Gleewind : S01E05

Just The Facts: The Rhodes Not Taken is the first appearance, but certainly not the last, of April Rhodes, a WMHS Alum, who steps in to fill the void left by Rachel's abandonment of Glee club. It is the first appearance of the quick recaps before each episode, and opens with a rendition of Don't Stop Believin'. Did I mention earlier how much I loathe Journey? Especially in relation to this show. They'll address it in later episodes and it frustrates me because this is yet another instance of tthis ungodly song being performed in the show. It happens like ten times. The whole glee club, including the new members recently introduced are practicing said song, when Quinn gets morning-sick, because she's pregnant, remember? And Kurt asks if they can talk about the giant elephant in the room. Santana asks is he means his sexuality. You see it's supposed to be funny because he's gay but hasn't really told everybody yet, see cause it's fun to make fun of gay kids. Anyway, Kurt is referring to the fact that Rachel is gone. Rachel makes you want to light yourself on fire, but she can sing, and everybody is worried about what's going to happen. Finn is worried about the baby with all of Quinn's dancing.

At lunch, Will and Terri meet a young man who once attended WMHS, but now attends Carmel. It's funny because he's 24 and happens to be a sixth year senior. They keep failing him so that he can stay in Vocal Adrenaline. He's the only one who can do the triple flip. This will give Will an amazing, but bad idea to recruit his former crush and glee-club star, April Rhodes, portrayed by Kristen Chenoweth into the glee club to replace Rachel for the sake of the invitational later this episode. Let me pause for a brief second to explain that I effing LOVE Kristen Chenoweth. Taylor the Latte Boy is heaven in my eyes. You're A Good Man Charlie Brown essentially made me want to do music. She is a goddess. When I first saw this episode, I screamed, loudly. Over and over again. Ask my friends, hell ask my neighbors. I love Kristen Chenoweth, end of story.

In Emma's office, Finn and Emma have a quick counseling session. Prompted entirely by the fact that Will told Emma about Finn's little pregnancy problem that really isn't his problem since he's being lied to quite profusely, Emma mentions that a lot of schools give full rides to students who excel in the arts. This gives Finn the idea to get Rachel to come back to glee club. But how to do it? Duh, Flirt with her. Girls respond well to being flirted with. This cuts to Rachel being interviewed by Jacob for the school paper, and his blog. He tries to get Rachel to pull off her shirt and show her boobies.  A few scenes later, Finn will run lines with Rachel, which will lead to him being a little too close, and Rachel meeting April Rhodes, which leads to all kinds of drama. I would mention this later, but the stuff that happens in-between and after are so much more interesting.

In Will's office, he has that great terrible idea I mentioned earlier. He discovers that April Rhodes never actually graduated, and uses Google to find April. He of course sets up a meeting with her. He does this through April's myspace page. She's online! He meets her at a beautiful house in midtown. She and her tits are drinking a box of wine, and it turns out, squatting in this house as it's not hers. Which would be the definition of squatting. After a bit of leisurely flirtations, they are chased out by the realtor, and April reveals that her life went downhill fast. Will offers to re-enroll her at WMHS, and put her in his Spanish class. She accepts his offer, and thus begins her reign of awesomeness at William McKinley High School.

The next day, she shows up at glee club, and performs Maybe This Time. I LOVE THIS SONG! It was my ringback tone for almost a year. The scene shows both her and Rachel performing the number, as it happens to be from Cabaret, which is the show that Rachel is performing presently and the reason she's not in Glee club. Everybody loves her rendition, which is appropriate since it kicks fucking ass like you wouldn't believe. There is still some trepidation from the members of glee club though, which Will addresses with April the next day. She's not doing so well in class either. Will suggests that she try to win them over. This goes to a fantastic montage of her winning over the glee clubbers. It starts with her introducing Kurt to Chablis, and says that a few swigs of that in the morning will give him all the courage he needs to be himself. She also gives him a stack of vintage muscle magazines, which he appreciates a bit too much.

