Gleecap : S02E10

So, here's what you missed on Glee. It's Christmas in Lima, Ohio! William McKinley High School is filled with decorations and unacceptable sweaters. The Teacher's Lounge has christmas tree after Christmas tree, and everybody seems bright and vibrant, it's another wonderful day in Los Angeles Ohio. You'll notice that there are almost no outside shots this episode, because Los Angeles look nothing like Ohio in the wintertime. Regardless of the outrageousness in dress, decoration and unseasonably warm weather, we find Emma and Will in the Teachers' Lounge. 

She has picked up on the fact that Will is seventeen different kinds of butthurt since Emma ran off to Vegas to get married. She suggests that things might not be ok between them, DUH. You're the school counselor. How can you be so dense Emma? Seriously. What did you think? Everything was going to be all smiles and happy sexytiems? NO. He effing loves you, you stupid cunt. We learn that Will is going to be alone for Christmas, and Emma adds insult to injury by inviting him to a Christmas party. Bieste enters with the secret santa tub, and everybody pulls their name. Emma looks none-too-thrilled, and Will get's Coach Sylvester. 

Ringing bell transition to Brittany, who we learn still believes in Santa, and Arti, who is wearing the first of SEVERAL sweaters. Pay attention to these sweaters ladies n' gentlemen. If you're not sure what to get me for Christmas, boom. Any one of the outrageous sweaters I will post at the end of this Gleecap will be smashing. Brittany suggests that the roads to the north pole are getting treacherous and that Artie should write his letter quickly and send it off. "and remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf." Last week, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about them dumbing and childizing Brittany even more than they've done so far. This episode, umm, yeah. I am loving me some Brittany. Not to mention to boyfriend points that Artie wins for being fucking awesome and promoting her continued belief in Santa. Who takes at least four forms through the course of the show today, btdubs.

As a side note, has anybody else noticed that Myspace seems to have vanished from this show? It was like a key point in the first season, but so far, facebook is where it is at in the gleeverse. Cut to aspecial title card, and at 2:22 we get our first song of the episode. I missed having an opening song to look forward to in every episode. There is something about it that gets me geared up for the show. Luckily, we won't be having all twelve songs from the christmas album in this episode, which is refreshing. I've been listening to that thing for weeks now. 

The first song is The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year, from the Rudolph special from my childhood. It is sung to the glee kids decorating their sad little Christmas tree in the choir room. It's adorable, and very indicative of the glee club. If you don't have the Christmas soundtrack, I encourage picking it up, this song happens to be track five. Laren Zizes is still a member of glee club, which hopefully is a sign of things to come. The whole group seems genuinely happy. How can you not be happy when singing Christmas music? You'll note the absence of Chris Colfer's voice, bcause he's at Dalton still. Eventually, this breaks up to show Schu coming into the choir room and asking about the origins of the tree, presents and ornaments.

Tree fell off some dude's car, ornaments from a recently murdered holiday hoarder, and presents froma  display at the mall. Schu isn't happy. Big surprise, right? The glee club does something to feel like a family, and Will gets all butt-hurt because he has no family, and nobody loves him and he's adopted. Ok, well, I don't know about the last one, but it's what I'd say to him to shut him up, especially after he suggests that they should raise money for a local homeless shelter by caroling from classroom to classroom. Seriously? Is Will retarded? I think so. He honestly thinks this is a good idea, kudos to his actor for the excellent portrayal of a pretarded douchetool. He says, with the creepiest smile ever in the history of mankind, that, "This year, Glee Club's goin' full-santa." Which, I can only assume is something akin to going full-monty only with a lot less sex-appeal. Unless it involves Noah, Will, Finn & Sam going shirtless for the remainder of the episode ... which it doesn't. 

5:55 Another song, the glee club is performing We Need A Little Christmas, track one from the album, in a classroom, while wearing matching sweater/scarf sets... Seriously, this whole scene was falshbacks to high school. Does anybody else remember the yearly caroling at school? *shudder* They've brought a whole band, and the students are not so thrilled about this performance. In fact, the teacher throws a shoe at them. Cutting back to the choir room, we find that Schu bought them a new tree to decorate.

 Oh yeah, and Brittany chimes in, as everybody is being emo/angstacular with a declaration that this year, she asked Santa to make the Glee Club not get picked on anymore. Seriously. How selfless can somebody be? It's like she's made of fucking magic. Artie reveals that she's being serious and believes in Santa. There is some discussion about whether to burst her bubble or not, and Artie tells them he has a plan. Rachel, who doesn't care about anybody but herself, uses this opportunity to tell Finn to meet her in the auditorium tomorrow at 4pm. Stupid bitch. You fucked up. I  mean COME ON! Let him come around on his own.

Schemey-face.

