zombie -- and becomes an instant hit with the customers. To be or not to be a zombie: That is the question facing the remaining jealous strippers in this outrageous horror comedy, starring slasher icon Robert Englund (best known as Freddy Krueger) and adult-entertainment icon Jenna Jameson.

Question: Why the hell was NEBRASKA chosen as the setting for this film?! More importantly, what is sexy about zombie strippers?!  Even more importantly, how did they get Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund to be in the same film?

Needless to say, both films have been added to my queue, and the second is available to watch instantly. 

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows : Part One, Installment 2

Firstly, let me apologize for waiting so long to post my review for the second half of the latest potter film. I had it finished, and was moments away from posting it, when I was abruptly contacted by no less than four people who frequent this blog and happen to be good friends of mine. All of whom begged me not to post the remainder until the film had been out at least a week. So, it sat in my computer waiting to be posted. In the meantime, I got so distracted by other bits and pieces of blogworthiness and real life, that I completely let it slip my mind until last evning when the lovely Essie McClay reminded me that I hadn't posted it yet. So, here I am fresh home from job1, posting said completion for your enjoyment.

When we last left our Potter Pals, Harry, Ron and Hermione were at the Black household discussing the whereabouts of the Locket that Regulus Black sotle from Voldemort quite sometime ago. We learn that Mundungus Douchebag has stolen it, along with a number of other possessions which Kreacher is none-too-thrilled about losing to the bastard. Harry's suspicions that ownership fo Kreacher reverted to him after Sirius' death is once and for all confirmed when he commands Kreacher to find and deliver Mundungus.

The next few scenes are of Death Eaters searching for Harry. While visually stunning, they seem a bit unneeded. Cutting to the Undesirable posters, we stop in at the Ministry, where we get to FINALLY see my FAVORITE CHARACTER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HARRY POTTER!  I mean Dolores Umbridge of course. She lets out her signature giggle of delight and there is some dark music followed by the declaration that the Ministry is looking in blood purity, suggesting that the Death Eaters have taken control of the Ministry of Magic.

Cut back to the Black household, to find that Dobby, that annoying little fucker, and Kreacher, the grumpy little elf, have brought Douchebag to Harry. They confront him about the locket, while Dobby spends the time being an obnoxious little shit. God I wish he'd just die already. No seriously. I definitely said that in my head when I was reading the book. We discover that Dolores has taken the locket from Mundungus, which means that in order to retrieve it, The Potter Pals must go to the Ministry.

i don't even want to talk about the upcoming scene. It pisses me off. It is so unexplained in the movie. The book did a much better job at making it make sense. *sigh* They take on the form of three Ministry Employees through the use of Polyjuice potion. I really do love that this has become a catch-all for them. I am not thrilled about the polyjuice use, or the fact that it doesn't work in the movies like it does in the books, but I will sugger through it.

Entering the Ministry via toilet, our three heroes meet up and head to the courtyard, where we see a STUNNING rendition of the central statue. I'm very happy about the attention to detail paid to the statue. It was wonderfully described in the books, which made me thrilled. TPP hop onto an elevator, and we don't get to see the inter-office memos. I really liked them, but I guess I will just deal with it. The Wonka-vator stops, and lets on Dolores, looking adorable in her cute little pink two-piece suit. Harry gets off, and heads for Umbridge's office. The MudBlood Danger Pamphlets are looking beautiful, as are the toys from WWW which allow Harry to get into Dolores' office to search for the locket.

Her office is just as amazing as it was at hogwarts, cute little porcelain cups, and kitties everywhere. Harry looks for the locket, but finds, instead, some interesting documents with regards to the Order of the Phoenix Members, including a heart-wrenching one of Albus. While it isn't shown, harry grabs Mad-Eye's eye, and reunites with Ron to go meet up with Hermione in the HORRIBLE recreation of the trial. I remember reading this scene and loving it for the palpable sense of fear that washed over me while I envisioned it. The dichotomy of Dolores is terrifying and makes me giddy with delight. They get the locket, as Harry unpolyjuices, and they make a rather messy escape.

The interjection of humor into these scenes was much needed. Asmuch as it would have suited the film to have been dark and terrible the entire time, it jsut doesn't make for entertainment and the sharp contrasts are a beautifl device to lure the audience into a false sense of security.

I will pause and say that the apparation scene as they escape the ministry is disappointing. It is too fast, and blurry to make much sense at all. if you hadn't read the book, it wouldn't make sense that they're in the woods, and would make even less sense as to why they aren't at the Black household. Ron loses a chunk of his shoulder, and Hermione sets to setting up protection enchantments, while Harry pulls out the Wizard tent, which is the most amazing invention ever. Plain and simple, if anybody out there has magic, I will trade you sexual favors for a Wizard's Tent. I'm just sayin'.

Pointlessly, they try to destroy the locket with magic via wand. Ron has this amazing look on his face the whole time. Something in between 'what's that smell' and 'well that was boring'. He gets all smartassed too, which sets the scene for Harry being pissed at him for the next few weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I forget to mention that they spend the next eighteen chapters of the book jsut wandering aimlessly through the woods? Yeah. This is probably the most boring part of the movie, Matter of fact, aside from the memories of Dumbledore that Harry gets from the locket, you could probably take a nap if you were at the theatre. There is a fight between H, H & R. Eventually, Ron leaves the group. I HATE it when he leaves, and where he goes. le sigh. He's supposed to go home, but of course, for whatever reason, he doesn't. It's kind of fucking annoying really. Such a small detail that doesn't need anything more than a line to acknowledge it, and they don't bother.

Before he leaves though, they come to the shocking realization that the sword will destroy the horcruxes. It's not like any retard could have figured that out ages ago or anything. Another relocation to another part of the middle of fucking nowhere, which includes more moping and angst than I've ever seen in my entire fucking life. It's like this whole twenty-minute portion is nothing just an exercise in emo-fashion-Harry.

FINALLY, Harry kisses the snitch, which reads, "I open at the close.". Likewise, Hermione stops being a dumbass, and finds the sign of the Deathly Hallows, and Harry makes the tie back to Luna's daddy. On top of that, all of a sudden, shit goes forward, when Harry suggests they go to Godric's Hollow.

They meet a disguised Nagini, who tries to eat Harry. Dark lord gets summoned, and they escape to ... you guessed it, the fucking woods again. Doe patronus in the woods leads Harry to a frozen lake, which happens to have the sword at the bottom. Diving in, he starts to drown thanks to the death-locket. Ron saves the day, which is when we learn that he wasn't at home like he was supposed to be. Ron destroys the locket with the sword, we now have three horcruxes down, with four more to go. Well... kinda.

For those keeping score at home: Tom Riddle's Diary: Done. Marvolo Gaunt's Ring: Done. Salazar Slytherin's Locket: Done. Remaining are: Helga Hufflepuff's Cup, hiding in the Lestrange Family Vault. Rowena Ravenclaw's Diadem, hiding in the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts Castle. Nagini, which is next to Voldemort's side at all times starting now, and even in a flating bubble of awesome later on, and finally, Harry Potter himself. This is where I point out that absolutely nothing else to move the story forward to the inevitable conclusion happens in either the book of the movie until the battle at Hogwarts which happens in the last two chapters of the book.

Yep. All of those horcruxes, yep, all getting destroyed at the end of the next film.

After some heartwamring blahblah, they go to see Mr. Lovegood who tells them about the deathly hallows, and in the meantime, summons death eaters. I really love the illustrations of the story. It really is beautiful. There is something about abstract computer generated images that really gets my heart moving. It really is beautiful. post-betrayal, the Potter Pals go running through the ... wait for it .... wait for it .... WAIT FOR IT! Through the mother-fucking woods. Where they are captured, and taken to the Malfoy Manor. By the way, still not albino peacocks. Seriously, how hard would it have been to get a few albino peacocks? dammit. harry is disguised by Hermione, and they continue with a number of flashes of Voldemort searching for the Elder Wand.

Oh, in case you didn't know, because there is no fucking explanation in the movie, Voldemort is looking for the elder wand because he thinks it can overcome the connection he shares with Harry and cause him pain. The other two hallows would be Harry's invisibility cloak, and Marvolo Gaunt's ring. Oh btw, the wand is in Dumbledore's tomb, you know the big white one?

