Gleewind : S01E09

Just The Facts : Originally aired on the 11th of November, this ninth episode of glee, entitled Wheels is one of my top five favorites. It was celebrated by critics and viewers alike because of the serious nature of the episode and it's presentation of disabilities. It's not easy to discuss sensitive subjects in popular media, but Glee has managed to do so in an effortless, impressive manner that brings to mind ABC specials and lifetime movies of the week. That said, let's get on with this. Fade in, gym, the Cheerios are practicing an overly complicated routine involving jump ropes. In the bleachers, Quinn watches longingly. Remember, she got kicked off the team.

Finn arrives, and tries to talk Quinn into leaving the gym. It doesn't work so well. This is about the point when I determine that women just straight-up can't be trusted. This, ladies n' gentlemen, is why I'm a gay. Quinn is pregnant, remember? Remember how Finn's not the daddy, but Quinn says he is because she's giving up the baby and doesn't want anything to do with the real daddy? Yeah, well now she's trying to get Finn to pay for all of her baby bills. Legit. She's pretty much guilting him into paying her shit because she's a fucking slutface. Finn promises to find a job, but frankly, I'm not happy with this in the slightest.

Ring-transition to an interview between my favorite character, Jakob, with Ms. Sue Sylvester. Sue reveals that she got rid of Quinn because she needs to appeal to the judges of her cheerleading competitions and that pregnant girls aren't good cheerleaders. Seamlessly, they fade to Will and Figgins discussing transportation to Sectionals. Figgins has cut the handicapable bus, so Artie needs to find his own ride. Naturally, Will is butt-hurt. When is Will not butt-hurt? For serious. He goes into some lengthy diatribe about being in glee when e was young and how the traveling to performances and competitions were some of the best times he remembered. What bullshit. We hated traveling to competitions. Seriously. It was a pain in the ass, in a gigantic charter bus, with 60 other smelly choir kids, usually early in the morning, with no bathroom and a whole lot of pissy attitudes. I hated riding to competitions.

This leads to a title card, and then a cut to the choir room. Will does some research and discovers that past winners of Sectionals, Regionals and Nationals have won with broadway, and standards. So, he suggests performing Defying Gravity. Kurt's litte gay self is all kinds of thrilled. We discover that he has an iPod shuffle "dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked." He seems really stoked, until Will tells Rachel she'll be singing it. Ok. Freeze frame. Have you been paying attention to the screen caps I've been posting? If you've never seen the show, these caps are important. Imagine if you will, seeing Rachel Berry singing Defying Gravity for the first time. No, you know what, imagine seeing Rachel Berry for the first time. Bitch looks identical to Idina Menzel. It's actually creepy. At this point, everybody is throwing around WILD speculation that Idina will be playing Rachel's long lost mother. Ryan Murphy actually goes on the record as saying that Idina will most definitely not be playing Rachel's mother when she joins the cast as a special guest star later in the season. Having Rachel sing this song in an episode would be outrageous!

Anyway, back in the choir room, I guess technically we never left, but it sounded good at the time, Will reveals that he wants to have a bake sale to raise the $600 for the handicapable bus to get Artie to Sectionals. The glee club is not so interested in this idea. They bitch, moan, groan whine and complain. They actually make the suggestion that Artie's dad bring him to Sectionals. He feigns understanding, and after the bell rings, he has a heart-to-heart with Will and that inevitably cuts to the first music number of the episode, at 6:37. Artie sings Dancing With Myself on stage, then sings it rolling through the halls. He pretty much kicks ass at all things associated with dancing in a wheel chair. It's obvious that he's not the one at the helm for most of the shots, and we also get the first hint that he's all kinds of in love with Stuttering-Tina. Post song, Will finds Artie singing and feels, you guessed it, butt-hurt.

Back in the choir room at 8:16, Kurt, wearing this OUTRAGEOUS bandana on his head, says he is demanding to audition for the Wicked solo. It gains applause and celebration from the glee club, but Will immediately shoots down the ideas saying that "Rachel is fine for the female lead." He promises to find something else for Kurt though, which leaves everybody is shock and awe. Essentially, discrimination in practice ladies n' gents. For serious. After that drama, Will expresses how he's not mad at everybody, he's disappointed in them for how they treated Artie. This makes a chance for a great exchange. Rachel says, "We didn't think you'd take it personally." To which Artie replies, "Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally." Will, of course, continues his obnoxious speech, and demands a bake sale. Likewise, he has purchased numerous wheel chairs and has decided that everybody will be spending three hours a day in a wheelchair and will be performing a wheelchair number.