PAUSE. Artie's schemey face is fucking epic. I don't say much is epic. I think it's overused and ill-advised at least 90% of the time. His scheme, and I'm not sure how it's really a scheme, is to have Brittany watch the entire club go see Santa at the mall. Cut to said mall, where Brittany approaches a friendly elf who looks like she just came back from the longest smoke break of her life and says, "Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave. Just know you have rights."

The entire Glee Club, or the people it was easy to film, get onto Santa's lap to help reinforce Brittany's belief by making her think that everybody believes and that it is entirely normal to continue believing. Some of the best lines in the history of Glee happen in the next thirty seconds, which have been quoted as the captions for the following photographs. 

"I am not sitting on that guy's lap. Santa's lap is always warm, and it's kinda creepy."

"I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries, and ... ok, one of us smells like McDonalds"

"I want Puckerman to love me, he's a fox. I would also like some sweet potato fries."

"I want bling. I can't be any more specific than that. Wait! Hold up, please tell me that is a roll of certs in your pocket."

"Do you have anything for stretch marks?"

"When does Asian Santa arrive?"

"I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff."

"Santa you're a lot more tan." "That's because at the North Pole, there's a hole in the o-zone"

So, Brittany tells Black Santa that she wants Artie to walk for Christmas. Santa actually goes for it and says he can pull it off. Seriously, Black Santa? Why are you such a douche?! Did you miss the international throat-slitting stfu from Artie? You can't make a cripple walk. You're a fucking mall Santa. just say, "Damn kid, that's rough, can't do that, not enough Christmas magic in these old bones, try me next year." No, you had to go and screw some shit up le sigh. Now I need an outrageously expensive and over-produced musical number from Rachel in the auditorium. Luckily, at 9:36 we get one. 

 Cut to the Auditorium, which has no less than a dozen lit blue and silver Christmas trees, and the entire jazz band. Finn shows up, and Rachel gives him a gift, explaining that she doesn't do it often because she's a Jew. There is also a brief, yet terrifying dark moment, where Rachel explains that she likes her presents to be just right, and that we wouldn't believe how many kittens she gave away because they weren't perfect. Oh yeah, her gift is a note that promises a song of her choosing to the bearer of the note. It is to be sung with love. Finn sees through her clever attempt at making him forgive her, but refuses to do so. Good job, Finn! Them jews be crazy bitches. lemme tell ya. He storms off and the jazz band asks if they should leave. She says no because the AV Club worked so hard on the snow. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. Where is the money for these numbers coming from. I can understand if they were dream sequences, or something like that, but no. This is legit, she makes reference to the decorations twice in the preceding conversation. I don't know if you've ever purchased, or made fake snow for a show, but that shit is expensive. She commences a three minute song with snow falling the entire time. If this is the plastic snow, umm, damn. Even making it yourself is a costly pain in the ass, and the AV club could have saved this shit for a much bigger production than one three-minute song. Not to mention the fact that this shit gets caught in the rafters and falls MONTHS after a holiday show has closed. Just as anybody who has ever worked A Christmas Carol at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Anyway, after much annoyance from me, and a harp solo, we cut to Will, writing down gift ideas for Sue. 

That doesn't matter though, because Kurt is in the Senior Commons of Dalton Academy studying Charlemagne, when the ever-stunning Blaine enters, stage right, wielding a CD player, and a request for assistance rehearsing Baby It's Cold Outside, the Lady Antebellum version, which happens to be the fourth song on the album, and at 53 plays, the number two song in my library. Soul Sister is first, with 85 plays. Do not judge me, dammit. Instead, enjoy these screencaps of the two boys performing, again thanks to Fox 41 for providing these screencaps which I most certainly did not take from an illegally downloaded copy of the episode that was downloaded from eztv.it.

 The whole scene is just awkwardly adorable enough to make it seem realistic. I will say though tht if they end up dating, I'm going to be angry. I have a hard enough time convincing my friends and family that two gay men can honestly be just friends without it being a sexual interaction. I'd much rather see Blaine continue to be a mentor and big-brother figure for Kurt. It would make the whole series ten times better in my book, but he's already contracted for next year, which means I'll be disappointed somehow. dammit.

 

 

 

This eventually leads into Will Scheuster's arrival at Dalton Academy, where he asks for Kurt's help in finding a present for Sue Sylvester. During their exchange, we learn that Kurt is in fact, 'in love' with Blaine. Frankly, I find it highly suspect that Blaine doesn't already have a boyfriend in this universe. Regardless though, this eventually cuts to Schu and Emma walking down the hall, and Emma confiding that she drew, you guessed it, Sue Sylvester, as her Secret Santa. Naturally, Will is schocked, I don't know why, everybody should have seen this coming, they are declaring their shock and awe when Bieste shows up and they discover, from Sue herself, that Secret Santa was rigged. GASP! Say it ain't so! Timmy's caught in a well, AND Sue stole Christmas? Grinch parallels abound. 