Anyway, the Potter Pals are being held captive at the Malfoy Manor, along with Olivader and Luna and some others. Harry uses a shard of a magic mirror to converse with Dumbledore's brother, who sends Dobby while a captive goblin tells the Lestrange bitch that  the sword she has stolen from Harry and Pals is a fake.

The best lines in the entire movie are, unfortunately, spoken by Dobby. When asked if he can help the others escape from the dungeon, Dobby replies, "Of course sir, I'm an elf." When accused of almost killing Bellatrix Lestrange, Dobby says, "Dobby never meant to kill anyone, only maim, or seriously injure."

There is a huge fight, some people get disarmed, and some other people get hurt. Again, Dobby saves the fucking day. We're supposed to like him and his annoyingness. As the appears on the beach with Harry, Hermione and Ron, he is standing with a knife in him.

Harry give him a proper burial, no magic involved. Finally, the movie ends with Voldemort breaking into Dumbledore's tomb and taking the elder wand.

Soundtrack by Katrina: Holiday Edition

I don't know about you guys, but in my house growing up Christmas music was all you heard starting the day after Thanksgiving. I have a tendency to listen to a little bit of it all year, but I definitely listen to more after Thanksgiving. So I thought I'd share some of my favorite Christmas/Holiday related jams.

1. Pink Martini - Schedryk (Ukrainian Bell Carol)



Okay so I already shared this on Facebook, but I really wanted to put something from this album on here. Really what I wanted was Elohai N'tzor, but I can't find it on YouTube... so yeah. Basically this album is solid gold and I recommend getting it to everyone. I haven't gotten this much out of a Christmas album in a while and it basically makes me happy.

2. Sufjan Stevens - It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!



Out of the 42 Sufjan Christmas songs I have (and let me say that his Songs for Christmas collection is also recommended) this one is probably the catchiest. I didn't want to pick on of the covers of classics, even if they are all great. It sounds like Christmas to me. The demands to be glad, sang in a sort of whiney downtrodden-ish voice really sums up most Christmases I've experienced.

3. Bright Eyes - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas



I like sad Christmas songs! They're the ones I tend to listen to year round. Holidays are sad you guys! I tend to find Conor Oberst hilarious no matter what he's trying to pull off, but the melancholy really works for this song. So if you feel like getting the holiday blues throw this on.

4. From White Christmas - Snow



It wasn't Christmas in our house without watching White Christmas. This song always had a special place in my heart. It's not really a holiday specific song (okay "what is Christmas with no snow" counts, but whatever), but it reminds me why I used to love snow (before I started driving). Plus it's just so much fun to sing along to!

5. Bing Crosby & Rosemary Clooney - Silver Bells



Is it cheating to do repeat artists? I don't care. Silver Bells is awesome, Bing Crosby is awesome, and Rosemary Clooney is extra awesome.

Sorry there wasn't much written about the songs. I think holiday songs tend to speak for themselves. Maybe I'll post something legit in the next couple of days.

I NO WUT U DID LST SUMMER

 "Is the dried-out, washed-up has-been having a moment?"

I H8 UR TXTSPK. I accept and acknowledge that language grows, and evolves. I understand that written communication, lexicon and pronunciation have changed drastically since the development of both written and oral communication. i also accept that we, as a people, have established a clear, well-defined, rational vocabulary, including recognized, and commonly accepted spelling, punctuation and grammar. I also acknowledge that I am not perfect. I make mistakes in spelling, punctuation and grammar, on a regular basis. I invent new words that are outrageous and irregular in design, but which are easily understood through context or roots. I am easily understood. I use full and complete sentences, whenever possible, punctuate appropriately, regardless of whether I may miss a comma, or misuse a semicolon. I am very lenient because I only read and write at a high-school graduate level.

These things said, I hate your obsessive-compulsive use of 'text-speak'. As it stands, the vast majority of adults only read and write at an 8th grade level. This is the level which includes words such as desolate, articulate, fastidious, trepidation and abet. A 12th grade reading level barely adds the terms chicanery, hegemony, participle, pulchritudinous and enervate. Adding in your SAT terms brings out words like ameliorate, whereupon, gesticulate, fruition and perigee. If you had to look up less-than five of those words, I am impressed. You can stop reading right here. If you had to look up between 5 & 8 of those words, you are ok, and I don't hold you responsible. if you had to look up more than 8 of them, I am disgusted. Why are you reading my blog? Why are we even friends? How do you function?

This is not hyperbole. I am serious. Of those fifteen terms, the most any adult, born and raised in the public school system in the United States of America, should have to look up is 6. These terms were taken from the National Assessment of Adult Literacy which was headed by the US Department of Education, Institute of Education Sciences. As of the year 2008, national studies conducted by researchers in the United States have provided a clear indication that 40% of adults  either perform at, or below, basic levels of proficiency in written communication.

This isn't about literacy rates. This is about people who write the following dribble to me via their cell phones.

"i no ur bissy but can we chill 2nite?"
"I know you're busy, but can we chill tonight?"

"i cnt breack in2 ther thows r pryvit homs"
"I can't break into there. Those are private homes."

"i cant wate 4 x mas"
"I can't wait for Christmas."

"will u at less say hi 2 me its much easyer than u thnk!!!!!!! u can evan do it fia email!"
"Will you at least say, 'Hi,' to me? It's much easier than you think. You can even do it via email."

This is also about people who use numbers instead of letters. Whether it is the use of numbers to represent missing letters due to the sound (id est: 8 to replace 'ate') or the use of 'leet' whereby one replaces letters with numbers which resemble the letter in question (id est: E becomes 3, L becomes 1, A becomes 4, or T becomes 7.).

This is also about people who refuse to use punctuation in their communications. The following is a direct quote from a text I have saved in my cell specifically to point out why I hate these people.

"careful w irakli he is a desint guy bt he liks ppl 2 fall in2 traps so careful w wut u say n how u say it cuz u will dig ur hol rly fast w him."
"Careful with Irakli. He is a decent guy, but he likes people to fall into traps. So careful with what you say and how you say it, because you will dig your hole really fast with him."

Aside from causing me physical pain when I read these things, I feel emotional and mental anguish from the translation process. Are you aware that taking the extra three seconds to actually type out the entire word saves me approximately 10 minutes per text message. Again, no hyperbole here. These are legitimate figures that I have field tested. The average carrier allows for 140 uninterrupted characters in every text message. Some even go to 160 characters. You would be amazed at how much you can squeeze into 160 characters. I like to think of it as an opportunity to exercise conciseness and a chance to evaluate which characters are truly essential to convey how I feel.

I can make certain concessions for time and (mult)iTap. I can understand if you have the occasional slip up or typo in your text messages. These are to be expected. In today's modern era of knowledge, technology and awareness though, continued, constant use of these shortcuts to hell are an unforgivable offense. It is likely that I won't reply to you, and will most likely make fun of you behind your back, sometimes even to your face. If I know you, and am your friend, compatriot, coworker, family member or enemy, I would hope that your intelligence is higher than mine, if not at least on par.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Please note that I encourage, and engage in, the use of abbreviations in spoken communication and in an effort to add humor or light-heartedness to something else. Case in point, my use of GTFO in my flowchart earlier, and my common usage of IDK in common verbal communication. Please note that humor trumps any and all rules of lexicon, but should be relied upon infrequently as a excuse.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

 "I want to be a good person" -- Gilbert

Since you are retarded and incapable of figuring this out on your own, I have created the following flowchart. Please note that nowhere on this flowchart do you have the option to include a bitchy post-it with your DVD. KTHXBAI..

The views expressed in this blog are those of the individual authors and neither represent nor reflect the views, opinions, policy or position of Netflix INC, it's subsidiaries or it's parent corporations.

Twilight: My (not so secret anymore) shame

So... I watched Eclipse last night, thanks to Josh getting me a DVD rip of it a little bit early. I definitely got a kick out of it, but I think you need some background on me and Twilight.

I started out confused. I think the first time I heard of it was seeing a group on Facebook called something like "I can never find real love because I read Twilight" or some lame crap like that. I made a note in my brain that such a thing existed and moved on.

