How To Lose Friends and Alienate People

"You thought Brad Pitt was a cave in Yorkshire." -- Sidney Young 

This is part one of a five part series. It was originally inspired by [this post] by Katrina, who spoke on the types of people you meet at Goodwill. I was going to talk about the five types of people I seem to have in my life, when I then realized a far more controversial, by which I mean amusing and ultimately painful, post would be to discuss the five types of people I loathe with every cilia of my essence, which is a five dollar way of saying, every fiber of my being. I should preface this with the declaration that, while I may talk about hating people a lot, I am in fact very tolerant. Far more tolerant than most, and infinitely more tolerant than some. I have a very high line of bullshit that I can endure without resorting to anger, annoyance or frustration. I have an uncanny ability to smile at anybody. There are, however, five types of people I genuinely hate, and should you find yourself in one of these categories, you are very likely to never get off of my shit list. Ever. This first post, introduction aside, is intended to specifically illustrate the first, and most serious type of person I hate. Pretentious Asshats. See image for clarification.


"But what is a pretentious asshat, Mr. Josh?" You ask with obnoxious indignation, certain that I am incapable of defining such a complex term that doesn't really exist.

Well, I'm glad you asked, self-impressed reader. Mr. Webster defines a pretentious asshat as a person of either gender who has their own head so far up their asses that they are indeed wearing said ass as a hat, and who happens to be so far up their ass that they are ignorant to their location and have the audacity to make claims of fantasticness and undeserved importance. It's true. I read it on a multi-sourced wikipedia article, and the internet doesn't lie. Pretentious asshats, by nature are not aware of their condition. This makes them uncommonly difficult to identify.

This is an important point. Originally, I wanted to make only one post detailing all five of the types of people I hate, but then, I realized that an entire post was necessary to identify everything that makes a pretentious asshat a pretentious asshat. The following list is in no was all-inclusive either. These are just he most important and blatantly obvious things that can label one as a pretentious asshat in my book.

1: Militant vegans(vegetarians, rawfoodians, etc)
Just because you don't eat all the tasty things in the universe, doesn't mean I can't and doesn't give you the right to stage a picket every time we eat at a restaurant that doesn't have a vegan alternative for your weak immune system. (Extra douchepoints if they're organic, but can't define organic.)

2: People who claim that I'm only gay because I haven't me the right girl.
Plain and simple, say it again, and I'll rape you in your sleep. Fucking try me.

3: Anti-Walmart Activists
I get it, you don't like shopping at Wal*Mart. I understand why. I've heard the speech before. I've heard the justifications a thousand times. I have heard the bullshit so many fucking times I could start spouting it myself if I wanted to. I shop at Wal*Mart. Why? Because their customer service is better than Target, and their shit is cheap and dammit, I'm living on a budget.

4: People who complain that they are _____er than they really are.
Fill in the blank with smart, cut, fatt, skinni, sexi, ugli, strong, or any other adjective. It smacks of the desperate need for attention that drives me away. Why don't you just fucking be happy with the way you are, or change the things you can? Jesus Hoobastank Christ! I should note that this is only for serial abusers of this mentality. Those who have fat days are not included.

5: People who watch movies and take them as gospel and infallible.
Id Est: Blood Diamond, Supersize Me, The Obama Deception, Fahrenheit 9/11, Food Inc. They are biased films created in an effort to attack a particular subject. If one more person had asked me while working in fine jewelry if they were buying a blood diamond, I was going to gouge out their eyes with my keys and mount their heads on the wall as a warning.

6: People who insist that because they like something, everybody should like it and if I don't like it, it's because I haven't given it a fair chance and as such, I need to be forced to experience it despite repeated insistence that I don't want to.
This includes television shows, movies, actors, actresses, foods, stores, fabrics, drinks and so much more. I know my tastes, if I say I don't like something, it is probably because I have tried it, given it a shot and decided I don't like it. If I ever decide to give it a second chance, it will be on my terms, and your insistence will only make me hate it more on principle. I hated Buffy when it first came out. I have since watched the entire series, and I am proud to say that I still rank it in the bottom half of the television shows I have watched. On the flip side, I loathed the first ten episodes of How I Met Your Mother that I ever watched. Having now watched the entire series, I rank it in the top quarter.

7: People who only watch BBC shows because American comedy is so overrated.
The UK would be glad to have you. Enjoy your new home. (ps: BBC plays Family Guy and South Park as well, they're incredibly high rated shows in the UK, just FYI)

8: People with causes that they only know about because _______ was talking about it on ______.
Fill the first blank with a random celebrity, fill the second blank with any second rate news, or talk show.

9: People who act like they have opinions, but really just talk until everybody agrees with them.
That seems pretty self-explanatory. I am convinced that in every group of ten people, there are two of these people and introducing them to each other would be the most comical experience of my life.

10: People who are not funny, but are convinced that they are.
Period.

Like I said, there are more, but these will suffice for now. If you are my friend and you find yourself fitting into one of these groups of people, then I feel like we need to have a discussion about the future of our friendship. Granted, if you recognize that you are in one of these groups, there is hope for you, because you are not pleasantly ignorant of your condition.

A note, all of these can be negated by their performance as an act of irony, or in an effort to illustrate asshattery.