Speaking of which, Will calls Sue a Grinch and tells her she won't be getting away with this. After a commercial break, and a scene involving Sue stealing a santa hat from Lauren, we cut to Will dressed like a dapper lumber-dyke repossessing all of Sue's gifts and repurposing them as donations to the homeless shelter. AWW! The magic of Christmas. So, those presents get put under the tree in the choir room, and all is well in Whoville, which is when we cut to the footballers trying to convince Bieste to dress up as Santa, break into Brittany's house, tell her he can't make Artie walk, begrudgingly, Bieste agrees and we cut to Becky and Sue in the Coach's office. 

They are dressing up as a reindog, and The Grinch which leads to a montage of Sue stealing Christmas from the choir room, which Will sings You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch, also on the soundtrack, namely track 10. Of course, in proper Whovillian fashion, Brittany Loo-Who arrives and asks what's up to Santa, which is met with a lame excuse and Brittany, being adorable as shit, takes it as the Word of God, and goes on home. How she got into the school this late after hours is beyond me, seriously. What is up with these kids, do they just not have homes to be at?

The next day everybody wonders what happened, and Brittany makes excuses for Suenta. rachel, again because she only cares about herself, uses this an an opportunity to rope Finn into shopping for a new tree with her. At the tree lot, she sings Last Christmas from both last year's super special christmas album, and from this year's as well. Then she tries to kiss him, and he bails. Presumably, he leaves her at the tree lot, which is kind of bunk, because they definitely drove to the lot together, So, fuck you, Finn, way to be a douche. Remember ladies, this is why you always carry fifty cents so you can call a cab to take you home. 

The next day, there is some sort of a discussion about Gift of the Magi, in which Will sums it up as 'Like freakin' sucks." Yeah. no joke. I'm thinking nobody on staff actually read Gift of the Magi. Will goes into some spiel about the magic of christmas and I didn't pay much attention. I was too pissed off about them getting the gist of the story incorrect and educating millions of viewers who will probably say something similar in class sometime soon and will cause English teachers everywhere to exhale a sigh of frustration and defeat. Ryan Murphy, I am disappointed in you. You too Jew-writers. 

Bieste-Santa tells Brittany she can't make Artie walk. There was also some humanizing of Bieste in which she explains that all she wanted was to be like the other girls and Santa couldn't do that for her either. Leaving through the front door, Bieste-Santa explains that on dry-runs, Santa uses the isuzu. The next day, which seems like a trend in this episode, Brittany is shown taking down the decorations from her locker, because she's all butt-hurt about Santa not granting her wish. Will walks by and says he needs Brit & Artie in the Teacher's Lounge, but Artie feels like cutting classes with Brittany because her faith in Santa has been shaken... Yep. They get to leave school early because her belief in Santa is broken. Yep. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Is this an acid trip?

At 35:30, in the Teachers Lounge, the glee club, sans skippers, sings Welcome Christmas from How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and secret track 13 on the Christmas Album while teachers and Figgins put donations into a pail that was stolen from a Salvation Army ringer. Sue hears the singing and is enraged, but Becky reminds her, "Christmas came anyway, Coach, it's beautiful." This leads to The glee club, and  Schu walking to the choir room, where we discover Artie and his new toy, a Rewalk, which was discovered under Brittany's Christmas tree, and we learn, left by Bieste. Yay for Christmas miracles! Aww. Artie does some walking, and we keep getting shots of Schuester in his OUTRAGEOUS VEST! Seriously, look at that thing. It's like a steampunk christmas.

Cut to Schu's apartment, where we find Suenta has taken the liberty of using the key she had made, "ages ago," to set up a Christmas tree, along with the help of her gleelves. We get a hair joke, finally, and the Glee-clubbers enter, stage-right and Sue admits, "I don't hate the holidays, I just hate you." And that's what you missed, on glee.

 As we should all know by now, this is my final gleecap for the next two months. We will be glee-deprived until February 6th, 2011, when Glee returns for a special, later-aired episode taht will be focused on the Superbowl. I anticipate sexy times for a few people. Likewise, Finn & Rachel will likely reconnect. Blaine and Kurt will get closer, much to my chagrin and Lauren Zizes will continue to be a member of the glee club. I anticipate if she is a member for another episode, she'll likely get a solo of some sort. So, if you watched it, what did you think of this first half of the season? By the bay, fret not Blog-buddies, I have decided that, due to popular request, I will be writing retroactive recaps of the entire series starting at S01E01. They will be my Gleewinds, and you should expect them to start at some point in the near future. So, until then. Enjoy your day!