Then came the hate portion. I figured out what it was, got some minor details filled in, and swore to never read the books. Ever. Because they (really are) terrible.

Then I saw the first movie with a friend who loves the series and one who hates it. I had sort of moved into the "this could be funny" camp at this point, and figured it would it least be worth it for the reactions of the hate-y friend.

I like to know things, so I needed further information about the series following the (admittedly hilarious, awful, and mustache-tastic) movie. So I turned to Cleolinda over at LJ. Which just got me in deeper. Reading about the series from the perspective of someone who neither loves it blindly or hates it completely really turned me around on it. She compares it to a twinkie a lot, if I recall correctly, because it is light and fluffy, but oddly satisfying. I think it was Growing Up Cullen that finally pushed me over the edge though. I really recommend reading that whether or not you're into the series. It really changed the way I read the books.

Which, yes, I did do. My sister gave me the first one for my birthday and I ate it up. I got the other three and had them all read within a ... month? Maybe. I would get into the proper mindset, which is to say I would smoke copious amounts of weed, and settle in to read. I don't think any other books have ever made me laugh so hard.

That's not to say I don't get some straight, having lady parts enjoyment from the series. I can't get behind the message (you need a boyfriend to be a real person, stalkers are okay, etc.) but I don't want to talk about that. You can find that all over the internet. We all know the series is shit.

But anyway! Now that you've gotten my life story, on to the movie.

The first thing that made me grab a notebook and pen was that every time the Cullens are on screen together (save while at school. You know. That one time.) they talk about the Volturi, the newborn army, blah blah blah. But they don't sleep. You can't talk about the same thing all the time. Do they do anything else? This is why I consider Growing Up Cullen canon, because it delves into how they fill their free time.

The next thing I noticed was that the movies are completely different from the books, because they lack constant Bella derived narration. If it was possible to watch the movies without knowing what the point of the series is (Bella/Edward 4eva you guys), you could get the idea that it is a tale of a young girl who got mixed up in a serious, dangerously co-dependent relationship, but will make the right call in the end. This is really apparent when she goes to visit her mom. Watch that scene forgetting what you know, and it'll seem like Bella will dump Edward at the end of the movie, go to college in Florida and live a full happy life. This take away some of the hilarity, because while the books continue to remind you that Bella is a total moron who doesn't deserve to live, the movies almost make her seem like a real person. (Okay when I say movies I mean Eclipse. New Moon's Bella who is only capable of screaming and moping for MONTHS on end is nowhere near a real person.)

On to a legitimate improvement from the book: "I kissed Bella. And she broke her hand. Punching my face." is what Jacob tells Charlie after exactly what he said happened happened. In the book it's "[Bella] thinks she broke her hand" ... "How did she do that?" ... "She hit me." ... "Why did she hit you?" ... "Because I kissed her." ... "Good for you, kid." Which... I'm sorry? You're daughter just got roughly the equivalent of raped in this abstinence only universe, was so offended she punched him, and broke (okay sprained) her hand and you congratulate the guy who did it? Uncool Sheriff Mustache. Uncool. The movies version both skips out on the congratulatory Charlie bit and allows Taylor Lautner to really utilize his wooden delivery style for maximum laughs.

But the funniest moment in the movie has to got to go to Rosalie. She apparently burst in to murder her fiance who gang raped her and left her for dead in a wedding dress, saying "I was a little theatrical back then." This has to be intentionally hilarious though, right? Who knows. I wish I could get a screenshot, but I fail at making them and can't seem to find one on the internet, but it's solid gold, let me tell you.

I have a few more notes, but meh! I've talked enough about Twilight for a lifetime already. I guess I should mention that I don't get why Bella doesn't put on a coat while walking around outside on top of the mountain that she nearly froze to death on the night before, but who can expect logic?

Toodles.

GLEE : The Great Debate - Part II

David Karofsky, Sam Evans, Blaine Noname.

This has been an ongoing internal debate for the past several weeks. Combining spoilers, pre-series interviews with cast/crew, and subverted scenes/reactions from the show itself, I have decided to finally weigh in on what my brain has dubbed 'The Great Debate, Part II' It's Part II because Part I is in My internal debate as to whether or not Sam Evans is indeed gay. I'm going to weigh in on that in one sentence, "Sam Evans is indeed a homosexual character. If not, he is definitely bisexual. Period."

This said. Accepting the fact that the show is currently casting for four new male characters, at least three of which are possible recurring roles, and that interviews with Ryan Murphy, who is notorious for misleading his audience with regards to character reveals in this series so far (see also: "Idina Menzel will not be Rachel's mother"), has stated that in this current season there will be three new gay characters revealed and that one of them will be playing the role of Kurt's boyfriend, I am confident in ranking the three existing options in order from most-likely to least-likely.

1: Sam Evans. i know, I know nobody wants to believe that the golden boy is the gay one. Considering in-character statements made, reaction shots to Kurt's performances/situation/lines, tell-tale blocking and confusing character history, I am confident that he is the most logical choice, barring the revelation of a new option in the second half of the season with this current casting rush. Plain and simple, his reactions to being flat-out asked about his sexuality, his defense of Kurt, his intentional ambiguity when asked about his past, his experience at a mysterious all boys boarding school (ahem dalton), all signs point to yes. Furthermore, his near-constant obsession with his insecurities, and his immediate devotion to Quinn suggests that he has something to hide, and that he is willing to go to whatever lengths to hide it entirely.

2: Mystery New Cast Member: Described on the casting roster as follows:

MALE (18 - 20s; any ethnicity) - 18 or over to play high school. he is a football player who is takk. He should be a good-looking, well-built jock. LARGE CO-STAR, RECURRING

With Murphy's assertion that Kurt's boyfriend will be a football player, this seems like the next likely ideal. All things considered, I still rank Mystery Boy above the other two because of show canon, and future character development.

3: David Karofsky. This was originally my first pick, but while evaluating the other three options, I decided against it. I don't think Kurt has it within him to forgive the bullying and let this be a real possibility. Granted, I would be very pleasantly surprised if it did happen. I have wanted this from the beginning and I think it would add a stark, stunning new level of storytelling to the series that would be genuinely refreshing and engaging. Not to mention be a very close mirror to my first real relationship, and several other itneractions of my past. Realistically though, Karofsky will transfer away from WMHS before the end of the season, and won't return. His character, while remarkable, is neither important, nor essential in the grand-scheme of things.

4: Blaine Noname. If the character doesn't have a last name by his third appearance/reference, he's going to disappear without much effort eventually. They only gave Brittany a last name because she was promoted to primary cast. They had every intention of her only being a throw-away one-off character. If Blaine was intended to be the boyfriend, he'd have that story carved out already. if I'm proven wrong in this regard, I will be genuinely surprised, and I won't consume white chocolate for a year in repayment for my stupidity. He and Kurt will kiss. He and Kurt might even have some sort of simulated/suggested sexual experience. That is as far as it will go. I personally think that Murphy is going to use Blaine to make a point of the fact that just because two characters are gay does not mean they are going to be dating. 

Twilight : Eclipse

"If I'd known, I would have dressed better."

This is part two of the multi-part series regarding The Things I Have Learned From The Boys I Have Kissed. This is about Sean. He's actually the first boy I ever kissed. Years ago, I spent the summer, or a rather lengthy portion thereof, in St. Louis at my father's apartment. I think it was because he bribed my mom, or because she got sick of me sitting around the apartment. Realistically, she just wanted more time with her DOTM without the kidlings around. Why I was there doesn't matter. What matters is that I went and that while I was down there, I met Sean.

I couldn't have been 12 years old. In fact, I was probably in 5th or 6th grade at the very most. I know we had to lie about my age to the owners of the apartment complex so that I could have a key to the pool. That is where I met Sean. He was a couple of years older than me, I remember that much, auburn hair, and skin paler than mine. I wasn't such a fatty back then and actually enjoyed spending time at the pool, playing games of splashysplash and wrestling with the other boys poolside. It was the summer of love as far as my life is concerned, and it was an adventure through-and-through.

