First let me say that I am in the process of that promised recap. I'm currently trying to figure out what is important in the eight pages of notes I have. I am a little distracted by introspection tonight, so I thought I'd throw a little too much information your way. If you are my sister, you might not want to read this.
I am amazingly stunted in a lot of ways and tend to fail at really basic shit.
I haven't had a proper relationship since high school. By that I mean I haven't gone through the steps right since then. The whole liking someone, spending some time with them, the awkward first moves, easing into the physical side of things. For the last few years it's been more of a... we meet while we're both at least a little tipsy, we're attracted to each other, we chat for a (very little while), and macking (or more) ensues.
This was all fine and dandy. Sort of. It led to a lot of not-relationships, which isn't really my thing. It doesn't make me happy and leads to me feeling like I'm being used. I've been taking steps to try and change that (and I'm planning a post in which I recount these adventures with less mystery), but I can't seem to remember how to do things the "right" way.
I feel like I'm stuck in high school. I was a pretty frigid bitch back then. And now I'm regressing. I have no idea how to progress things, so I become completely awkward. Losing my inhibitions is good for me, but a reliance on social lubricants has led to them seeming like a necessity. I've gotten over a lot of my social awkwardness, and I can converse with new people fairly easily (I'm not exactly a pro, but I can get it done. With lots of non sequiturs and outrageous comments, but still. But that's from lots of practice and working at places where I have to talk to strangers.
I am still hung up on the idea that girls need to be chaste. I think that's the gist of my problem. I can't even go into Doctor John's (which I only did recently with a friend who needed some new lingerie!) without being incredibly embarrassed, let alone communicate what I want to a boy!
And then there's the fear of being used. Girls are supposed to be chaste because guys only want on thing, right? And once they get it, what use do they have for you? But we live in a crazy time where GASP sex is a thing that happens, is expected and totally necessary in most relationships. Which I do not disagree with. I enjoy it as much as the next girl. But I find myself totally torn and awkward when I find myself in a position where it is totally reasonable and not at all skeezy to expect things to step up a notch.
But anyway! Sorry for dumping my brain out here, but hopefully this will help me sleep better. It hasn't really helped me collect my thoughts or figure out a solution to this problem, but whatever. I'll hopefully have my recap up tomorrow.
OH! Actually more thoughts. Trust issues, man. That plays into it. I have been burned a lot in the past (occasionally absolutely hilariously, at least as far as story potential goes) and I always half expect I'm going to get burned again and half think MAYBE NOT THIS TIME! But despite the caps, the former is usually a lot louder. There's always a part of me screaming that every single guy is an asshole and I have no idea how to gauge the accuracy of that. Obviously not every guy is a jerk though, most of the gay ones are okay. Maybe I should just resign myself to being a life-long fag-hag/spinster lady and accept the fact that the person I'm most likely to end up in bed with is Cameron, who is it least always really warm and snores in a way that I've already adjusted to.
don't be weirded out by my reading your blog, please.....a comment from someone who's been where you are a few lifetimes ago - there's no law (natural or unnatural) that says you need to be in a relationship at any time. Free yourself from the anxiety and proceed with other things that you feel more comfortable with for now. Confidence in other areas will lead to more confidence in this area eventually. Love ya!
ReplyDeletemissing word is "law"
ReplyDeleteI have several thoughts to share with you. They are, of course, opinions from Anon, so you can like or dismiss them at your leisure.
ReplyDeleteObviously, you are posting about this because you are unhappy about it, and what things to change. The first thing, I think, is to accept yourself and your thoughts on sexuality. If you truly believe that girls are supposed to be chaste, then embrace that. There is nothing wrong with holding a different opinion from the masses. Embrace it, and don’t change that just to please some guy that once he gets what he wants probably won’t be around the next week, month or year. This is about you and what you want. It seems as if you are pushing yourself to be “the norm” and simply end up feeling used and unhappy about it. Be proud! And seriously, abstaining for awhile or being hard to get attracts different guys who truly care about YOU not how far they can get that night so by doing this you might actually find a guy you want to stick around. It’s okay to be picky and it’s okay to say no. (I must also say that it’s also okay to sleep with someone that you want to, purely because you want it). The important part is that THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT. Make sure you are comfortable with your choice, and will be happy with it a week later. If you don’t think that will be the case, then say no. You should never feel pressured into something purely to please someone else. Never.
That being said, it also sounds as if you are just uncomfortable with the “sex” thing in general. This can make it hard to even figure out what you like. Sex is nothing to be ashamed about! Pretty much everyone does it. However, It is my personal belief (again just mine) that if I can’t talk about it, I shouldn’t be doing it. You should be able to talk to your partner (however haltingly) about sex, condoms, testing and all that jazz. If you can’t then perhaps you should take some time to get acquainted with yourself and/or the person you are with. Even if you have to communicate through chat or email, communication is important. Also, I must point out that there is this wonderful thing called the internet. I don’t like going to Doctor John’s myself because I can’t browse the selection without feeling weird or judged. I especially don’t like being stared at by the enormous bouncers they have working there. SO, take all the time you want in the world to look fun things in the privacy of your own home.
There are also books that talk about this sort of thing. I don’t know if you are a book reader but on the off chance that you are, here are two I highly suggest. I own both of these myself, though I must admit I hide them because they are no one else’s business. However, I do have a friend or two who shares the first one with their partners. Turns out if you take suggestions from a fun book (it has suggestions and positions) it erases the pressure of having to say anything yourself!
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary Guide/dp/1569242763/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291825280&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Yourself-Fulfillment-Female-Sexuality/dp/0451202007/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291825303&sr=8-1
If that doesn’t work for you, remember that lots and lots of things can be done that don’t require words at all. ;) Simply taking a person’s hand and placing it where you like it can work wonders. Chances are, if you are dating someone, they will be more than happy to please you. If they don’t they aren’t worth your time. Period.
I truly believe that if you take the time to get to know someone, and take the time to feel truly comfortable with them (and again if they like you they should wait for you) then you will find someone worthy who won’t burn you time and again. But most importantly, figure out what makes you happy and what YOU want.Good luck Tiny Hat Lady. You’re worth it.
Thanks Donna! I am kind of pushing myself into relationship-y-ness right now, mainly because I've skipped out on it so much and I know if I put off being normal longer it'll be that much harder to jump in later. I'm happy being single, but I think that's an important part of being ready to see people, ya know?
ReplyDeleteI really don't believe that girls should be chaste, it's just this weird, outdated social norm thing that I have. Cognitive dissonance and all that.