The shot opens to a slushie being poured in a local gas station. Well, we assume it is a gas station, but the scene quickly shifts to the school, which leads me to believe that there is a slushie machine somewhere in this school, which simultaneously makes me love WMHS and HATE Omaha North. We follow the slushie through the halls, passing several glee club members, before the bearer of the slushie finally settles on throwing it at Finn Hudson, who I recently discovered was on KYLE XY, which is highly laughable and makes me tres happy. The bearer of said slushie is future repressed homosexual, David Karofsky who we are finally introduced to in this episode. He's part of the Hockey team, and has had it out for Finn since fifth grade. Welcoming Quinn & Finn to the New World Order, his words, not mine, we discover that cool kids + glee ≠ glee club acceptability. Big surprise right?  |
| "The Slushie War has commenced." |
Cutting to the teacher's lounge, Ken & Emma approach Will. Ken explains that, "even though she refses to wear the ring and won't tell anyone, not even her mother that [they're] getting married" they need Will's help to come up with a song for their first dance. Ken wants the Thong Song by Sisqo, and Emma wants I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady. So, Ken and Emma want Will to create a mash-up of the two songs, and give them dance lessons. We're three minutes into the episode when we transition to the choir room where the kids are lamenting about the 'Slushie Wars'. Mercedes says that if Finn & Quinn aren't safe, nobody is. Will shows up and says something about things being so different that they don't seem like they go together. Allegory for Ken & Emma much? Or Glee Club and Football? Or Skanks and Virgins? Or Terri & Will? Oh, I'm sorry, was this not a game of spot the buzz word? Onward. Will suggests that the glee club find an unexpected mash-up for Bust A Move.Will decides to regale us with an unacceptable rendition of Bust A Move.
Seriously, there is nothing ok with this song. There is even less ok with his dancing, and him rapping. Setting aside my hatred of hip hop, the only thing ok about this episode is Kurt's expressions when Will sings to him specifically about the attractiveness of a woman. It's pretty fantastic. The glee club finally joins in this display of not okness, before the song ends with an after-school special moment of laughter which immediately cuts to the glee title card and a bell-ringing transition to Emma's office. Quinn and Finn need advice on how to be cool. Emma is confused. She suggests sunglasses, because celebrities are always wearing them. Finn is down with this idea, and Quinn is willing to try anything at this point.
Transitioning to the choir room after school, Emma is in a wedding gown and Will is preparing to give her a dance lesson. He starts the thong song, at nine minutes and twenty-five seconds. Ok... so, you remember when this song was popular? Back in '99? Yeah, I don't either. As a matter of fact, a group of friends and I parodied this song as an extra-curricular activity. Luckily, this rendition of the song lasts about as long as the original was permitted to stay on the air. The song ends abruptly when, while dancing, Will trips and Emma falls on top of him. Coincidentally, Ken watches, like a creeper, from outside the window, setting up what we can only hope will be a feud of some sort that will play out over the next several episodes. Emma blames the song. Will blames the dress.
On the football field, there is a fight about Finn's ability to lead due to his dedication to Glee Club. Ken adds extra practice on Thursdays at 3:30, which is when Glee rehearses?! Oh no. It's like Ken is out to get glee club. That's weird. Who would have guessed that. Realistically, it's about two minutes of nonstop gay jokes, before we cut to the star of the show, Rachel, the cunt who only cares about herself, singing What A Girl Wants into a hairbrush in the mirror of her bedroom. She's being accompanied musically and physically by Noah Puckerman, who explains in voice over that as a Jew, he's been guilted by his Jewish mother to date a nice Jewish girl. Thusly, he decided to date Rachel.