Sean and I became quick friends, everybody else in the complex was either several years older or younger than us. He had a pet turtle, and the two of us were infinitely well-tuned to each other. We would spend the mornings playing games at the pool, or throwing the baseball back and forth. In the afternoons, we'd figure out the four-digit parental lock on our parents' cable boxes so that we could watch porn. We usually broke my dad's first. He wasn't so intelligent when it comes down to it. A lot of the time, it was quick and effortless for me to figure it out.

It was late one afternoon, we'd spent the day at the pool, and were eating apples with his pet turtle under a tree. He asked me if I'd ever kissed anybody, and sheepishly, I told him no. We theorized on how our first kisses would go, who they'd be with, how they'd feel. It was a nice bonding moment between the two of us and it would be days, almost two weeks before I asked to kiss him. We spent the next several weeks touching, playing and kissing. It was a heavenly distraction from my father's idiocy. None of these people were the wiser by any stretch of the imagination. Looking back on these days, I knew then that I was gay.

i never saw Sean again. I came back to Omaha, and my life continued on with the knowledge in the back of my mind that I was gay and that I had kissed a boy. Who knows if Sean ended up the same. I'd like to think that our friendship was as formative for him as it was for me, but realistically, I'll never know.

I am bad at blogging.

I have been an absentee blogger. This is basically Josh's blog now. I thought I'd try and provide an explanation for my inability to blog.

I live, let's say, 90% of my life inside my head. I am completely aware that my perception of the world is so far off of reality that when it comes time to write down my thoughts on stuff, I have to edit out so much of it due to crazy that an elaborate idea will be whittled down to a meager sentence or two.

I don't have much to say that can be said. When I do happen to think of something I could write a lot about, I get sidetracked. I have always had a bit of a spongey mind that will soak up any information it gets close to. Thinking is, for me, a lot like going crazy on Wikipedia. I was going to demonstrate, but...

When I am actively trying to write something, nothing comes. My brain is screaming at me all day; I literally cannot stop thinking... until I am trying to get something out of it. Then silence. I should probably apply this to my attempts at meditation.

These are all pretty awful excuses it seems, but I started 3 other fragmentary posts and deleted all of them, finally settling on this. I had to post something tonight, but I'll try and post something better later. Like Sunday. Maybe.

Tuesdays With Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Thanksgiving. It's a make-believe holiday, much like Xmas and Valentine's Day. no real meaning when it comes right down to it, but a great opportunity to soak up the presence of friends and family for a day or four. This year, Thanksgiving started on the 23rd and only ended this morning. It was a wild ride, full of fun and entertainment and closeness and the closest thing to love that I've felt in a good long while.

Tuesday evening, Jakob and I went to Ayn Dahlke's house for Reject Thanksgiving. It was a night filled with casual adorations, video games, dancing,  movies, AMAZING conversation, REMARKABLE people, and a reunion with the girl who I blame for my musical passion entirely. Ayn looked lovely, as always, and the food was delightful. I made cookies, which I took every opportunity to tell people about and Mr. Buss made Pistachio Salad, which was quick dubbed green marshmallow goo and was a huge success!

We played with the kinect and watched a bit of Resident Evil, I met some of the most sensational people I've met in a long time, and when the night ended, I was genuinely pissed off that I had to work at 4 am the next day. I have every intention of making Ayn a common trend in my life. She is on my permanent list of invitees from this moment onward, she and her charming boyfriend.

Wednesday, I spent the morning, after work, curled up on the couch with Jakob. We murmured sweet-nothings and made jokes. I spent the remainder of the day palying games and writing blogs. I even did my annual guest-spot on a friend's vlog/podcast which was afun blast from the past.

But the day this is really about is true Thanksgiving. like I've mentioned before this blog is for randomness, and for hilarity and for fabulousness. The week was nothing until Thrusday afternoon. After going to my mother's for dinner, i was sent on an errand for the family. It was supposed to be simple. Go to the Hy Vee around the corner to pick up mini marshmallows for the yams, then go to my Aunt Carrie's and pick up our Aunt Frieda and bring her to my mother's for dinner. It was at 2:00 that I was sent on this errand.

So, I get in the bright blue Escape and start driving. I make it to Hy Vee in less than three minutes and discover that every package of mini marshmallows is sold out. My mother suggests checking at walmart. That's another 2 or 3 miles away, so I stop in. Not only are all of the mini marshmallows sold out at Walmart, but so are all of the regular sized marshmallows. So I get back in the car and drive back to Hy Vee to buy normal sized marshmallows, which are now sold out. SO ... I drive another two miles south to Bag N' Save to buy marshmallows, grab two bags and head back toward Aunt Carrie's house.

I text my mom and tell her to let Carrie know that Frieda's ride is outside. Five minutes later, no response. I've already been gone for nearly 40 minutes and I'm getting antsy and I've been frustrated since my trip to Walmart to search for marshmallows. So, I park, I head up to the door, and knock. No answer. I sit in the car and honk. No answer. So I head back to my mother's and thus begins the end of my holiday. One plate of food pushes me into a tryptophan coma, and a little bit of video-gaming with my kid brother leads me to relaxation at long last.

The moral of the story? BUY YOUR FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS EARLY.

Edge of Seventeen

"It hurts"

 This is the first of a series of posts I intend to make. The series theme? Things I Have Learned from Boys I Have Kissed. Please note the distinction that I have made here, a kiss does not imply dating, and specifically, I mention boys, as the bulk of these will have taken place prior to my triumphant return to Omaha in 2008. I started thinking of this about a week ago while I was sorting DVDs, the movie, Edge of Seventeen showed up and it intrigued me, because the only people who watch films like this are gay kids who are sick and tired of John Hughes being such a douche bag. Well, and creepy straight girls who spend their lives attached to gay men an can't find any real passion in their own lives. 

I'll admit that being the only out guy in high school meant that I got a lot of play from young men who would later become the proud homosexuals of Omaha North High School. It got me a lot more play from boys who would never come out ever in their entire life, and to this day will probably deny that they ever did anything with a man. I've been the tester for numerous guys and I think I'm kind of satisfied with that. Each experience taught me a lot about who I am, what I like, and what my limits, standards and expectations are. Aside from being an introductory post, this is also about one of the first boys I kissed. I'm pretty sure he falls into the second category of toe-dipper, but I'll freely admit, he had the biggest impact on my development as a man. 

His name was Zach. He wasn't the first boy I kissed, not by a longshot. He was actually somewhere in the middle. It was my senior year of high school, and I couldn't tell you what grade he was in if I tried. I do know that we only started talking via email at school. He was dating an obnoxious little mousey girl with an attitude. I asked him to homecoming. When he said he had a date already, I was disappointed, but we kept talking, and actually became pretty good friends. It wasn't until a few weeks later, via phone-call that he asked me to be his boyfriend. It was cute. This was important because up until this moment, I had always been the aggressor in any sort of interaction with men. He was a pretty fantastic guy, one of the few that I continued to talk to after departing Nebraska for Arizona. He loves ducks. He's a whole lotta punk-rock. He bites when he kisses, which has stuck with me ever since. He came to my school play on opening night and brought me a carnation, something nobody has ever done since. He would walk me from class to class and we'd sneak a kiss before disappearing into our classrooms. He wore black lipstick that left cute little marks that I wore with pride. 

I haven't spoken to him directly since 2005. We're friends on facebook, but I never know what to say to him to let him know just how formative he was in my youth. I won't go so far as to say I love him, but I definitely enjoyed him and adore the parts of him I find in others I meet on a daily basis. There is rarely a day that passes that I don't meet somebody who reminds me of him in some way, shape or form.

Gleecap : S02E08

Here's what you missed on GLEE! It's Tuesday in Ohio. Kurt, Carole and Burt strut down the halls of MHS, Kurt with a signature clueless look on, and they find Finn, our resident frankenteen to tell him that Burt proposed just a few moments ago.

We learn that Kurt has a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under his bed, if you were surprised about this, you obviously haven't been watching this show, and probably shouldn't be reading my gleecap. Also along that line of thought, Kurt is going to put together a wedding in no time at all. I don't know how much Say Yes to the Dress you watch, but I know damn well that it takes a helluva lot of time to plan a wedding. We also learn that Burt has some savings to use for a honeymoon, and that he intends to buy a new house, specifically, "one where everybody has their own room."

Long story short: They're having a glee wedding.