She then teaches Tina and Mercedes how to sneak things out of stores by wedging it between their knees. She says she once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party, with the candles still lit. For the boys, she is seen exiting the showers in the locker room donned only in a jersey and a towel around her head. The boys all look overly pleased with themselves, which lends itself to a delightfully wild imagination on my part. I take everything to a dark place, and child molestation is the darkest of the dark in my book. Granted, everything ends up ok, because it means that the students all accept and love them some Kristen Chenoweth. Who wouldn't? She's mother-effing Kristen Chenoweth. So everything is peachy keen, right? Right? Oh no.

"oh bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mom"

In the hallways, Emma makes a sniffy motion, as Kurt walks by, she address him simply, "Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol." Kurt be drunk. Not just drunk... drank. Kurt be drank. After a tragic line that brings to mind all of hte saddest memories of my childhood, Kurt proceeds to ruin Emma's shoes and presumably everything else she's wearing with a whole lotta puke. Emma goes to the emergency room where she is given four decontamination showers, and then goes to see Will to talk to him about this situation. Will is shocked, and Emma is pretty sure it wasn't a fake ID that Kurt used to get the booze, since "he looks like an eleven year-old milk maid" Startlingly, she thinks it was April. Emma, of course, expresses her concern with the way things are going, and what Will is doing in an effort to win.

Fuck. I don't want to talk about this because of how much I hate Rachel, but on the stage show front, Sandy is terrorizing Rachel slowly but surely. He is making her life miserable in an effort to get her to quit so that he can star in the show. This of course leads Rachel to tears in the bathroom, where she has a talk with April Rhodes who needs some NyQuil. There is all kinds of bitchmode going on in this bathroom. Since when did it become ok to have scenes in the bathroom with Rachel? Granted it will eventually lead to a Lady Gaga song, but right now, they seem needless and awkward. Eventually, we cut to the bowling alley, where Rachel and Finn are bowling. I know, right what a surprise. Shut up. In the same bowling alley is Schu and April. They discuss April going sober, April agrees, but don't hold her to it. She was drunk at the time. As we all know, nothing said while drunk counts. They sing a duet, because this bowling alley has a karaoke machine too.

It is a lovely rendition of Heart's Alone. The lip syncing could use a little bit of work, but realistically, it's a pretty good example of the joy that Kristen gives me. Have you heard the song Taylor, the Latte Boy? It's fucking fantastic. I encourage going and listening to it right this very moment. In fact, I am going to youtube right this moment. You'll thank me after you watch this video, then you'll go and download every album she's ever sung on. This is not up for discussion.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, bowling. Finn flirts, then kisses Rachel, which is no bueño. It's one of several instance in which Finn will abuse Rachel and her feelings for the sake of getting what he wants. In this instance, he tells her he wants to spend more time with her, and she takes him at face value. In the choir room, Puck tells everybody Quinn's dirty secret, this of course is interjected with Rachel returning to glee, which means that bitches be telling Rachel that Finn & Quinn be having a baby. Rachel = butthurt. Naturally, she slaps Finn in the hallway and calls him all kinds of bad things. He tries to explain to Rachel, but she tell shim he's a stupid face. She storms off, again, and runs into Sylvester saying that changes need to be made, and Sue grants her complete artistic control, securing the fact that Rachel won't be leaving anytime soon. 

In cowboy town, the choir is dressed in all kinds of black with piping. It's like somebody reached into my head and pulled out costumes from my fantasy. Emma confronts Will after a seriously drunk April enters the choir room after nearly running over Emma in the parking lot. They perform Carry Underwood's Last Name. It's pretty much made out of love, sex and magic. As a brief addendum, you should watch BBC's Merlin if you want to understand how Katrina and I say the word magic. It's kind of essential to understanding the importance of the word. Truth. Back on the show, the audience loves this drunken song, and Rachel/Emma hate it. Will looks on confused and worried, as the prepare for a costume change. 

Back in the hallway, Will tells April she's not part of glee club anymore because she broke her promise to stay sober. Will apologizes to the glee club, and suggests cutting the show short. Rachel enters suddenly and asks to perform with them. They perform Queen's Somebody to Love. I really love the costumes for this song. I would wear this on the daily if I thought I could pull it off, but bitch be a fatty and thus bitch aint trying to wear anything that requires tucking in a shirt. The song is well received, and I genuinely love this version. Especially since, as a very bad gay man, I am not a fan of Queen. I know, disappointing right? The song and show end simultaneously with a high note about finding somebody to love.