Despicable Me

"Look Mom, I drew a picture of me on the moon." -- Young Gru 

You may have noticed that this is my first post in 4 days. I'd like to say I have a very good explanation, but frankly, I really just haven't had time. In the aftermath of the hold-up, I ended up not really looking at my computer for anything other than watching movies and tv shows. Don't judge me. I've started watching How I Met Your Mother, and I've been watching scary movies. Then, two of my friends took a break, so I played the part of Best Friend Ever. Then they actually broke up, and I continued to play the part of Best Friend Ever. Then I had a date-like thing, then I was terrified of dying and even more terrified of the fact that I almost died a million times on the way to/from work. That explanation of my absence done, I wanted to talk about goals. I got to thinking about this because of my goal to update the blog daily, and failing miserably in the first ten days of the new year.

Katrina will tell you that I have a tendency to make lofty plans/goals. Katrina will also tell you that I have a tendency to let those plans sort of disappear. I never outright throw them away. I put them on the bedside table, and then one morning, I knock them over and they fall down behind the table. Then, two months later, I find those goals crumpled up when I rearrange my room. It's never intentional, it happens by accident, and I always feel like a piece of shit. This is funny because this post in itself is in fact a prime example of this occurrence. I started it yesterday, and about halfway though, I got distracted by a text conversation about this very subject and completely forgot about it. In fact, I developed two or three other blog posts that I wanted to post this morning. When I got home, I found this post sitting in my browser window.

During said text-conversation, I discovered that I have made lofty plans for my love-life. Truly outrageous and outlandish plans. I rationalized this by saying that I make these outlandish goals knowing how ridiculous they ae because I won't be disappointed when they don't come to fruition. It makes sense, because I've done this intentionally in the past, and I do it intentionally every day that I'm at work. I tell myself and my coworkers that our work load is outrageously worse than it actually is in an effort to make me feel better when things come up lighter than I predicted.

For the record, my plans for my relationship are rather simple. I will meet the man of my dreams. He will be fantastic and amazing in every way. He will be educated and political. He will be strong and able. He is within three years of my age, even if he's not. He and I will move to Stepford, and we will both become instant Stepford-Wives and wear suits and ties all day! We have tea-parties with our neighbors, and weekly BBQs. It will be 72 and partly-cloudy every single day. We will win garden contests, and decorate for every major holiday. In short, we'll be a 1950's couple, except we'll sleep in the same bed. Oh, and the sex will be clean and quiet, and gleaming.

See what I mean by outlandish is needlessly intense? Yeah. Nobody actually reads my blogs, because nobody bothers to comment because nobody loves me. Shut up. If somebody did leave comments on my blogs, they'd probably tell me what some of their future plans are, and what some of their outrageous plans and goals are. Yeah. That would happen.

Upcoming Blog Posts:
How To Save A Life, a discussion on suicide. By discussion, I mean recapping my personal experience.
Juno, a commentary on how I experience attraction in threes.
Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat, a commentary on friends as couples when you're no part of a couple.
Flatliners, a description of the two outrageous dreams I've had lately. 1: Ex boyfriend attack! and 2: Old lady head switch.
Inception, an examination of my three phobias.