[Insert montage of just how difficult it is to live in a wheelchair here] No onward to the home economics room, where Quinn is making cupcakes. Puck gives Quinn the $18 he has from his above-ground pool cleaning business. Quinn refuses the money and says she'll go to her grave swearing it was Finn's. Then they have a food fight? Ok. Seriously, never in my life have I had any discussion descend into a sexy food fight. Furthermore, food fights aren't sexy. Finn shows up and seems confused as to what's happening, and everything be straight up crazy. At the Hummel Auto-Shop, Kurt and his dad, Burt, have a discussion about the discrimination. They discuss 'cross-over' and openness with regard to gender roles. Kurt says that some girl, Lauren Zizes just joined the boys' wrestling team, but to do so, her parents had to sue the school. Yeah... that's not how that works. Having been discriminated against for having a bad case of the gay, I can say without doubt that suing the school isn't the way to go about getting vindication.

"...or the fact that he's queer as a three-dollar bill" 

The next day at school, Burt says that they can't discriminate against his kid, because of his sex, religion, political affiliation or the fact that he's as queer as a three dollar bill. It leads to a crazy ass argument. Eventually, Will agrees, because he's a fucking pussy who can't stick up for himself. He breaks the news that there will be a competition between Kurt and Rachel for the solo, and that the glee club will judge the diva-off. This will result in the WORST RENDITION OF DEFYING GRAVITY EVER! Later, in Figgins' office, Will and Figgins discuss adding handicap ramps, which Sue dubs, lazy-makers. Figgins derails the discussion by suggesting that Sue hold open-auditions to fill her empty Cheerios spot. Sue is adamantly against this idea.

In the cafeteria, the glee club is failing at selling cupcakes. Brittany gives the local retard girl, ok fine, she's got the downs, a dollar to buy a cupcake. At the tryouts, Sue is pretty much turning down everybody who shows up. Finally, Becky Jackson shows up with a jump-rope. Will tells Sue to be nice, and Sue stops Becky early in her audition to tell her she's made the team. Will thinks that Sue is up to something. Sue says she's just following orders. In the halls, Finn and Puck have a cripple-fight. Seriously. It's a fight, in wheel-chairs. It's fucking fantastic! Boyfights are enough fun on their own, but boyfights in wheel chairs is BOMB! This transitions to the rehearsals for the wheel-chair number in the auditorium. Tina and Artie have a heart-to-heart, in which Artie reveals how he lost the control of his legs. Artie makes it very clear that he still has the use of his penis. In a brief stop at the choir room, Kurt practices reaching a high-F, while back at the Hummel body shop, Burt gets a call letting him know that his son is a fag. It shakes him to the core, and things are weird when Kurt comes back later on in the day.

Back at school, we discover that Puck, being the genius he is, bought pot from Sandy Ryerson and made cupcakes with it to be sold for the glee club to make money. First of all, obviously nobody who works on this show has ever made drug-laced sweets because that shit is obvious. It stinks up the entire building you're baking in, and, in the long run, is noticeable to whoever is eating the sweets. Unrealism FTL. Will and Sue fight about Becky in the gym, and at 30 minutes, we go to the choir room for a horrible rendition of Defying Gravity by Kurt and Rachel. Kurt blows the high note, on purpose and Rachel wins. It doesn't matter though, this is the last we'll ever hear of this song. An interesting side note to this episode is that this competition is based on an actual experience of Chris Colfer, the actor who plays Kurt.

Puck tries to give Quinn some money he pocketed from the bake sale. She refuses. Finn and Rachel get Finn a job at a local business because he's in his wheel chair.  Artie is tasked with taking the money to Figgins to pay for the bus. Artie turns it down and offers instead to spend the money on putting ramps into the auditorium, and catching a ride with his dad to Sectionals. Sue cuts in line, and buys three new handicap ramps for the school so that they can use the money for the Sectionals bus. Cut to Sue at a hospital where she is checking on her sister, who has the downs. Now, I know that I have a tendency to seem cold and heartless. I make inappropriate jokes and really, my life is all about being a sensationalist. It was at this humanizing moment that I started to cry like a menopausal woman. The humanization of Sue is something with which I have continued problems. I love to hate this character, but her altruistic moments make me love to love her.

Back at school, Artie and Tina have a wheel chair race in the halls. They share a kiss. It's a heartwarming moment that really adds some legitimacy to the show. Tina then confesses that she doesn't have a stutter. She pretended to have one in 6th grade because she didn't want to give a speech. Artie blows the fuck up and judges the shit out of her. He decides that he can't dig on somebody who doesn't have a disability. What an asshole, right? Fuck you Artie. Burt and Kirt discuss the competition and Kurt admits that he blew the note on purpose for the sake of his family. How noble, right?

In the auditorium, they do the wheelchair number. Which happens to be Proud Mary... This shit be outrageous. Legit. I wish there was a video available that I could link back, because no number of photographs can accurately convey the sheer level of ridiculousness that is displayed here. And, that's what you missed on GLEE. Another gleecap tomorrow at 3 pm.