Gleewind : S01E03

Just the Facts: Originally aired on September 16, 2009, this is the third episode of Glee. It is entitled Acafellas a portmanteau of A Cappella and Fellas. In it, we meet Will's parents and we have our first big guest star/cameo. Will's parents are portrayed by Victor Garber and Debra Monk, both of whom are sensational actors in their own right. Regrettably, we don't see Victor sing, which would have set my soul on fire. Fade in, dinner at the Scheuster household.

Will, Terri and Will's parents are having dinner. They get the good news, and everybody, except Terri, is thrilled! remember, last episode, we discovered that Terri isn't in fact pregnant. Will gets some advice from his father on parenting. It's a great heart to heart after-school-special moment where we discover that Will's father gave up on his dream of becoming a lawyer. Sad pandas. This transitions to the choir room where we find Schu teaching the glee club how to dance. 

Kurt is wearing a whole lot of awesome. Including white pants. White pants! How daring. The cheerleaders are in their uniforms as usual, more than just a symbol of status, which you'll learn in due time. Rachel is looking like a twelve year old special needs student as she confronts Will about his lackluster choreography. Having been influenced by Quinn and Santana, Rachel suggests that they hire Dakota Stanley. Aside from being the most feared show choir director/choreographer in the history of mankind, he is my personal idol for the duration of this episode. His lines are dripping with the sweet cum of a jew-writer's jack off. That means they're awesome. Shut up, you knew what I meant. Regardless, I'm sure you guessed that Q and Santana are being put up to this by Sue, who theorizes that Dakota will destroy the glee club by breaking their 'little-engine-that-could' spirit. 

We learn from a quick conference with Emma that Will never had the guts to try out for anything after high school. We also get a god-sent line from Emma, "They say it takes more certainty than talent to be  star, I mean look at John Stamos." yet again, if I had been sitting in a chair, instead of lounging on the floor like a kid eating popcorn at Christmas, I would have fallen out of it laughing. Will is nervous about being a father, and Emma reveals that she is in a legit relationship with Ken, which isn't going too well, as is made obvious by the wincey sneer she gives the camera. 

After a title card, the scene shifts to the Teachers Lounge. I don't know what it is. I actually love this particular set. The choir room is crappy, and most of the other sets are less-than desirable in my eyes, but the Teachers Lounge always feels like home to me. Sandy, Will and Ken are sitting down to welcome back a teacher, Henri, who had to spend some time in a hospital after cutting his thumbs off in a not-so-freak shop class accident. Sandy reveals that he is not permitted within 50 feet of children, and that he said to Figgins, "You're going to have a school full of nancies if you don't get some hot wood into those teenagers' hands." thereby establishing the shop class for Henri to teach. Howard, an employee at Sheets N' Things, brings an inappropriately shaped cake and the five men swap stories of their life, before a rousing rendition of For He's A Jolly Good Fellow. They decide it would be a good idea to start a boy band. Hilarity ensues. 

Insert outrageous montage time of dancing in Will's living room. They discuss what to name their group and come up with some winners, Crescendudes, Testostertones, and Acafellas. Acafellas wins by a landslide, coincidentally, this is Howard's suggestion. At that moment, Sandy arrives wearing well, wearing ... oh fuck it. Check the pic. It's too much to explain right now. multi-colored shirt-front ruffles are never an ok item. The rest of the group agrees that when Sandy's in the group, it's creepy. So, he's out. This is also the unfortunate point when EVERYTHING GETS AUTOTUNED in the show. Seriously, the autotuning is just not ok from this point onward, there are point where the voices don't even sound human. It was one of the reasons I stopped downloading the songs for a little while, but eventually my need for a glee fix took over. 

There is a brief montage in which we discover that Terri is essentially having sex with Will nightly in an effort to conceive so shit doesn't get real. That quickly transitions to the choir room where Rachel says that Will isn't coming to rehearsal. It seems he's missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks. She tries bribing him with cookies, but he suggests getting Dakota, an idea I'm all for having watched this episode at least a billion times so far. Everybody accuses Rachel of fucking up. They vote, and decide to hire Dakota Stanley. 

Bell-ring transition. Finn chases Rachel, and they argue about what to do to save glee club. Rachel reminds everybody that she only cares about herself and what she's going to get out of this whole glee club thing. She's so fucking grating. The buzz-words of this episode are guts, and confidence. This is a strange trend that they went though for several episodes. Great for drinking games, but that's about it. Finn threatens to quit glee if they hire Dakota Stanley, which is an empty threat.

In the hallway, Mercedes looks all kinds of sad because everybody is being all lovey-dovey except her. She asks Kurt if he's ever kissed anybody. He responds in the negative, and after a heart-to-heart, they make plans to hit the mall after school. In the gleeverse, there is no recession, and every moment is an opportunity for fashion. Leaving Mercedes alone gives Santana and Quinn the perfect opportunity to murmur into her ear that Kurt sure would make a great boyfriend. le sigh. This is going to end very bad. 