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| "Are you questioning my bad-assness? Have you seen my guns?" |
Back at school, we follow another slushie, held by Noah, to Rachel's locker. He explains that he picked it up on the way into school, which makes it clear that the school does not have a slushie machine. Thank God, because I was going to sue Omaha North for pain and suffering. It's grape flavored because it's her favorite, which Puck discovered after throwing one in her face an undetermined period of time ago, resulting in her licking her lips prior to clean up. They make out on Rachel's bed for a while. Rachel says she can't be with somebody who isn't willing to step up in glee club. Naturally, Puck decides that the only way to win over Rachel is to sing Sweet Caroline. Yay Jewmusic. While I'm not a fan of the song, I am a huge fan of Puck's performance. The song is like a bottle episode in song form. It does the trick too, convinces Rachel that Puck is worth it. Regrettably it does the same thing to Quinn. Frankly, umm, if forced to pick between Finn & Puck... Puck all the way. Are you kidding me? Look at him and tell me you'd kick him out of bed for eating biscuits.
Having been cool made-over, Finn & Quinn walk through the halls of WMHS in sunglasses. They discuss being popular, and then they get slushied by ten different people. We're reminded that if Finn doesn't show for practice on Thursday, shit is gonna get real. Meanwhile, Sue has a Sue's Corner segment to do regarding marrying one's dog. Rod, the asshole reporter suggests that they go on a date sometime. Sue accepts the invitation, which leads to a FANTASTIC dance sequence with her and WIll. They do some swing dancing, that makes my life complete. I have watched this episode at least a dozen times just to watch this sequence over and over again. Eventually, post dance, Sue thanks Will for his time and they share a hearty laugh. In the meantime, Sue also mentions that Ken is making the kids choose between Glee and Football, which leads to an intense stand-off in the locker room.
Ken breaks down and goes all cry-face. Will claims that Ken doesn't have to worry about Emma and him anymore. Ken doesn't accept this and keeps his practice. Back in the halls, Puck gets slushied for holding Rachel's hand in school. She is kind enough to take him to the bathroom, because this school has co-ed bathrooms, and clean him off. This is about the time we discover that this Puckleberry relationship won't be working out so well. Cutting to Will and Emma dress sopping so that Emma can see if she can dance in her dress, they rehearse a dance to Emma's song choice, I Could Have Danced All Night. I'm actually not thrilled with Emma's singing voice. I'm likewise not thrilled with this song. All in all, not thrilled. The POV cam is creepy and seems needless. All in all, crap. Plus, if I worked at this boutique, I would be seriously concerned with these people dancing in my store.
At 3:30, Quinn, Brittany, Tina, Santana, Mercedes, Rachel, kurt and Artie wait in the choir room to see whether the football players chose Glee or Football. It's a long wait. We've hit the 30 minute mark of the episode, and we watch Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford enter the choir room. Shortly after, Puck shows up, and says the team can bring on the slushies. On the field, we discover that Finn chose Football. This is a choice he will make repeatedly through the show, which leads to continued bullshit. The next day, we follow another slushie, held by Finn, to Kurt. When Finn says he won't slushie Kurt but feels the pressure, Kurt takes the slushie from him and says, "It's called taking one for the team," before pouring it on himself.
He's covered in slushie, and he demands to be taken to a spa, stat. The girls respond by taking him into the women's restroom. Fuck. I'm torn. I've already included a photograph for this paragraph, because I love the idea of a person slushying himself, but the scene quickly cuts to Sue Sylvester in a zoot suit. She is walking into the news studio, where she finds the two news anchors, one of which being her date to a swing dance competition, making out on the news desk. I will forego a photograph in the next paragraph for the sake of showing you the outrageousness that is Sue Slvester. It seems she came to the studio to show off her outfit for the dance competition and is heartbroken to discover that she and Rod weren't exclusive. Rod, while a douche, is one of my favorite secondary characters. He plays a great part that I genuinely take pleasure from. The other bitch behind the desk isn't important though.
On the football field at school, Rachel explains to Puck that this relationship isn't going to work out. Big surprise. Eventually some stuff happens, but really the remainder of this episode is just plain useless. Finn tells Ken that he's not quiting Glee or Football. Sue reinstates herself as co-director of New Directions and demands to see Will's set-list for Sectionals. Quinn gets booted from the Cheerios for being preggers. Will says that the two songs cannot be mashed together. Finn brings slushies for the club. The glee club then slushies Will to show him what it feels like. The episode ends on the unpleasant note of Quinn being off the Cheerios but knowing that she had eleven friends who are available to help clean her off when she gets slushied.
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