This cuts to the title card, and then Principal Sue Sylvester packaging wedding invitations which prompts a flashback cut to a segment of The Way Sue Sees It when she discovers that her ex, the doucheanchor is getting married to the cuntanchor. Naturally, Sue does what everybody in this situation would do. She resorts to online dating using a thinly-veiled assault on eHarmony named eDesperate, where she discovers that she is her only natural match. Frankly, I can see the attraction. I know damn well that I'm the best match for me so it only makes sense. Let's face it, if we could date clones of ourselves in body, mind and spirit, we would. That is the true test of vanity.

As a side note, we discover that under the heading of 'The things I am most passionate about:' Sue lists, "Extreme Taxidermy, Tantric Yelling, Poking the Elderly with Hidden Pins..." I have to say I would engage in all of these activities if given the opportunity. As such, if anybody would like to engage in these activities, please feel free to get a hold of me, we'll make it a date. Not the sexy kind though. I have a boyfriend, or something like that.

So, Sue decides to marry herself.

CUT! Sexy-transition to the weight-room where we find Sam working on his guns. Finn and Sam pull out the rulers and drop their zippers for a couple minutes, which leads to an awkward drumroll-transition to the room where Sam and Quinn first practiced their Duet. This is where we learn hat whoever is responsible for continuity actually managed to make something work right when Quinn points out they've known each other for 'six weeks'. There was something about a promise ring, and then a flat-out refusal, hidden behind a maybe.

Kurt is already planning the wedding and intends to feed glitter to doves so that their poo doesn't cause a mess. Sadly, I'd considered this myself. There is another incredibly intense scene between Karofsky and Kurt that seems to border on erotic, but in a backroom leather sort of way that left me feeling kind of broken on the inside. We continue this storyline with a trip to Principal Sue's office.

This whole scene really hits home with me. Growing up in a school that didn't have the zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, and being the only openly gay man at said school, I found myself routinely the object of bullying, ridicule and death-threats. It's rough when there is noting the school can 'legally' do. I'm proud of Ryan Murphy for bringing to light a very real problem in our schools. Not only on behalf of gay youth, but on behalf of all the people who either can't or won't speak up for themselves.

There is a great moment when Kurt tells Sue that calling him 'Lady' is hurtful. She apologizes offering him three nicknames, and he picks 'porcelain' which is probably the best nickname ever in the history of mankind. This is the one time I will permit picking one's own nickname without kicking them in the shins. Kudos for excellent writing Mr. Jewish writer-guy.

As shocking as it may seem, Rachel is next seen standing in front of the coupled glee girls. I'm impressed. It took nine whole minutes for them to show Lea Michele's face! Nothing against Lea, she's a sensational vocalist, and her character is second to none, but frankly, I'm sick of looking at her and hearing her voice. I'm so much more dedicated to the other storylines right now.

She begs Brittany, Quinn and Tina to speak with their footballer boyfriends and get them to stick up for, and support Kurt. Quinn quickly goes on defense and says she isn't dating Sam. Brittany essentially tells Tina to fucking deal with it, and Tina just sort of looks depress(ed/ing). Santana makes  brief stop to call Rachel short and make it painfully clear that she thinks she's in a relationship with Puck when really, everybody knows it's just fucking. Is it just me or is Santana being phased out? I feel like I'm seeing her less and less. Mercedes too. It's almost as if those unaffiliated with the football team aren't all that important anymore.

Enter Carole Burnett as Doris Sylvester, the smart-talking, Nazi-hunting mother of Principal Sue. They talk about abandonment and they humanize Sue even more. I'm not supposed to fucking like her dammit! They call Phoenix a hell-hole, and really they're just setting up a musical number, which at 13 minutes still hasn't happened.

Rachel and Finn have an argument which essentially sets the tone that Finn won't be stepping up to Kurt's defense anytime soon. Rachel uses the mom-line, "I'm really disappointed in you."

Meanwhile, in the locker room, Wheels and Other-Asian approach Closetcase and get intense. Closetcase pushes Other-Asian into Wheels, which leads to Blondie and Closet getting into a fist fight. Black eye on Blondie FTW! The heroes are heralded and Finn is berated by everybody else for not stepping up to the plate to bat for Kurt. Sam is glorified for his awesomeness, a lot. Rightfully so, what he did was more than just heroic. It was a sensational move on his part toward kickassitude.

In the auditorium, t 16 minutes, we get our first song. I said it last time, and I'll say it again, 16 minutes is too damn long to wait for a song. Dear Ryan Murphy, BALANCE! Love, joshie. That said, Carole Burnett is still astounding vocally. We have a mother-daughter duet that acts to further humanize Sue, which acts to further piss me off and make me doubt my feelings about the character! I think I liked it a lot more when we knew to hate Sue and leave it at that. I'm not thrilled with the pacing of this episode, it seems a little bit choppy and off-kilter.

Kurt gives Burt and Finn a crash-course in ballroom dancing, which of course leads to Karofsky walking by and seeing Finn and Kurt holding hands to dance, which of course leads to Karofsky being a dick, which of course leads to Burt nearly killing Karofsky, which of course leads to a parent-teacher-conference, which of course leads to Karofsky being expelled, which of course leads to a feeling of relief in Kurt, which of course leads to ANGST! Through it all, Kurt still doesn't reveal Karofsky's secret, which is both noble and wise. If people knew half of the jocks who made out with me in high school, it would make being gay a lot easier.

At the wedding, Santana and Finn have some sort of discussion about being honest, or something like that. I didn't pay attention. I kept getting distracted by her gigantor tits. (In case you forgot that her character got a boob job over the summer. )

24 minutes and we get another song. Let me just say that this is going to be my wedding. Period, If I get married, I'm having my wedding party dance down the aisle and have a kick-ass song to sing. Seriously. This wedding is made of win, and put together in a matter of days. These are the miracles that gay men are capable of. As a side note, the best portion of the sequence is Artie with his rhythm gymnastics ribbons. Not joking. Seriously. Burt still can't dance and looks adequately self-conscious, which makes me thrilled with the acting.

Carole looks a hot tranny mess. Pick-ups, ruching, and a lace bolero jacket do not a wedding-dress make. Seriously. Remember that Say Yes to the Dress plug earlier? Randy would be flabbergasted! Carole looks like the bride of chucky! Her earring are ungodly, and her veil is unacceptable. The whole outfit distracts me from some really heart-felt exchanges between Burt, Kurt, Carole and Finn. The ensuing scene is a great emotional moment with nice cut-aways and steadycam shots of both audience and wedding party. Sensational acting all around.

29 minutes. Third song is Will Schuester, thank god this is the first we've really seen of him this episode. This is actually a great reception scene. They're having a lot of fun with it. unfortuantely Carole's dress still looks a hot tranny mess and now the pickups have been pinned up for dancing, which just looks tacky and disappointing. Song is over by 31 minutes.

Finn makes a toast, as every good son should. Then we get a bit of fan-service. Finchel, Puckelberry, and FURT! Kurt has this great look of appreciation and happiness. I really am appreciative of Chris Colfer for what he brings to this show. His acting is sensational, and his voice is perfect for the role. As a thank-you for the wedding, the glee club has put together a number for Kurt. It seems more like a number for their girlfriends, but oh well, who care, at 32 minutes, we get the next song, oh did I say next, I meant final. Yeah. Songs all fell into an 18 minutes portion of the 46 minute long episode.

Slow dance with Kurt and Finn is a really touching grown-up moment, and the hug they have is probably the most emotional moment I've seen in a television show in a damn long time. We have the bride and groom dance, and the couples get together. (Including Kurt & Mercedes)

Cutting to the rehearsal of Sue's wedding, which includes Carole Burnett being a bitch. I love it. The best moment of the episode is pictured to the right. See that? That is a tracksuit wedding gown in royal blue with white piping. WIN. The episode could have ended right this moment, and I would have been satisfied. Not just satisfied, but fucking THRILLED!

Some other stuff happens, but I was too fascinated by the dress to pay much attention to their bullshit. To round out the episode, Quinn puts on Sam's ring, Principal Sue becomes Coach Sue again, Karofsky's expulsion is reversed, Figgins' return is foretold, and Kurt is told that his new Mommy & Daddy are willing to set aside their honeymoon to pay tuition for Kurt to go to Dalton Academy.

