Latter Days

"We're colors and whites, we don't mix." -- Elder Aaron Davis 

Jakob B, Aaron M, Nathan R, Chad G, Stephen H and Nathan B. These are the people I've dated in reverse order. I like to write blog posts about the boys I have kissed because they give the opportunity to look back and use hindsight, which we know to be 20/20, to comprehend the effect the kisses have had on my personal development. You'll notice though that I haven't mentioned anything that has happened since late 2006. I have trouble looking at my recent mistakes, and lately, it seems as though the last four years have been one monumental mistake. It's been the root of some mild depression and other problems. I've found myself staying up all night long mulling over the past four years of relationships, and trying to figure out why each of them failed. It's frustrating, because what I want most of all is to fall in love, and find somebody with whom I can build a life. . . Somebody who i can do laundry with. Strangely, Stephen and Aaron were the closest to this paradigm.

I digress. The purpose of this blog post is to examine the aspects of these relationships, in a non-blaming way, in an effort to apply logic to my heart. I recognize the fallacy there-implied. Believe me, the xkcd panel does not escape me, but I figure this will help me give this situation a comprehensive, unyielding view on what I want, what I need and what I don't want with regard to a boyfriend, lover and potential husband. Yeah, I went there. That's the first fact that I have established. I want to find somebody that I can end up being with for an extended period of time, potentially forever. That is the first major  problem I've discovered. I keep dating men who are either too young, too inexperienced, or too unwilling to be in an open, honest, long-term relationship.

Identified Need : long-term love. See, that was easy. This shouldn't be too hard at all. Obviously, I'm not going to identify everything in one blog post, but I figure I can narrow it down to three wants, three do-not-wants, and three needs. For the love of God, I'm outrageous. Ok. Parameters established. I will robotically and systematically evaluate what will make the perfect boyfriend.

Two of the six named people lived far enough away that it put a strain on the relationship because we never got to see each other. When we did get to see each other, it was brief, for a few hours at a time and it always ended in one of us having to leave the other alone. Text messages and facebook can only go so far in the strength of a relationship. On the same note, two of the six people named lived with me for the bulk of our relationship. Specifically, the longest of the six relationships, two years, was spent in co-habitation.In fact, those two relationships were the longest, the second being six months long.

Identified Need : physical proximity. I'm not saying I need them to live with me, but finding a man who lives close enough that I can see him more than three times a week would be amazing. Likewise, finding a man that I can share my bed with, non-sexually, is a part of this. I get lonely at night, and have learned that I sleep better and more completely when there is another living creature touching me, or being touched by me, as the case may be.

My two most fulfilling relationships, which also happen to be two of my shortest, were with people of extraordinary intelligence. Likewise, my worst relationship was with a man who was about as intelligent as a box of retarded rocks. Don't get me wrong, he was a great person to talk to, but he was pretty much the stupidest person I've ever met. I know, I know, that's rude, but it's the truth and I always felt sorry for him when he would meet my friends and family, who have a tendency to judge the people I date a little more harshly than I'd like.

Identified Need : Above-Average Aptitude. I'm not saying I need a rocket scientist or anything, but somebody I can have philosophical discussions with would be pretty amazing. A general knowledge of the world and a willingness to learn more would be appreciated as well. he'd have to have a secret, or not-so-secret nerd passion as well. mine are language and sounds. I'm a literary nerd, and an audiophile. I need to know that I can share my passions and learn about other things as well.

Ok. There, one-third of my requirements are established and identified. I'm off to a good start, right? Or maybe I'm just outrageous. At least there isn't a spreadsheet involved, or mathematical formulae. Not that I've done that before or anything ... I think I'll evaluate my wants tomorrow while I begin writing new gleewinds.