Paper Man

"Are we unhappy? Or are we just pretending to be unhappy?" -- Richard Dunn

 Pretentious Asshats, check. Ignorant Douche-Bags, check. Intelli-Cunts, check. Three down. Two more to go. If you bothered to read my blog post yesterday, you'll possibly, though not probably, remember that I said this post would be about Historically Inaccurate Exes. really, though I have decided to relabel it as Anachronistic Exes. I suppose an expansion of this could be made which includes current romantic partners as well. Realistically though, I haven't had much experience with current romantic interests. I just realized though that I didn't define these people just yet. Forgive me. I should do that. My brain hasn't been making the sense it should be as of late, so I should probably offer definition first, then go on a lengthy rant about them.

Anachronistic Exes are ex-([boy/girl]friends/[husbands/wives]/fiances) who have an uncanny ability to remember the past incorrectly. Not just incorrectly, but in a way which paints them as a martyr/saint/virgin/second coming of christ, etc... This seems to come hand-in-hand with relationships which end abruptly, or unpleasantly. Most commonly they seem to remember the break up differently every time they retell it to their friends. If there was a fight, they sat there and took it, instead of fighting back. If there was a text message break-up, they sent it and couldn't bear the sight of you. Whatever events made them seem like the better person is what tale they tell depending on the people they're telling it to.

These are the people, who, when being nostalgic, will invent circumstances in which you failed miserably at life and the relationship, citing instances where you were some vile creature that had gone to great lengths to beat, berate and belittle them. This is a type of person I have never understood. I have been in several relationships, which could be classified as serious. Most of them ended badly. Two, in physical confrontations, and the rest in tears and sadness and anger all rolled up together. In all but two of these breakups, my ex seems to have a wildly different recollection of how events unfolded.

To this day, if you ask Stephen Huston, he'll tell you that I threw the first punch. He'll recount how all through our relationship, I would be physically abusive and would force him into sexual situations where he was not comfortable. He will tell tales about how I tortured him emotionally and tricked him into staying with me via pretty words and a gilded tongue. The truth being that when we finally fought and exchanged blows, it began with him making a weak punch to my jaw, and when it boiled down to it, I treated him more like a God than a man, which is ultimately what led to the dissolution of our relationship.

I said earlier that this could probably be extended to include current bfs/gfs/etc... who do this, but aside from Aaron, who simply had a terrible memory and didn't intentionally recount things incorrectly, I have yet to encounter the experience of being in a relationship with somebody who falls into this category. I have heard of them existing though. It's been a common discussion that I have had with my friends and family.

These types of people ruin the world for everybody else. They villainize their exes in a way that makes it almost impossible to get an accurate idea of who the people in our lives really are. I cannot tell you how many times I have chosen one side of a break-up or the other because of which person got the chance to give me their side of the story first, and it seems silly that this is the case. Kaka and I were just talking about this last night, how we are genuine in our relationships in a way that we think nobody else is. It makes us paranoid that every person we meet will be a part of this group.

Thus, these people are second to last on my list of the five people I hate.