Kurt makes that announcement in the past 20 sconds of the episode, which means that the glee club doesn't have the members for competition next week at sectionals. This also means that Kurt will be competing against them at Sectionals. The final words of the episode are, "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows : Part One

Here there be spoilers. Beware all ye that dare tread on unknown ground this is my very quick review and recap of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One.

Before the opening credits have even begun, we are assaulted with headlines and voice over declaring the world of magic in a state of turmoil. Sightings of the dark mark have caused widesprad panic, and attacks on muggles have led both magic and muggle alike to fear and worry. Warner Bros did a fantastic job setting the tone early on in the film letting us all know that dark times are ahead. A truly touching moment is Hermione as she obliviates her parents.

If you haven't read the book, or seen the film yet, this is where you should stop reading. I'm not joking with you. Stop. Don't go any further. You have been adequately warned. Or warned enough for me to not feel bad about the spoilers.

Following the title sequence, we tag along with the ever menacing Severus Snape as he enters the  Malfoy residence. I have to admit, I was slightly disappointed to not see his albino peacocks. It is just a small piece of the setting, but it is one that I take great joy in considering my love of peacocks in general, even when you consider the great peacock attack of 2007. I digress though, Severus enters and the death eaters are shown sitting at the Malfoy dining table, with Ms. Burbage levitating in her pre-kedavra'd state. Nagini is looking lovely, as always, and the Dark Lord is terrifying to behold. After a bit of blah blah, Burbage is killed. Grats to Tom Felton for the look of sheer awe and terror on his face when Burbage is kedavra'd.

Cutting to Harry saying his goodbyes to the not-quite-home he not-quite-loved all of these years. He makes a visit to the cupboard under the stairs providing a look of sadness and woe that I was sure Daniel Radcliffe wasn't capable of when I was in highschool and these movies first started. They keep with the lore and mythos of the movies, with the creation, ingestion and workings of polyjuice potion as his friends and compatriots take on Harry's form to fool the death eaters. Off they go.

We are blessed with a  beautiful scene involving some great cinematography and a welcome change in comparison to our unfortunate experience with The Last Airbender. The green-screening is stunning in this film. I suppose it's only natural with the superior quality of the films thusfar. I am a little disappointed that hedwig is how Voldemort discovers the real Harry. I liked it far more when Stan was a big part of it. The return of Threstrals was a nice touch that made up for the lack of albino peacocks

Hedwig dying performed its job very well. It made death very real very quickly, by 20 minutes into the film, we have been prepared and told that characters we have grown to love have and will die. I very much enjoyed the look of loss in Radcliffe's eyes after Hedwig's death.

Arriving at the Weasley household, we have the expected fear and paranoia. There is a bit of confusion, as it to beanticipated, as we discover that, off-screen, mad Eye Moody has been killed, as Mundungus Fletcher, the rotten little sneak-thief took off almost immediately after their take off from the house on Privet. There is a moment of solace, as they discover further that George has lost an ear, no more identical twins it would seem.

Harry has a bad dream, as he remembers Dumbledore. Then, Ginny and he share an awkward, though entirely romantic kiss, which is quickly made more awkward by George getting a bit of something to drink.

There are some minor story developments which lead to the arrival of the Minister of Magic. I'm again disappointed though. There is little, if any mention of Bill & Fleur's wedding. The preparations were some of the funniest, heartwarmingiest moments in the entire book and I really wanted to have them be a part of the film in an effort to counteract the recent deaths and throw people off guard for a few minutes. It would have been nice to at least have some passing references to Fleur's obnoxious family.

The Minister gives Harry, Ron & Hermione Albus Dumbledore's legacy, and we continue on with the story. There are a few nice one-liners that weren't in the book, but nothing to write home to mom about. Beforeyou know it, we're having a wedding! Nothing like a future werewolf and an Eighth-Veela getting married to set the tone in a time when magical blood purity is the biggest deal since the boy who lived ... lived.

Regrettably, the managed to fail miserably at one very important aspect of the wedding. harry just sort of wanders about all willy-nilly. No joke. No polyjuice potion to be seen. Way to piss me off WB. Isn't he supposed to be hiding? I mean come on! No wonder the death eaters crash the wedding.

We finally get a scene with Luna's lovely father! This makes me needlessly thrilled. He is of course wearing the symbol of the Deathly Hallows, and soon after we get to hear bitchy old people be gossipy! Yay! Old people FTW!

Learning of the Minister's death, the fight scene at the wedding begins and ends almost instantly. I should take a moment to compliment the apparation effects are absolutely sensational. There is nothing more fantastic than these special effects.

We of course have the chase scene that lasts all of twelve minutes, including a few brief stops to sit and wait, and some divergence of information. It is a nice exposition, and the pacing, while awkward, works very well. Harry informs Rona and Hermione about the Horcruxes and they settled on 12 Grimauld Place as their hiding location for the time being. This of course annoys the shit out of Kreacher, but proves to be ever useful as they continue their ongoing planning and plotting for the coming trials and tribulations.

This brings us to about 45 minutes into the film. We discover the whereabouts of the locket that Harry and Dumbledore thought they had found previously. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of bonding with Kreacher, but Ihave already, by this point, made the decision that I'm going to just accept all of this as artitic license. As long as they get the really good stuff, that's all I care about.

About halfway through the film, I will take a break for the day, and deliver part two of my review/recap tomorrow afternoon.

Gleecap : S02E07

"Lookin' good Puckerman, someone's been eatin' their Wheaties."
-- Santana Lopez

What gleecap? The day before the new episode? Ok, ok, I fail, I get it. If you only knew what the last week has been like for me, you'd understand. I'll cover that at a later date though, most likely tomorrow after Netflix. So glee was actually acceptable this week. More than just acceptable, it excelled in ways that I thought it was incapable of after the episode two weeks ago. 

We open with Sue's explanation of how she became principal. (Remember, you can't spell Principal without PAL!)  She gave Figgins the Monkey Flu, which is delightful and makes me happier and happier every.time I hear it. Plus, the transmission and development via loud bisexual primates makes me giggle. Thankfully, Sue wants to DESTROY THE GLEE CLUB again, she claims she got bored being friends, which leads to Will getting monkey flu, and hallucinating the SHORTEST KID CAST EVER. 

Seriously. Why hire all of these adorable kids only to use them for like ten seconds? Cut to Will and a bed full of tissues, it reminds me of high school. Cue the return of cunt, I mean Terri. Admitting her love for Will, she confesses attending therapy and taking meds. Thank goodness. Then we go to a very dark place that probably tells us too much about their former sex life, including that they at one point played 'sick baby' which can only be interpretted as a fucked up version of 'Doctor'

Back at school, Rachel has taken over Glee Club, again. Santana is a little too intense, Mercedes is all kinds of butt-hurt because she thinks that she and Kurt are dating, and he is spending his time with Blaine. They make plans to hang Friday night, but Mercedes gets distracted by Tater Tots. No wonder she's so big. Damn gurl, take a little off the top. Kurt decides that the sub the school got for Schuester should take over glee too, which leads us to GWYNETH MOTHERFUCKING PALTROW! 


In voice over, she explains that being a substitute is rough. (I can relate) "They'll goof off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator into your car." Aside from the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow is pretty much a Goddess in my book, ( See Also: Hook, Emma, Shakespeare in Love, The Talented Mr. Ripley and so many more) She was made for this role. She connects with the kids by being a cross between Will, Emma and April Rhodes. AND HER NAME IS Holly Holiday! It's heaven. Come on! Her first in-character lines are about Linday Lohan being crazy in Rehab! Nt to mention she sings a sexy version of Conjunction Junction. Who doesn't love schoolhosue rock?!


Speaking of which, Kurt wins best line of the episode with "You smell homeless, Bret, homeless." in the flashback to English class the week previous. 


