Driving Miss Daisy

"An old nigger and an old Jew woman takin' off down the road together... that is one sorry sight! "-- State Trooper

Now, this may come as a shock to you, but I think I might be a racist. For that matter, I think I might be a sexist too. Furthermore, I'm pretty much a bad human being, and I'm probably going to hell. I know, I know, Kate Monster and Princeton taught us that everyone is a little bit racist, (Or in the case of Christmas Eve, a ritter bit lacist) but I honestly don't think there is a single combination of race, intelligence, gender, sexual orientation of religion that I genuinely wouldn't make fun of if presented with the opportunity. Sure, there are the easy ones, like black lesbian Jewish lawyers, and female Asian drivers, but when it comes right down to it, I don't think there is a single person that is off limits for me. I make fun of the gays all the time, so it's not a personal thing. Same with white people. Even intelligent beautiful people with enormous IQs and fabulous style aren't safe from my tongue. Ok, that came out wrong, but you know what I mean. 

I came to this realization this morning at Netflix, because we just hired on four new people. I haven't really bothered learning their names, because history tells me that three of them will quit, or be fired within two months. Today though, I got to interact with each of them directly, and I had a complaint about every one of them, and since I didn't bother to learn any of their names, I referred to them by descriptors of their physical appearance, using age, race and gender. I think I take it for granted that my friends and I share a very similar sense of humor and collection of morals. Had anybody except the people I talk to on the regular heard me discussing these new hires the way I was, I probably would have been fired and handed a discrimination lawsuit. 


I blame a lot of this on my mother. I highly doubt it was her intention, but growing up in a high-tension, multi-racial household for the majority of my youth, caused me to ignore the lines of race, age, gender and religion while interjecting humor at inappropriate times in an effort to communicate myself more broadly. My mother, being what one might have considered a ... skank-ass ho, had three children. All by different men. So I was not only the only white kid on my block, I was the only white kid in the house. So, a lot of the time, I used my inappropriately-timed humor to annoy, pester, and otherwise torture my kid brothers. Likewise, growing up as a member of the gay youth in Omaha, Nebraska, I had blurred lines of sex, sexuality and religious importance. I recognize that these basic difference exist, they just don't mean anything to me, and when it comes to personal communication, everybody is a grey shapeless blob until I need to describe them to somebody else, and frankly, it's easier to describe somebody with what makes them different that with what makes them similar. 


Somehow, I seem to align myself with similarly-minded people, and this causes trouble when meeting new people who have to be given a list of warnings and disclaimers before I start talking to them. Unfortunately, work doesn't lend itself to such things, so I continually have a difficult time filtering my thoughts as they slip through my larynx and shape themselves into words. I personify it this way, because a lot of the time, it's like word-vomit. I physically can't control the things I say. I have spent so long being surrounded by people who appreciate my bluntness and forward nature, that it has become nearly-impossible to stop being 'that-guy'. It's actually pretty gosh-darn frustrating, because I'm really a nice person. I treat people well, and if I make jokes at your expense, it is actually a term of endearment, and a way of me showing my affection and comfort with you. 


I mean, come on! I call my roommate, and blogmate Kaka. It's the name of poop. It is an outrageous nickname that really shouldn't ever be spoken because it's disrespectful and kind of icky, but it has roots in laughability and True Blood, and everytime I use it, I'm convinced that Katrina understands that I'm not saying it to be mean or cruel to her, but rather as a method of expressing my comfort with her and her place in my life. So, I'm thinking I should probably open up with this blog post from now on, to let people know that I'm really kind of an asshole until you get used to my sense of humor. On a related note, I talk during movies, make commentary during television shows, even when alone, and have a tendency to say the most extreme and outlandish thing possible without any real effort. 


If I'm bold enough to do this in front of you, it means I'm comfortable with you and genuinely enjoy your presence in my life. If something I say offends you, don't hesitate to let me know. I can't promise I'll never say it again, but I can promise that I will try to be more considerate when around you, at the very least. That said, I need to poop. Peace Niggas!