The Acafellas perform at a local bar, impressing Figgins who needs an act to perform at an upcoming PTA meeting. Emma creepily applauds for Ken, and Will's parents are seen getting all kinds of liquored up. I have to admit, Will's mother reminds me a lot of my own, when she reveals that she didn't have to show her bosoms, her words, not mine, to sell his CD at said gig. I LOL'd. Figgins secures the Acafellas for the PTA gig, it'll keep the parents happy. They found out they've been serving the children prison food. This is bad it seems. Whatevs. The next day, in the Teachers Lounge, they read a review, where they discover that Howard is the least-favorite member of the group. It must have been a REALLY slow news day in Lima, Ohio. 

Sandy enters and says that Josh Groban is coming to the PTA event. This gives us a pretty darn tootin' good line from the episode. When asked who Josh Groban is, Sandy responds by saying, "Who is Josh Groban?! Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us, and if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice award." We find out that Sandy has been stalking Josh Groban for sometime now. A show of hands... who isn't surprised? Sandy tries to take a spot in the group, and is turned down yet again, despite the fact that Josh is looking for an opening act. 

At Carmel High, we find Kurt and the girls. We learn that he got his car for his Sweet 16, when he swore to his dad to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. They're here to find and secure Dakota Stanley. Vocal Adrenaline rehearses everyday from 2:30 until midnight. Mercedes and Kurt flirt and they make plans for a movie night at Kurt's house. The girls from VA say not to hire Dakota, because he's a monster. To which I say, "I'm not the monster here, you are!" We get a great performance of Mercy by Vocal Adrenaline, followed by a meeting with Dakota Stanley where he reveals that his price is $8000 per number, plus a $10000 bonus if they place in the top three. 

In the choir room, Will and Ken practice dance moves, as Howard calls to quit the band. It just wasn't his dream. Emma comes in and says that Henri has been sent to the emergency room, and isn't permitted to return until he's been to rehab. So Acafellas is officially doomed now. That's sad. Emma and Will have a moment, by moment, I mean she givves him some counseling, which leads to Schu posting an ad on Craigslist, during which Finn talks to him and says he's quitting glee. What happened to the blackmail? In the meantime, Will & Ken get Puck and Finn to join Acafellas. Finn does it to boost his rep, and Puck does it for MILF action. 

In the hallway, Tina C-C and Rachel have a gay-vention (that's a gay intervention) with Mercedes. Tina calls Kurt lady-fabulous, which is effing fantastic. It seems he wore a corset to second period today. Which is also effing fantastic. How awesome is this noise? Cut to a Glee Club Car Wash. The Cheerios are helping out, because boobies are amazing. During said carwash, Mercedes asks if she and Kurt can just make their dating official. Kurt gets a little confused and explains that his heart belongs to another. Mercedes of course assumes it's Rachel, and Kurt doesn't correct her, even though we all know it's Finn. So, Mercedes does what any scorned woman would do, and what all of my friends did to my douchetool ex boyfriend when we broke up. She's busts the window out his car. This or course leads to an OUTRAGEOUS dream sequence. When asked why she'd do that, she responds with, "Well, you busted my heart." I know right ... it makes no fucking sense. Whatever. Maybe the jew-writer was on break when this line was suggested.

Enter Dakota Stanley in the choir room. He hands out menus, and addresses the glee kids. This is comedic platinum. No better than platinum. What's better than platinum? This is comedic Tungsten. The lines from this scene are fucking hilarious. I wish I could just post a link to the entire scene for you to watch. Unfortunately, I already tried that, and it didn't end up very well. mostly because I realized once I managed to pull it off that there are about a million scenes I want to do that with, and can't. So instead, some of the best ones. 

"Artie, you're cut. you're not trying hard enough" "At what?" "At walking."

"You too, you's gots ta go Effie."

"And stay away from aerosol cans, because you could burst into flames any second."

"You, nose job."

"What was that Frankenteen, why don't you wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you been draggin' on the ground" 

"What's wrong with me is you're freakishly tall. I feel like a woodland creature!"

Of course eventually, they all stand up to him and tell him they don't need him, much to Sue's chagrin. The Acafellas perform for the PTA group, and backstage Sandy gets a restraining order from Josh Groban. That stalking got crazy it seems. This eventually leads to another fantastic line backstage. While Will and his father are discussing the past, and their personal futures, Josh Groban is backstage with Mother dearest, where he admits, "Josh Groban loves him a blousy alcoholic."

Back at school, Mercedes apologizes, and offers to pay to fix it. It's ok though, because Kurt's dad took the car away after he discovered Kurt's tiara collection in his hope chest. Again, who did not see this coming? Kurt admits his sexuality for the first time. He's gay. GASP. Shock. Awe! I am so surprised. ZOMG. He storms off, and we learn that Sue is furious that the Cheerios failed at their task of bringing down glee club. They lose their tanning rights and Santana cries about it. And that's what you missed on glee.