Quick transition to the Glee Classroom, where Puck is buttering the floor, which is quickly thwarted by Ms. Holiday who wins at life. Traditional name-switching and psychic accusations. She instigates a passion for 'fun and fabulous' which pisses off Rachel. Counter? What songs would you like to do? This is where I have issue with this episode. She says, "Oh, don't get asked that question much do you?" Which is outright outrageous. Will, Sue, and Emma have all asked the kids what songs they want to do. However; when the kids get their way, hillarity and chaos ensues. Need I bring you back to the Season 1 episode, Showmance, where they performed Push It by Salt n' Pepa? 

Anyway, they talk about it, and settle on a toned-down version of Cee lo's  Fuck You, Will's response? "There's gotta be a Journrey song we haven't done yet!" Holly Holiday rocks it after being called 40 years old by Santana. Celebration ensues, followed by a face-off between Principal Sue, and Coach Beiste, this ends in Tater Tots, dubbed Potater Tots being banned. 

Quick Cut to Will and Mike performing a dream-sequence of Make 'Em Laugh. This is a great showcase of physical humor, something that has been missing from common entertainment especially in this Vaudevillian form. You know, few people know this, but this particular song ties back into the Rocky Horror episode, as Tim Curry sang this at the 1995 Academy Awards. The song is cut short by Rachel revealing Sue and Holly plotting Will's demise! MWHAHAHA! 


So, as if losing her gay boyfriend wasn't enough, Mercedes discovers the banning of 'the tots', she is seventeen different kinds of butt-hurt. Insert some racism and a thinly veiled assault on obesity, and that brings us to Mercedes calling broccoli a toilet brush, and Sue explaining that Brittany thought it was a little tree where gummi bears once lived. This of course pisses off mercedes who takes a page out of Rachel's book and storms out huffily. 


Speaking of Rachel, she's being a bitch, as usual, which Holly Holiday is all to happy to tell her 18:47 into the episode. The look on Rachel's face is fucking priceless! There is some blah blah that doesn't really matter, until a flashback, which shows Schu discovering a Journey song they haven't performed yet. 


By the way, if you have to say that something is your catch-phrase, it isn't your catchphrase, that's like picking your own nickname. It's just lame. 


Back to Terri being creepy, and more of that dark-place, which leads to an even darker place. Kurt gets Mercedes a date, and Mercedes goes all Diva about it, as Kurt is discreetly hit on by Karofsky, and Mercedes starts a war which leads into a creepy musical number by holly and Rachel of Nowadays/All That Jazz (I've said it before, I'll say it again, SONGS DON'T NEED TO BE MASHUPS! I SWEAR IT!)


These productions are wildly overproduced. Seriously! I thought they only had $60/month before budget cuts, and only $54/month after! Pyrotechnics, and costumes, and music rights must be NOTHING in this universe. 


Cut to Will's not-so-triumphant return to the school, followed by Sue's dismissal of him, and announcement of Figgins' firing. There was a hair joke, but I didn't pay attention because nothing will be better than her previous line about seasoning Asian cookery. 


Now we find Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes at Breadstix, where they're discussing Gay Marriage, a subject that Mercedes is not interested in. Apparently, they discussed DADT earlier. Changing the subject to Vogue, we see how Mercedes hears this conversation, and the best image ever of Kurt spitting out a little pink barbie-sized purse to which he responds by saying, "OMIGOSH, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!"


We learn that Blaine likes college football, and Kurt becomes gayer and gayer with ever word out of his lips. 


Showdown between Holiday and Schuester.I didn't pay much attention, because I was too distracted by the bad outfits, and that awkward lilt in Will's voice. I think it was supposed to be something about them disagreeing about teaching mentalities, which is a real-life situation that happens on a regular basis. Old-school teachers hate those teachers brought up on new practices. New teachers think that old teachers are disconnected and clueless. They're both right. 

Quick scene with Sue admitting that she owns a 1979 Renault 5 (aka the LeCar or R5) and then Sue says waht I wanted to the whole time, "Berets are out."


Flashback to a math class ten years ago, and even more makeout for Will. Seriously, this teacher gets more play than I've ever seen anybody get ever. What is this, like ten women in the last year?! Fucking whore. Most women would be beaten with sticks, which leads to Terri, who was hit with an ugly stick. Then we have a showndown, and more dark place baby talk, and some emotional blahblah. There is a lot of plot happening right now. Is this what they decided to do instead of play music? i don't mind the plot, I love it, but damn! Way to hit us like a ton of fuck bricks! There is a happy medium Ryan Murphy! 


I swear, you can have moderate plot, as well as moderate music. You don't have to have three all music episodes followed by three all plot episodes. They can balance, I promise. 


Kurt and Mercedes have a heart to heart, where he says what I was thinking the whole episode. I got distracted by his suit-coat though, so I didn't pay too much attention. Mercedes walks away with a tupperware bucket full of tater tots, and Karofsky appears. 


Is it bad that, a la Get Real, I'd like to see Karofsky and Kurt get together? If you haven't seen Get Real, go get it right now. Download it, buy it, rent it! Do whatever it takes. It is one of the few films I will ever openly praise. 


Will gets his job back, and Sue plugs craigslist. How much do you want to bet that the number of anonymous gay hookups among teenagers skyrocketed after this episode? 


Artie is an alcoholic, and the kids hate their music selections. After a quick insulting rendition of Mary Todd Lincoln, Schu and Holiday get ready to perform, wait for it ......... another fuck mash-up. Jesus Christ! I hate mash-ups now. I used to love them. 


Once again, the production of this number is outrageous! How much water did they go through? Furthermore, how did they teach everybody to dance in slow motion? 


When all is said and done, I was greatly satisfied with this episode. I still stand by my declarations that Ryan Murphy has made a mistake in waiting so long to bring back Vocal Adrenaline. He has made some poor decisions in regards to the balance of music to plot, and his overuse of mash-ups.


Predictions for the coming season? Well, we know to expect a hiatus after the Xmas episode. I know we're going to see Kurt leave MHS for Dalton, and possibly something a little bit racy for the episode following the Superbowl. I anticipate that the next episode, entitled 'Furt' will bring us the marriage of Finn and Kurt's parents. Likewise, with the appearance of Sue's mom, played by Carol Burnett, we'll probably get a little more insight into Sue and Jean's history. Unfortunately, humanizing Sue even more than she has been already. Damn you three-dimensional characters! The following week should be sectionals then Christmas, then hiatus till Valentine's Day which should be the Super Bowl Episode. 


Expect the next gleecap sooner next week. I promise.

The Last Airbender

"I will stop them."
-Avatar Aang

I only have one question. Who? Who at Nickelodeon saw this script and said, "Right on, M. Night Shammallamadingdong!"? I didn't see it in theatres. I refused. I had every intention of attending a midnight premier, but I had to work the next morning abnormally early, and thought I'd give it a week. i heard what others had to say, and I was shocked! Surely the creator of The Sixth Sense, Signs and The Happening couldn't be so villainous as to defile, destroy and cripple what can only be referred to as Nickelodeon's grandest foray into animation! So I held off on seeing the film. I was terrified of what might be seen. I was terrified of the potential for disappointment. Then it happened. The dvd was released. I thought if I acted like it didn't really exist, I would be spared. I was wrong. 

You may not know this, but my early morning hours are spent working at the local Netflix hub. I clean your dvds. I sort them and file them away for future rental. This affords me a unique opportunity to find new exciting films to kee me entertained on lonely nights when my boyfriend isn't around and a suitable replacement cannot be found. For every gem and rarity I find while cleaning your dvds, I also find, in spades, a thousand copies of the latest piece of shit to roll off of assembly lines. 

When I first started, it was The Last Song, starring Miley Cyrus. This week, it has been The Last Airbender. Setting aside the other piece of monumental shit entitled Avatar that stole the title duly belonging to this movie, I am astounded at the unfortunate state of entertainment in the city of Omaha. I'm sorry. From now on, you are not permitted to choose your own Netflix rentals. Period. Understood? I will submit a list of acceptable rentals weekly, and you will choose from there. That said, I decided that this movie deserved a fair look. 

So, I did what anybody with a Netflix account would do. I downloaded it illegally via torrent. Oh shut up, you knew that was coming. I'm not filling a spot in my queue with this crap. Are you kidding me?! i'm about 55 minutes into the film which, at 1:43:17 long, is already disappointing. I am torn to shreds that some of my favorite lines, scenes and episodes from the first season aren't even touched on. Iroh is nowhere near as charming and pleasant as he should be. The fire nation are... Persians? 

And why on earth isn't anybody able to say the word Avatar correctly??! Why is Katara so effortlessly permitted to learn water bending? Why doesn't the princess think that Sokka is a douchetool? Why is Sokka kicking so much ass?! And what is up with this shitastic green screening? I'm just shocked and astounded at how horrible this has been. Had I a soule, I would be moved to tears and would cry for the loss of this fantastic series.

If there is a sequel made, I will kill anybody that ruins it any further. This is worse than the Harry Potter movies, and don't even get me started on those. My final thoughts? Don't even bother. if you haven't seen it, don't. If you have seen it, plead to the Gods for those two hours back. 

Gleecap : S02E06

So, as promised, my gleecap.

Warning: Here There Be Spoilers.

Realistically though, if you haven't seen it yet, then you are living in a cave in Afghanistan and need to quit your job with the army and move back to watch Glee. Seriously, you have failed at life and need to reconsider the choices you have made that have led you to this situation where something else is more important than Glee.

That said, I have to admit, I was genuinely amused, touched, surprised and entertained by this episode of Glee. In fact, this is the first episode of the current season that I have even really liked. Finally I feel like the promises made to us during the break are being fulfilled. It's like Glee ran for president and we're into its second term, finally things are making sense and the stupid indirect actions taken early on are paying off in a very big way.

That said, let's continue, shall we? First and foremost, we find Finn and Sam in the locker room. let me just say, there should be a law passed immediately that prohibits Chord Overstreet from putting on his shirt while he has fantastic abs. Period. Covering those up is criminal. I'm sure there was some sort of important dialogue going on, but i was too busy admiring Sam to be bothered with listening. lucky we see the return of 'The Mailman' so I know damn well that they were discussing how difficult it is to keep from finishing early as Jacob would say.

Then came a great line, "How did we manage to find the only two girls in high school who won't put out"

Are you kidding me? RealismFAIL. When I was in high school, you were lucky to find somebody who wasn't all talk. Finding a girl who put out meant you had to search either the Band Geeks or the girls in Show Choir. Don't deny it. Show Choir is a Slut Parade. If you don't believe me, check how many of the girls from my high school show choir are now pregnant, or mothers. They're a bunch of dirty dirty whores. Santana will express this far better later on in the episode when she says, "If everyone would just put out we'd have a winning football team."

Eventually, Sam/Finn decide that Sam's best bet for keeping his cool is to imagine our new favorite football coach in compromising situations. This is not important to me, because immediately afterward, we cut to Kurt and Tina in the hallway. Kurt is wearing a gold lamé bow-tie. As if this wasn't enough, he's got on a 3/4th length duster and a white-collared grey button-down. Come on Kurt, I get it already, you've gay. We understand. Do you have to wear the most outrageous things you can find?

While on the subject, I have a letter that should be delivered to Tina. It involves her shopping too much at Hot Topic. Come on, let's all just look the other direction while she goes and picks up something from Aeropostale. I think we can all get behind her looking good without the lady demon clothes. i get it, i get it, it's part of her character. There was even an entire episode about it, but one can only wear so many ruffled lace shirts before she looks gaytarded. By gaytarded, I mean outrageous.

Coming in on the classroom, we find that Puck, and more importantly, his mohawk, have returned to class. He gives a grand tale about his braverism while locked up, which prompts a highly unenthusiastic and, I imagine, very sarcastic, "Wow, what a catch. I can't believe I ever let you go," from Quinn. Obviously she needsto get fucked because she' being a bitch. She's always being a bitch lately. Something about all of those statues of the Virgin Mary must be driving her slowly insane.

We learn that the two new groups to compete against at Sectionals are 'The Dalton Academy Warblers' & 'The Hipsters' just like last time, they're both outrageous and unacceptable. There is something about the hilariously gay group and the painfully hip-displacing group that make me feel like this outcome is already decided.  Of course, we have the obligatory gay joke as Kut tries tojoint he girls' team. I don't blame him have you seen the other men in this club? They're like dead fish with vocal chords.

Continuing this trend, we see the future mo and Kurt in the hallway. After a brief exchange of very bad witty banter, we find Will doing Emma's job. Is it just me or did we forget that Emma is the school counselor? I mean seriously... why is she not seen doing her fucking job?!

More gay jokes galore, as we find Kurt in front of the other men. After a brief exchange that involves pointless gay bashing and heterosexism, Mr. Hummel takes his paper-doll version of himself and say, "Screw you guys I'm going home."Why does he even own a paper-doll version of himself?! you know, whatever.

Sam and Quinn make out. We see Coach Bieste wearing a black teddy cutting up ribs, then a cheerleader uniform. All in all, I saw this coming. My only thought though... what poor unsuspecting writer had to come up with these images of Bieste? I feel so bad for him. I mean, she's a nice woman, I'm sure, but damn. I am not trying to look at her bein' all sexifieid.

Nine minutes into the episode, we have our first song. Twenty seconds later, after we realise that this song is going to crash and burn because they have the WHITEST WHITE KID EVAR singing reggae, some random old bitch crosses the screen singing along. Who the fuck is this random old bitch? Why is she at this high school?


Cut to more gay fodder. Cuteness, slow motion running, all in all, needlessly adorable. I swear this was about the point that I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Now it is time for the second song of the episode. Seriously? nine minutes without a musical number and then we have another one at twelve minutes thirty seconds? Balance issues Fox? Enclosed you will find laughable pictures from this performance. I will say that this is the best song of the season, and the eye contact between Darren Criss and Chris Colfer smacks of chemistry. I'm definitely satisfied.


Cut to the asians. Are you kidding me? These two don't fuck?!  Insert image of Bieste in a tut with a cigar. Cut immediately to the hallway and a great line from Bieste, "You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off." Have I mentioned that I love, LOVE LOVE!!! her bad backwater sayings. They're just priceless, and not a one of them makes sense.

Then some boring stuff happens. I swear it doesn't matter. The boys who shouldn't ever wear shirtsget bitched at for wearing shirts, and then we go back to Kurt. I'm telling you, he's the only one who matters in this episode. Two 'straights' and a gay sit with Kurt and chat about pointless things. Blaine and Kurt have a heart to heart including the use fo the word 'pissed'. It seemed forced and kind of poorly delivered.

After what can only be described as the clear indication that Kurt will be leaving MHS to attend Dalton, we learn that in the Gleeverse, if you're mean to girls they'll go to dinner with you even when you wear a horrible horse sweater. Puck suggests a dine and dash, which is laughable to me, considering the inclusion of a wheelchair offers up some logistical problems.

at 25:30 we have a no-transition song. you know what, no, these mashups didn't even happen. As far as I'm concerned, they don't exist. They are a great background for the cute text messages from Blaine though. Granted after the second or third, I'd find them freaky and creeptastic.

Speaking of that text message, HOLY FUCK KURT! Why do you have 124 emails?! Shit son, clean out your inbox once in a while. And where are the rest of your apps? You factory fresh phone is looking all kinds of empty. Other background notes, Mr. Schu, no more white ties.

Sue has her confetti cannons, and we have another item to add to my bucket list, which is to fire off two confetti cannons and cackle maniacally.

Cut to Kurt. I swear there are a lot of cuts to kurt this episode. He's getting ANOTHER text from Blaine. Is wear it's been like ten minutes. Maybe twenty. Karofsky knocks his phone out of his hand. That shit is bound for ebay now, because Apple fails at creating anything that doesn't shatter when it hits the ground.

kurt confronts him int he locker room and calls him chubby, which kind of pisses me off. he's about my build, and I'm effing hot dammit. Anyway, they kiss. Who didn't see that coming? I did. The best part of this scene is Kurt's shocked look afterward.

the rest of the episode is kind of pointless. Puck has angst, and a lot of it. Blaine and Kurt get all Nancy Drew on Karofsky, which doesn't go well. Schu kisses Bieste, and fast-forward to 38:56

We find a shrine dedicated to Blaine in Kurt's locker. my only question is: Did Kurt make this? Or did Blaine sneak in and do this shit? I feel like he's this kind of creeper.

To wrap up, Wheelchairs ruin group hugs.